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And The Moral Of The Story Is Never Mess With Bella Swan

Bella and the Cullens get caught doing something they shouldn't after they'd insisted everything would be "perfectly fine." Then, Bella gets her revenge. The vampires quickly learn that they should never mess with Bella Swan. Pure, unadultered crack!fic.

This is the fault of deadduck008, Katie, and the "you choose an icon, I'll give you a drabble" meme I had going on at my Livejournal. They kept choosing icons. I kept giving them the crack. In this same universe. Don't even ask me where this came from because I have no idea. But it WAS fun to write. I included the icons they chose because the fic just didn't feel complete without them.

1. And The Moral Of The Story Is Never Mess With Bella Swan

Rating 3.5/5   Word Count 1570   Review this Chapter

"Ouch, Edward, that was my foot!"

A wince. "Sorry, Bella."

"Maybe if you weren't so damn clumsy..."

"Shut up, Rosalie."

"What? It's the truth, and you know it."



"Oh, both of you, enough."

"Thank you, Alice. I'm fine Edward, really. I just wish I could see. Why didn't any of you think to bring a flashlight?"

"Because you're the only one who would need one to see?"


"What? I'm just stating the obvious."

A sigh.

A groan. "I can't believe I let all of you talk me into this."

"Well, Jasper did help a little with the convincing."

A cough from somewhere a few feet away.

A smirk. "A little?"

"Okay, so a lot. Really, Bella, you're perfectly safe."

A grumble. "Until Charlie gets here and catches us. Why are we breaking into the school gym again?"

"Because we can?"

Another groan. "Ugh. Thanks, Jasper."

Then, a sudden silence as five vampires go still.

"What's - "

A grab at her hand that's a second too late.

The flash of a light on six guilty faces. A familiar voice from the doorway. "What the hell are you kids doing in here at this time of -" A choke of shock. "Bella?"

A raising of hands in surrender. A sigh. "Shit." Then, a pointed glare thrown in five different directions as a warning and a promise for revenge.


"Aw, come on, Bella, don't be mad. It was all in good fun."

A narrowing of eyes. A proper glare. An attempt at a growl.

A widening of eyes. Then, a peal of loud laughter. "Did you just growl at me?"

A hot blush across her cheeks. "Shut it, Emmett."

A doubling over of raucous amusement. "I can't believe you just growled at me. Or was that a roar?"

"It wasn't quite a roar either. More like a meow."

"Jasper!" A giggle and a covering of a mouth.

A stamping of her foot. "Alice!"

A howl.

A smirk.

A chuckle. "It was rather funny, Bella."

A spin to round on one vampire in particular. "You know, you're supposed to be on my side." A glance around the room. A glare at all of the occupants.

A sudden silence followed by even louder laughter than before.

A stomp of feet followed by a slam of the front door. "Stupid, annoying, obnoxious vampires. I'll show them meow..."

Later, a surprise for one vampire when he tries to start his jeep.

"What the...Rose! Can you come check the jeep for me? It won't start."

Four shocked faces appearing at the doorway of the garage.

A blink. "What?"

A glance exchanged between two of them. "We couldn't get our cars to start either."

A raised eyebrow, while leaning against a red convertible. "Someone cut the battery wires."

Yet another blink.

A voice calling from the doorway. "Edward?"

"Yes, Esme?"

"I have a note here for - well, all of you." A knowing smirk as the letter is handed off.

A suspicious glance at her lack of thoughts. An opening of the envelope.

Then, a loud howl of laughter.

A flurry of anxious faces glance over a shoulder still shaking with mirth.

Then, four vampires, shocked, as they take in the one word written on the page.



"Having car troubles?"

An incredulous stare.

An accomplished smirk, even as her heart pounds.


"What's the matter, Emmett? Cat got your tongue?"

A choke of laughter, followed by a wave of mirth that almost makes her burst into giggles.

A shake of a head, followed by a shocked glance. "You're incredible."

A smile. "So I've been told."

"I didn't mean that as a compliment. You're lucky my Rosalie doesn't kill you. Her car is her pride, her joy!"

A sound of indignation. "Rosalie! What about me? I've only driven the Porsche once!" A pout. "I thought we were friends, Bella."

A roll of her eyes. "We are friends, Alice. Besides, I had help."

"From who?"

A shrug. "Esme and Carlisle. Who else?"

Four mouths drop open. One of them had figured as much.

"They...you..." An intake of breath. "I don't believe this!"

"Believe it, Emmett." A crossing of her arms over her chest and a satisfied grin.

A voice coming down from the stairs. "This is your own fault, you know. All of you."

"And how do you figure that, Carlisle?"

A shrug. "You underestimated her, Rosalie. You all did. I doubt you'll make the same mistake twice, hmm?" A raised eyebrow, followed by footsteps out of the room.

All eyes are on the human now. There is fidgeting. Then, arms snake around her waist.

"You know, you're lucky I love you so much." A kiss pressed to her neck.

An embarrassing hitch of her breath. "And why is that?"

A turn of her head. A meeting of eyes. Then, a sigh. "Because this proves you're even crazier than I am."


"They're planning revenge, you know."

A startled glance. A distracting running of fingers up and down her arms. A shrug, despite the sudden quickening of her pulse. "I guess I shouldn't be too surprised." A turn of her head to look at the other person in the room. "Will you at least warn me when the time comes? Because I'm sure he won't."

A calm smile. "I'll try, but I can't promise you anything." A pause. "They've all been rather quiet today, haven't they?"

A grumble. "That's what worries me."

A hand on her chin turning her head, followed by a kiss. "I promise that whatever they're planning isn't that horrible." A smirk.

A horrified look. "This is part of it isn't it? They told you to distract me!" A futile struggle. "Edward Cullen, let me down right now!"

"I don't know if that would be such a good -"

The sound of footsteps quickly entering the room. "Bella, I think I hear Alice calling you."

A suspicious look. "I don't hear anything, Esme."

"You're just not listening hard enough, Edward. Go on, Bella."

"Yes, go, Bella." A fighting off of a smirk.

A glare. A release of the hands on her waist.

Running towards the door, then out towards her truck.

A screech. "If you lay one finger on my truck, so help me, Rosalie - "

A whirl, a gasp, then a glare. "Edward Cullen!"

Footsteps. A sheepish grin. "Sorry. Carlisle and Esme warned her. There was nothing I could do."

A spin that almost knocks her off of her heels. "Edward Anthony Masen Cullen -"

A cringe.

"My truck? You're getting revenge on me with my truck?!"

"Bella, may I remind you that you-"

"My truck is three times as old as your car! What would have happened if you cut a wire that couldn't be replaced?"

"We would have-"

A glare.

A thinning of lips.

An approach from the garage. Three other vampires coming into view.

"What's the matter, kitten? You can dish it out but you can't take it?"

Her mouth dropping open. A retort forming on her lips. Then, a smile. An evil smile.

"Fine. Do what you want to my truck. Take your vengeance however your heart desires." The smile widens. "I just hope you can take the revenge that I dish out." A fleeting look at the five of them before she walks back to the house, a swing in her step.

A blink.

A stare.

A disbelieving gawk.

A sigh. "Well, hell. I'd better get to work. I already cut the damn wires."

A groan, followed by a loud meeting of a head against the railing of the porch.


This time, retribution is subtle.

An insistent kiss on her lips while in bed. A kiss to her shoulder, the back of her neck.

Then, an incredulous voice. "Bella, are you falling asleep?"

Closed eyes. Faked even breathing. "Mhmm...goodnight, Edward."

A pause. "This is your revenge, isn't it?"

Silence. A smile into her pillow.

A pixie-like vampire flitting around her. A finger pointing to color scheme after color scheme.

A wave of resolve brushing over her. She doesn't give in.

A frustrated noise.

A weary exhale. "Bella, why won't you make up your mind?"

A slumping of her back in her chair. "I just don't know, Jasper. And everything needs to be perfect for the wedding, right Alice?"

A suspicious look. Then, a heavy sigh. "This is our punishment, isn't it?"

Her eyes widening. An innocent look. A smirk when their backs are turned.

Then, vengeance is hers.


A loud cackle of laughter. A hand covering her mouth.


A nod. A giggle escapes.


A growl. "Don't you ‘Rosalie’ me, Emmett Cullen! You wouldn't be so quick to forgive if you had a look at your car."

"I've had a look at my car, and if the flood of water in the interior of yours is anything like that in mine, then -"


"I'd better go take care of this."

A nod. A bite of her hand, fighting off wild howls of laughter.

"What's all this about a flood in the interior of your jeep, Emmett?"

A snarl. "Apparently, your fiancée took it upon herself to flood my car and the jeep sometime between yesterday and this morning. You had better hope that I don't see her, or so help me, I'll -"

Footsteps echo from the staircase. "You brought this on yourself, you know. Again."


"She promised retribution if you went through with your vengeance." Another voice, another one of her sympathizers. Just as unwelcome, she is sure. "And she followed through, in full. Even you can appreciate that."

A loud inhale, followed by a louder exhale.

A grumble. "I guess."

Her hesitant footsteps on the stair. Seven pairs of eyes glancing up to watch as she descends.

A serene smile. A shock all around that she feels no fear.

An arm suddenly around her shoulder.

A shake of a head.

A wide eyed stare. "I take it all back - for a human, you can be pretty damn scary."

A withering glance. "Emmett."

A grin of triumph. "I told you so."