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Blinded By Darkness

Summary:
A collection of one shots on how the Cullen men feel during different times in the three novels. Rated Teen for minor language. Photobucket
Chapter Nine: Edward's POV of when he asks the Volturi to die.


Notes:
Songs used in this chapter are Le Disko by Shiny Toy Guns and Kill The Messenger by Jack's Mannequin. Chapter One: How Jasper feels when he loses Bella in Twilight.


4. Jasper

Rating 5/5   Word Count 2202   Review this Chapter


In my darkest hours I could not foresee
That the tide could turn so fast to this degree
Can’t believe my eyes
How can you be so blind?
Is the heart of stone, no empathy inside?
Time keeps on slipping away and we haven’t learned
So in the end now what have we gained?

I was disgusted. I didn't think I had felt such disgust in my whole existence. And it just wasn't coming off of me, it was everyone. Some tried to cover it up with other feelings, but it was there and I felt it. The only person I didn't feel it from was Bella, and that moved me deeply.

As soon as Emmett got me outside, I ran. I completely ignored his angry cries as I dodged from his reach and sprinted off into the night. I couldn't handle the hate and shock coming from all of my family. I was so very grateful that no one had followed me. Even Alice, who I knew I had let down.

I just couldn't seem to shake the thoughts rushing in my mind, She's your sister, dammit! It seemed too dreadful to think of the pain I had caused this family.

It scared me to think of what I knew could have happened if it had just been the two of us. I could feel the scene unwind in my mind and I suddenly felt strangely like Alice with her visions. Then, it hit me:

I peeked inside the window of the Swan Residence. Chief Swan had gone on a fishing trip for the weekend and Bella was left alone. Also, my family had gone on an extended hunting trip and Edward had told me to check on Bella at least twice. As I looked in, Bella was reading and opening mail while she sat on the sofa. I laughed quietly, she probably had no clue there was someone watching her from the window.

Then, as she opened an envelope, it sliced her finger open. A single deep red drop flowed out from the wound and spilled onto the ground. She yelped out quietly and the venom pooled into my mouth. I could smell the mouthwatering scent from her blood from here. I needed the blood that flowed in her veins, that pumped her heart, that gave her blush. I needed it now.

I saw as she got up to get a towel to clean it up. I couldn't wait that long. I rushed up to the door and knocked softly on the wood. I looked around, dusk was was already upon us. Good, there would be no neighbors to worry about. I silently prayed that no one would hear her screams. I heard her shuffle around and she soon opened the door. She was holding her cut hand in her other arm and her eyes widened when she saw me. She knew I was the Cullen with the worst control, and she knew she was in for a wild ride. She gasped lightly when she saw my eyes. Black. Hungry. Crazed. Monstrous. Evil. All the things I had been trying to bury. She tried to shut the door, even though it wouldn't stop me in the long run, but I held my hand out and stopped it. She whimpered slightly as I shoved my way through. How I managed to still be in such control when her finger was still oozing out blood surprised me.

I shut the door behind me and turned around. She was cowered in the corner across from me and I could not only smell her fear, but I could feel it. A small voice in the back of my head whispered,
Don't do it. She's Bella. Bella Swan. Not some useless worthless animal. It was the only sane part of me left, and I stomped the voice down, not caring enough. When I did that, the monster took control.

"Bella, don't be scared. Come here, please," I plead. She shook her head quickly and tried to flatten herself against the wall even more. I sighed. Then, the unexplainable happened. Her foot had gotten caught on a wire when she stepped in the corner. As she moved it slightly at the sound of my voice, it pulled on a lamp. It came down on her and crushed her shoulder and shattered. I gasped. Blood was seeping out of her arm. The same blood that I needed so desperately. God was obviously not shining down on Isabella Swan today. I couldn't take it anymore. I snapped. Before I knew it, I was in front of Bella. She looked up at me with panic in her eyes. The blood was slowly starting to cease its flow from her fingertip. I roughly grasped her hand and brought it to my chilling lips. I sucked. The blood started to flow from the small wound and into my mouth. I groaned with ecstasy. Human blood tasted even better than I imagined. There was no hope of stopping now. She was frozen in shock at my actions. Who wouldn't be? Maybe in my sub-conscious I was hoping the sane part of me would take control. Or maybe I was just trying to give the poor girl a little more time to live.

I needed more. I let her hand go and it hung limply at her side.

"
Please, Jasper. Please. I know you don't want to do this. This isn't the real you. What would Alice think if she saw you? What would Edward do if he saw you about to kill me? What about Esme? Do you really want to hurt her? And Carlisle? Jasper, if you kill me, they won't forgive you." Her voice shook with uncertainty. She was my prey. These nonsense names she called out meant nothing. Carlisle? Alice? Who were these people? I ignored her as I grasped her neck. She gasped at my cold touch and struggled to get away. I laughed bitterly.

I pulled her closer and stroked the precious base of her throat. Yes, my prize. My reward. Mine. She whimpered softly as I put my free hand to her lips to cease the noise. I bent down and pressed my lips to her ear. She shivered with the close contact as I whispered.

"
Edward won't be able to hear your screams." She screamed out as I laughed. I clamped my hand back over her mouth tightly as I continued with the task on hand. I bent down, closer, closer, just a little bit. Yes! My mouth had come in contact with her throat. I grazed my teeth along the skin and she shook. With fear? Excitement? I wasn't sure. My powers had left me in such a dark hour.

Then, I bit down. Oh, the pleasure. Her thick sweet blood filled my mouth as I gulped down. Nothing was better than this. Then taking a life for your own. Her movements became jerky as I continued to drink. It was amazing. It strengthened my senses. I groaned out again, even louder than the first time. Then, her movements went limp. She was gone. And so was the blood.

I pulled back and looked into her lifeless face. As I gazed into her glazed over eyes and saw that no light would ever glitter from them, it hit me. This was Bella. Oh God, no. I yelped and dropped her like she was something lethal. No! No!
NO! I couldn't have killed her! She had just been alive a second ago.

I numbly stepped back a few feet and tripped over my own two feet, a first in my existence. I fell to the ground and crawled back while looking at her. It must have been the first time in my existence that I was scared. As her glazed eyes pierced back into my ruby red ones I shook in fear. It was like a scene from my nightmares, that is if I had any.

I kept backing up and came to a stop as my back hit the wall. Her eyes were still gazing into mine from her position on the floor 10 feet away. I let the guilt swallow me whole, too weak to fight it. I deserved it. I deserved all of my agony, all of my anger, all of my guilt.

All I knew was I was a murderer. And I had killed Isabella Swan. My sister.

"I didn't seem to get the memo that said you were the new psychic in the family. Hmm." I turned around swiftly and let my gaze fall on Edward. I could feel the anger washing off of him.

"I'm not going to get angry at you, Jasper. I'm not even angry with you. It's in your nature, in all of ours, and you struggle the most. It's fine. I just, well," he started to gaze off in space as his words came to a stop. He wasn't angry with me? Who wouldn't be? Then, he chuckled lightly.

"Oh, I may not be angry with you, but that doesn't mean the rest of the family isn't. Emmett in particular. He's ready to rip you limb to limb. I would watch out when you come back." He sighed heavily as he closed his eyes.

"Tell her I'm sorry. I just lost it back there. I hope she's not, well I hope she's not angry with me or scared. Actually, she should be. But, I just hope she can forgive me, even though it's way too much to ask." This time it was me who sighed heavily. She would undoubtedly hate me after I almost killed her.

"No, actually. I think she blames herself. She isn't angry with you, either. Not at all. I'm starting to think I'll never understand her," he mumbled. I was in too much shock to fully pay attention. She didn't blame me? Bella was truly an exceptional person.

"Yes, I know. That's why I think I know what we do now." I felt pain rolling off of him in waves. What did he mean? Wouldn't we just try to pretend this night never happened? I would keep my distance and everyone would be fine.

"No, Jasper. I can't do that. I think we may leave. It's for the best," he gasped in air as if the idea pained him.

"All right, but we'll have to go somewhere Bella can go," I smiled lightly as I tried to picture Bella in Denali with so many vampires. Even I'm slightly out of my comfort zone while in the presence of so many inhumans.

"We wouldn't take Bella. Anyway, I have to get back. Please, hurry home soon. Alice is worried but she doesn't want to intrude." He sprinted back the way he came as I was frozen. We wouldn't take Bella. How could he do that? We all knew Bella loved him and he loved her. If Edward even doubted her love for a second, I didn't. I could feel it the second he walked into a room.

I felt sick. If Edward went through with this plan of his, I knew I would have broken my promise drastically. I had hurt her two times tonight. I had attacked her and if Edward left she'll be miserable. Maybe it would have been better for my 'vision' to happen. She would be better off dead than without Edward. I may not know Bella the most, but I knew that without him she felt worthless. She was family. Didn't it say somewhere the families weren't allowed to desert their own members? It was wrong and cruel.

I couldn't face my family yet, that was sure. I doubted I could ever face Bella again. I would just be full of shame and humiliation.

As I sunk down on my haunches and leaned on a tree stump, I envisioned those glazed over eyes. The still body. The white cheeks. The dead heart. The bloodless body of Isabella Marie Swan. I lightly ran my fingertips over the lively grass, reveling in the feeling of the earth. There were no feelings here. Just peace.

I knew that whatever happened after this, it would all be my fault. Whether it was good or bad, I would be to blame. If Edward left her heartbroken and lifeless, it was my fault. If Bella than committed suicide in a way to ease the pain of not living with love, it would be my fault. I was truly a monster. I let my own feelings of guilt and anguish consume me whole, just like in my 'vision'.

For the first time in my vampiric existence, I weeped tearless sobs.

Are they themselves to blame, the misery, the pain?
Didn’t we let go, allowed it, let it grow?
If we can’t restrain the beast which dwells inside
it will find it’s way somehow, somewhere in time
Will we remember all of the suffering
Cause if we fail it will be in vain