NEW RELIGION CLAIMS TEENAGE GIRLS ACROSS AMERICA
We bring you this breaking news from Baltimore, Maryland on the latest teen fad striking young girls all over.
1. Chapter 1
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Baltimore, Maryland December 10th, 2007
A new religion is quickly sweeping the nation, in what critics call a teenage epidemic. Called Twilightism by many followers, this religion involves worshipping a three book trilogy by the author Stephenie Meyer.
Meyer had this to say about her God-complex accusations: "Seriously, I never actually thought my books would be that much of a hit when I started, but now I can't even go to the grocery store without being hounded by adoring fans! It's actually quite flattering." Flattering indeed.
So, is this Stephenie Meyer really looking for publicity, or telling the truth? Scientists are saying that it may be a rare disease, called godcomplexitis. Psycologists are saying that the epidemic of stepheniemeyer syndrome seems to only affect teenage girls, and even married women, who are worshipping not only Meyer, but her fictional Twilight character, Edward Cullen.
Local Kenwood High School International Baccalaureat (not even I can spell that word), Jessica Miceli, accepted an interview with our reporters very quickly after we informed her of the topic.
We caught her at her high school at her lunch period, and stood off to the side while we asked her numerous questions.
When asked if she too had switched religions with Twilightism, she quickly nodded and pulled up her sleeve to show off her cresent shaped tatoo, a mark of a Twilightisman.
"I begged my parents for hours," she told us, "for them to let me get this tatoo. When they didn't, I snuck out when they were asleep and had my friend do it. I got grounded for two months, and it hurts a little still, but I can't imagine life without it."
She was slumped over strangely, and when asked, she told us, "its from my backpack. It's so heavy from carrying my bible [Twilight] around everyday, that it bent my back like this. I don't take it so much as a bad thing, just a proud mark of my religion."
We then questioned her on the mechanics of the religion, and she cut us off, not letting us get a period in there, excitedly babbling. We had to have her stop and slow down twice before anything could be heard coherently.
"Really, all you have to do is read the books once a week, in their entirety, dye your hair dark brown, unless your like me and already have it that color naturally," she flipped her hair majestically and we oohed and ahhed, "grow it out long - I'm working on mine," she said, smiling, "get chocolate, specifically chocolate, brown color contacts, pray every night and morning towards the north east - pointing to Washington, our Mecca - worship our Godess, Stephenie Meyer, aka Oh Great Intelligent One, and our Jesus, Edward Cullen, aka Oh Hot and Sexy Vampire One That Is Of Sexiness, and," that was about all we got out of her before she was off babbling incoherently again.
In conclusion, it seems that this is a largely growing epidemic. Scientists are working on an antidote, but are enormously behind after having several labs burned down and ransacked by anonymous Twilightismans. All they can say now is to take these following precautions.
1) Bury all books with the words twilight, new moon, eclipse, Edward, Bella, vampire, etc. in them in your backyard. Don't be sad when you bookcase ends up sadly under-stocked.
2) Take your child or whomever is afflicted to church, bound and gagged, so that the power of christ may compel them.
3) Pray. To the real God. Not this phony Stephenie Meyer person.
4) Burn every book, article, picture, photo, drawing, etc. of Twilght, New Moon, Eclipse, and any related characters including Jacob Black, Bella Swan, and Edward Cull-----------
Please forgive us, this article had to be cut short due to a ravaged and enraged Jessica Miceli and various followers attacking our reporters, smashing the crap out of our computers and destroying the files. Luckily, we saved those last words made by CENSORED of the Baltimore Sun.
Edited for you by TwilightOCD and Co.