Lost In The Past
A short one-shot on what Bella would do if there wasn't Jacob there to save her during the darkest moments in her life.
1. Lost In The Past
Rating 5/5 Word Count 888 Review this Chapter
Still waters, heavy hearts
Plans we make all fall apart
Disillusioned and lost in the gray
How can we fix the heart when it breaks?
Don't know how much more you can take
I stood on the edge of the cliff. The violent wind tousled and knotted my lifeless dull hair and making my hauntingly empty eyes water. It was here that a decision would occur. A life-changing decision, that much I knew. To live, to die? That was the question. To live would mean to keep feigning that I was fine, to plaster a smile on my face. To pretend to Charlie and to the rest of the world. I didn't know how much more of that I could take. It was already starting to become so very challenging. It felt like my very soul was breaking every time I lied to someone about how I felt, truly felt. Like every time I imagined him, my heart was splitting into two. My heart would always be a gaping pain filled hole in my chest. But, then, If I chose to spring myself off this very cliff at this very moment the choice would be death. There was no way I could ever survive the fall, let alone the fury that awaited me down below. The thought of being put out of my misery made my lips twist into a menacing smile. I would no longer have to act and be in complete agony. No more eerie nightmares or numbness. I wanted to feel. I just wanted to feel something other than numbness and sadness so damn badly.
I stood, staring aimlessly into the deep waters down below. They turned restlessly and roughly. Mercilessly. The black waters were like a safe haven to my mangled soul. They could very possibly be my final resting place. That is, of course, if I decided to choose death. I could feel the coldness of the rain and wind soak into my light jacket, and for once I just didn't care. A meteor could strike down from the heavens at this second and crush me for all that mattered. James could return from my hidden nightmares and kill me in the slowest most agonizing routine and I wouldn't give a damn. This was what had become of me, Isabella Swan, the lively new girl in Forks. Now I was just a shell of that girl; that girl seemed to be my enemy. She was constantly sneaking into my subconscious and reminding me of the things I once had. Love. Life. Family. And what did I have now? Nothing. Who was I now? Nothing but damaged. Broken.
When he left, all my plans for a future flew out the window. I would forever be all alone, without a soul in the world that cared one bit about me. If you didn't have love, you didn't have life. God, it was the truth. I was just this useless vacant thing. Not living, but not truly dead. I realized with a gasp that I hated myself. I hated myself for all the things I wasn't and all the things I would never have. I wasn't beautiful, or strong, or smart, or special. I was just a human girl. And I would never have him. Or love, for that matter. He had taken that all away from me, while he still had my heart and soul in his grasp.
I knew deep down that Charlie would fine. He had lived all those years without me before. Renee would struggle at first but after awhile she would be fine. She had Phil. She had love. For the first time in my life I was truly jealous and hateful towards my mother. She had two chances at love and she used both. She had a life. I lifted my gaze at the blood red horizon and cried. These tears weren't tears of loss or sadness. No, these tears were of mourning, That lonely night I cried for the life I would never have. For the love I would never have. In my heart, love had blossomed but it had been crushed now. It only bore the scars and echoes of that love. With that thought I jumped off the cliff. I had chosen death.
My scream shook the heavens and earth. It was like my world was crumbling down around me. The wind turned me this way and that and I had never felt so beautiful. So graceful. The icy water pressed in around me and I couldn't find an escape from the suffocating fear. I knew I had to do this, if I didn't I would always be forever lost. I let my numb frozen body sink down far onto the sea floor. My air supply was so close to ending and I felt happiness. It was over. This difficult and dangerous life I had lived was over. Gone. In a blink of an eye. I closed my eyes and took my last gulp of water. A lone tear fell down my cheek, mingling with the salt water, as my life ebbed away and my heart slowed. I was free.
Quiet landslide when nobody knows
Regretted decisions that nobody chose
Under water and sinking fast
No way out, no way to get back
What might have been is lost in the past