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This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things

Jacob wishes the Volturi would just kill Ms. Meyer already because, really, he's not getting anything done anymore. He never realized what a curse fangirls were.
Reverse AU


1. This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things

Rating 4.5/5   Word Count 724   Review this Chapter

"Oh man, Jakey boy, you won't believe the girls that showed up today." Embry put his head between his legs to try and force some air back into his brain, but his attempt was thwarted by his continuing laughter. "Okay, so there was a big group this time. They came field trip style, all eleven of them. Right, so, most of them looked normal enough and just milled around taking pictures of the beach, but there were these four-." He paused to laugh some more. Jacob rolled his eyes and didn't bother even looking up from Sam's car's engine. "Now, the first girl, she had a red 'Team Switzerland' t-shirt and two of the other ones, I think they were sisters, they had black t-shirts that said 'Team Jacob' on the front, but on the back, they said 'He can imprint on me any day.'" He said the last line in a high pitched squeal that asked Jacob to punch him right in the face. "But the last one, oh man, this girl's shirt was priceless. I would pay money to get every girl that walked by to wear one. Her shirt said, 'Edward/Jacob – Cuts out all the nonsense.'" He pulled his head out of the engine so fast he smacked his head on the roof. Of course, that only sent Embry into another fit of laughter highly reminiscent of middle-school girls and Jacob made sure to point that out. "And you're one to talk. Remember that girl with the picture of two wolves 'playing' with each other captioned 'Quil/Embry'?" Trying to bat away Jacob's fierce glare, Embry moved to put more space and maybe a few cars in between them. "Hey now, Quil already has his true love." "Yes and she's all of eight years old with a mother that is now terribly suspicious of him." "At least she's not two anymore." "And in case you've forgotten, Edward also has his true-" Jacob cut himself off with one last glare at Embry to answer the cordless phone. "Hello? Yes, Paul, I know. Embry just told me. Go chase a cat or something before I hurt you." Just as Jacob was about to tear Embry a new one for laughing, the phone rang again. "Shut up, already, I know!" "Jake, is everything all right?" As soon as he heard Bella's voice, his anger deflated like a balloon. "Perfect timing, as usual, Bella." Embry sprinted across the garage and leaned in to hear Bella's side of the conversation. Jacob slapped him away, but Embry danced just out of reach. "At least it's not the middle of the night this time. What's going on? You sound stressed." "Remember that book I mentioned last time? You know, the one that exposes all of our secrets? Yeah, the third one came out and now La Push is a zoo of twelve year-old girls trying to imprint with werewolves." Embry deserved that elbow in the gut. "Actually, that's sort of why I called…" "Before you ask, Charlie is doing just fine. He thinks it's cute and likes that they're keeping your memory alive, one way or another. In fact, everyone's getting a big kick out of it. The guys take turns pretending to be 'Jacob Black' and then go out and woo the little girls and give them tours of the reservation." "That's good, but I meant more on along the lines of… Do you have any idea who's writing the books? I don't know how much you know about the Volturi, but if they find out about this…" "Bells, if they keep tabs on bloodsuckers like yourself, I'm sure they knew about these books before they even hit the publisher's desk." "Well, that's what Edward thinks, too, but maybe it's-" "Leah is happily imprinted now, just so you know, but even if she wasn't, she and the rest of them are physically incapable of spilling the beans like that. My not being able to tell you wasn't a one time thing, and trust me, none of us would write a romance between you and that leech." "Well, um, tell everyone I said hi?" "I will-" Embry stole the phone and yelled, "Hi Bella!" before cracking up again and hanging up for me. Still chuckling, he traded a glare for the phone. "Someone's still not house trained."