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Happy?

Summary:
Eclipse Spoiler! In the end of Eclipse, Jacob runs away from La Push and his life. What is he thinking, when he tries to leave everything he ever was behind? The song is Beautiful Day by U2


Notes:
Okay, I wasn't really sure how to catagorize this, so I just put in under other. Does this count as Post-Eclipse?


1. Happy?

Rating 5/5   Word Count 1315   Review this Chapter

The heart is a bloom
Shoots up through the stony ground
There's no room
No space to rent in this town

Everything seemed too small. The houses, the sidewalks, the school. But the one place in this state I thought I could be free, I found myself stuck again. I couldn’t go anywhere without running into some form of intelligent life. The pack still roamed the forest and Forks was only fifteen minutes away. I couldn’t go anywhere and be utterly alone. No where to go to mend my heart. No where to go to just lay and think. Maybe I was never supposed to fall in love. Maybe I was destined to die alone. Sam and Jared found true love, maybe there just wasn’t enough room in La Push for someone like me.

You're out of luck
And the reason that you had to care
The traffic is stuck
And you're not moving anywhere

But I just can’t seem to get away. I stood at Washington’s border, daring myself to just do it, run away from my life. My father, my friends, my school, my responsibility, my love…She loved me, but not like she loved him. She still wanted to see me, to be my friend. She still cared about me, but I didn’t have any strength left to make an effort. I left so that I could have peace and not have to deal with my life. But it was a hopeless case. How could I go back, knowing that only heartbreak waited for me? I stood at the border; my decision was so far out of reach.

You thought you'd found a friend
To take you out of this place
Someone you could lend a hand
In return for grace

I took care of her, I made her happy. We could have had so much…We could of have had a great life together. She was always hesitant, she never could decide. But we still could have left Washington and made something of our lives. She would have been happy with me. We could have traveled all over the world…But now he’s going to do that for her. They will travel the world together, they would be happy. But what about me? What does my future hold?

It's a beautiful day
Sky falls, you feel like
It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away

But I had so much. I had a pack that supported me. I had a loving father. I had a good life, except for my heart being broken of course. The sun was shining, some streams of light escaped through the dense leaves. They hit me like a halo. It was comforting to me…Comforting that something was still full of light and peace around me. But then the clouds moved in again. My light was gone. Well, I am just going to have to find it again…aren’t I?

You're on the road
But you've got no destination
You're in the mud
In the maze of her imagination

I didn’t know where I was going. I was searching for something that wasn’t even there. Something I probably made up in my mind. There was nothing left for me. My time of happiness was up. And now came the pain…The pain that would probably never go away. But what confused me the most was her. The reason I left in the first place. What was going through her head when she kissed me? What made her say those things? Pity? Or was it actually love? I shook my head in frustration. I didn’t want to know the answer. I was pretty sure what the answer was going to be, anyway. Who would love a monster like me?

You love this town
Even if that doesn't ring true
You've been all over
And it's been all over you

Maybe I didn’t want to leave. Maybe that was why I had so much trouble just running away. I grew up in La Push; I spoke my first word there. It was where I took my first step and where I had my first, and only, love. It made an impression on me. Maybe I would go back…someday. Or maybe I wouldn’t be able to actually leave after all. Everyone there knew me; they would all help me through this. I knew the town made an impression on me, but what if I made an impression on it? What if I hurt too many people? Maybe I will cave in…What if she actually- no. Just stop thinking right there. She was the last person I should ever think of. She was happy, and she’s what caused me the most pain. I should just stop thinking. I should just give up and collapse in the dirt. What good would it do for me to put myself through this pain? It wouldn’t do any good. That’s why I’m leaving. To get away from anything that reminds me of her. That’s why I will never go back…

Touch me
Take me to that other place
Teach me
I know I'm not a hopeless case

But I missed her. Missed my pack, my home, my town, my father…I missed everything. How am I supposed to be able to leave when I already miss it so much? Maybe I will be able to deal with the pain. Bella was able to. She lived through the agony of heartbreak. Maybe I could stop listening to music like she did. Maybe I could just drone out the rest of the world. Maybe I could focus on only on the pack and my family. This can’t be impossible. There can’t only be one way to live with myself. It’s going to be a challenge, I’m sure. It may take some trial and error, but maybe I can do this without hurting anyone else.

See the world in green and blue
See China right in front of you
See the canyons broken by cloud
See the tuna fleets clearing the sea out
See the Bedouin fires at night
See the oil fields at first light
And see the bird with a leaf in her mouth
After the flood all the colors came out

I won’t have to shut myself out from the rest of the world. I won’t have to be a zombie. I won’t have to live in solitude. I can get through this like Bella did. Sure it took her a little while, but she started to live again. Bella was always so strong. I can be like her. I can learn how to be happy. But do I even have the strength to try? It can’t be easy, learning to view my existence differently. Trying to focus on the beauty of the world, instead of the things that can make it horrible.

What you don't have you don't need it now
What you don't know you can feel it somehow
What you don't have you don't need it now
Don't need it now
Was a beautiful day

Sure I love Bella. True love, I thought. She made me happy and I made her happy. We would be perfect together. But maybe I’m not ready for love, yet. Maybe I can wait a little while. Maybe the person for me is still out there. I wasn’t imprinted on Bella. She wasn’t supposed to be my other half. So my ‘soul mate’ is out in the world. She’s someone I probably never even met. Maybe she is searching for me, too. And she is out there. I can feel it. We will meet someday. But maybe in a few years or so, I’m not ready to love again. But it’s comforting, knowing that she is out there somewhere. Watching, waiting for me, even if she doesn’t know it yet.