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Pulling At Heartstrings

Set in New Moon, after Edward left Bella. This is about what he did and what he felt when he went away from Forks. Written for Twilight Tables .


1. Chapter 1

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Pulling At Heartstrings


That was all that surrounded him, that was all that he allowed himself to be surrounded with. Who was he to think, so foolishly, that for once in his damned existence, he deserved to have a ray of hope in his life? Who was he to think he deserved even an ounce of happiness in his life after he had ruthlessly taken the lives of so many? Who was he to think that he, a monster, would ever be deserving of an angel’s love?

Love; that was what keeping him from going back to his dearest Bella, however ironic it might seem. He was the spawn of Satan, and she was an angel. They came from two different worlds; and yet, and yet, miraculously, she had found it in her heart to love him in return – a feat that no one he heard of had managed. She, who knew that he could so easily kill her in one swift movement, instead of fearing him, had dared to lie in his arms and fall asleep each night. She, for all her stubbornness, believed with all her heart that he was not a soulless beast, but an angel. How wrong and deluded she was!

That was why he had to leave her. He had caused so many deaths already; he could not bear to see her… die – and that would certainly be his entire fault. He should have known better than to fall in love with her, he should have known better than to let her fall in love with him. After all, she deserved so much better than him, after all that he had said, all that he had done.

But it did not stop his heart from aching, of feeling this sharp pain inside of him. Being changed for almost a century, he had forgotten what it was like to feel pain, and the only memory of pain that he had was that of the change. Somehow, this pain, this… agony was nothing compared to the fires of hell licking his body incessantly; it was a startlingly sharp, fresh, and it had the strange sensation of something inside him breaking, shattering. Not only that, it was as if something was missing, like the uncomfortable absence of an organ for instance, or perhaps… it was the absence of his heart.

It took him some time, but finally his mind registered that somewhere along the lines of leaving Forks, leaving Bella, he had left his heart behind. No matter where he went to try and escape the horrible feeling, it only grew worse as he went further away. It was as though he had left his heart with Bella, and when he went further away from her, the strings connected to his body and heart were strained, hence the pain. Try as he might, he found that there was no way he could reclaim his heart; it irrevocably belonged to her now, a bond between their souls, hers for all eternity.

He convinced himself that it was all for the best. Not his best, certainly, but for her best, and that was all that mattered. He was too unworthy of her, of her love. It was like a toad vying for the affections of a swan – wrong, and against the laws of nature. And not to mention he was worst than the average toad, he was a murderous one.

A bitter laugh escaped him at the thought of his analogy. His phone had been buzzing continuously till he finally turned it off. Was it too much to ask for peace and solitude?

He tried to clear his thoughts of her, but in vain. The feel of her porcelain skin against his, the scent of her, the sound of her mellifluous laughter; they all tormented him to no ends. Something burned in his chest, and he knew it was reacting to the memories of his Bella. Torrents of memories, all bright and colourful, flashed before his eyes – clawing at the hole where his heart had previously been. That was all he would have of her now, memories.

Memories of her smiling at him, eyes warm and filled with love. Memories of her lying peacefully in his arms, asleep. Memories of her laughter, her cheeks glowing a rosy pink.

All that he had now was darkness. It was apt, he supposed, since he was a part of it himself. Tortured, he settled into it; torn and unable to cry.