Blinded By Darkness
A collection of one shots on how the Cullen men feel during different times in the three novels. Rated Teen for minor language.
Chapter Nine: Edward's POV of when he asks the Volturi to die.
Songs used in this chapter are Le Disko by Shiny Toy Guns and Kill The Messenger by Jack's Mannequin. Chapter One: How Jasper feels when he loses Bella in Twilight.
Rating 5/5 Word Count 3374 Review this Chapter
Shadows all around you as you surface from the dark
Emerging from the gentle grip of night's unfolding arms
Darkness, darkness everywhere, do you feel all alone?
The subtle grace of gravity, the heavy weight of stone
I knew this would be hard and so very wrong. I knew it, and yet I continued walking my angel into the woods, where we would part. I gulped. Was this really a smart idea? Emmett's voice echoed into my mind, She loves you! Why can't you see that? She'll be just as bad as you! I frantically tried to push the idea aside, not wanting to rethink my plans. I had made up my mind, and I was stubborn enough not to go back on it.
I heard her breathing hitch as her heart rate climbed higher. I closed my eyes briefly, committing the sounds that flowed from her to memory. She was following closely behind me, and suddenly I couldn't take it. It seemed I must have snapped, and abruptly. I felt sick, which is very unusual for a vampire, and I felt the need to just get it over with. I felt the need to get away from her, and stay at the same time. How odd.
I leaned against a tree, trying to conceal my facial expressions. I knew Bella often relied on my eyes to tell her how I felt, so first I focused on hiding them. She looked at me curiously, and I instantly felt like I couldn't do this. She was far too beautiful, too kind, too innocent for me to do this to her.
"Okay, let's talk." Her voice rang out, like a dozen bells. I took a breath of fresh air, readying myself for the blow.
"Bella, we're leaving." Her name felt so right coming off of my lips while the rest of the sentence felt absolutely horrid and out of place.
"Why now? Another year-" I cut her off, she was getting the wrong impression.
"Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless." I made sure to focus on keeping my expression emotionless and my eyes cold. She stared at me, clearly confused, with her brow puckered and bottom lip jutting out. I could hardly contain my smile. She had no clue how cute she was when she was confused. No, this wasn't helping. I had to stop thinking of her in such a way or else I would never seem sincere.
"When you say we-" She whispered, and I cut her off. Again. I internally sighed, wondering how far I would have to go before she understood. I hated doing this. Every second I stood here and lied felt like a century of pure agony. It was beyond cruel. It was heartless. I shook my head, too fast for her to see, while trying to clear my head.
"I mean my family and myself." I tried to make each word sound cold and separate, hoping it would sink in. She looked sick, not physically, but mentally. I watched as she shook her head back and forth, her lustrous locks spilling over her shoulders. I gulped, no, this would be anything but easy. It felt like my heart was being ripped in two.
"Okay, I'll come with you." Her desperate attempt nearly had my heart plummeting. She would do so much, all for me. And what was I doing in return? Leaving. I was truly a monster, who did monstrous things.
"You can't, Bella. Where we're going...It's not the right place for you." My mood lifted a fraction when I realized I wasn't completely lying when I said this. Denali certainly wasn't the right place for her with all those vampires. Sure, they had the same diet as my family, but their other ways weren't as similar.
"Where you are is the right place for me." She looked so earnest, so certain. I nearly broke down and asked for forgiveness right then and there. No, don't falter.
"I'm no good for you, Bella." Saying her name was becoming an addiction. She looked shocked, and partially angry.
"Don't be ridiculous. You're the very best part of my life." Her voice sounded desperate, as if in begging. She had no clue the control she had over me. I had to fight with myself just not to say "You're right. I'm so sorry."
"My world is not for you," I said grimly.
"What happened with Jasper-that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!" Her begging, yet angry voice echoed around me. I could see the tears beginning to gather in her eyes. How badly I wanted to tell her not to cry, not to feel upset, and to brush those tears away.
"You're right. It was exactly what was to be expected." How could I have been so stupid to think that this could work? That my family and our ways could possibly coexist with her.
"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay-" She began, but there was one small detail she was leaving out,
"As long as that was best for you." I finished for her. Then, she grew angry. Her glorious blush filled her cheeks as her eyes hardened.
"No! This is about my soul, isn't it? Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you-it's yours already!" I wanted to scream. Anything to stop the pain that was pulsing through me. She thought I didn't understand, that I didn't get the fact that she felt useless without me. I wanted to scoff at the idea. That was me she was describing, not herself. With a deep breath, I realized what I had to do. I had to be crueler, harsher. And I hated the very idea of it.
"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." I made sure to speak every word slowly and precisely. If Emmett was here, he would surely kill me. I watched as she took it all in. She looked distant, like she was trying to make sense of everything. Almost everything I had said today had been a complete lie. And I hated lying to Bella, especially about something like this.
"You...don't...want...me?" My facade almost broke. Almost. The way she said it made me feel terrible. She looked so lost, so hurt, and I fought against the impulse to hold her and tell her it was all a lie. That I was a lie. But, I knew what I had to do. I had to tell her the complete opposite of how I felt.
"No." She stared at me, and I stared back. I needed her to believe this. To believe it all. I never knew one word could change so many things, so many ideas, so many feelings.
"Well, that changes things." She sounded calm, and I almost gawked at her in surprise. Calm was one of the very least emotions I expected to be getting from her today. I looked away, out towards the trees, in an attempt to break away from her intense stare. It felt unnerving to look into her eyes and see only raw pain.
"Of course, I'll always love you...in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm...tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human." I made sure to emphasize my words with an icy stare to her. I felt sick again, the unfamiliar humanlike feeling. It was like I would be nauseous, like everything was crumbling down and all I could do was stand here and feed her lies and feel faint and lightheaded.
"I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that." And I was sorry for that. Truly, deeply, sorry. It had been just a huge mistake to believe I could love her the way she deserved. She deserved so much more than what I could give her. She looked aware, and I gulped. Now, she understood what I was saying. I had to control my face from crumpling into pain.
"Don't. Don't do this." I had no response. Her pleading, whispering voice made it impossible to come up with anything worthwhile to say, and I was still feeling faint. I just simply stared back, trying to tell her it was too late to change my mind.
"You're no good for me, Bella." I hated, with a burning passion, saying this. On Bella's first day of school I had felt like she was my own personal hell, now I knew otherwise. This was my personal hell. Telling her she wasn't good for me and that I didn't want her. I was disgusted with myself. Utterly disgusted and repulsed.
"If...that's what you want." Oh my sweet, sweet, Bella, this would never be what I want.
I just nodded in return.
"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much." Her pleading face had changed to something much different in reaction to my words. I wasn't sure if she was aware of it, but I was. It was like someone in agonizing pain, whispering out their last words of life. Like she was dying. Like she was out of life, love, and happiness. I could feel my act crumbling. Her face had me trapped in my lies and pain.
"Anything." For you, I wanted her to add on, but I knew she wouldn't. Not now, anyway.
"Don't do anything reckless or stupid. Do you understand what I'm saying?" I let my hidden eyes fade, knowing she would notice it and realize I was serious. I needed her to know she couldn't do anything dangerous while I wasn't here. She nodded, too numb to say anything.
"I'm thinking of Charlie, or course. He needs you. Take care of yourself-for him." I needed to clarify it was strictly for Charlie's sake before she got the impression that I actually really did care what happened to her.
"I will." She nodded once more, and I relaxed. I couldn't bare think of the idea of her getting in danger if I wasn't here to protect her.
"And I'll make you a promise in return. I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without anymore interference from me. It was be as if I'd never existed." This must have been the toughest thing to say in all my years of living. Never had such words been so hard to force out of my mouth and keep them sincere and truthful. I watched in horror as her knees shook. I was hurting her, that I knew, I just hoped to whatever god that was out there that Carlisle wasn't right in saying that I would be hurting her beyond recognition. That, I simply could not ever live with.
"Don't worry. You're human-your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind." I smiled gently, making sure my words went through.
"And your memories?" Her choking voice asked. It sounded like something was lodged in her throat, and I hated listening to that torturing sound. "Well, I won't forget. But my kind...we're very easily distracted." I smiled, once again, but I felt like she was seeing through it. I knew that I would never be distracted from my Bella, and the memories of her, but lied. Yet again.
"That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again." This was the part I was not looking forward to, walking away from my angel forever. I knew I had to do it, yet I couldn't stand the thought of leaving her. Forever. Up to here, it had almost felt like this was just practice, or rehearsal. But now it was the real deal, where I would walk out of her life forever.
"Alice isn't coming back." I was shocked, she had realized that? I almost didn't know what to say.
"No. They're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye." She still seemed to be uncomprehending, and I almost regretted my choice of not letting Alice come. She could have maybe made things easier for Bella.
"Alice is gone?" She sounded stunned.
"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you." She looked faint, dizzied. I prayed that Alice wasn't seeing this in a vision. I listened as Bella tried to breathe normally, trying to put herself back together.
"Goodbye, Bella." No, I didn't want to do this. Not yet. I couldn't do this. I knew I was physically able to simply walk away, but mentally I was so sure that I could never leave my Bella.
"Wait!" She choked out as her hand reached forward. If I was human, I would have been sobbing. She looked fearful of being left alone in this vass world. I couldn't blame her. I wanted so badly to reach back to her, to grab her safely in my arms, but somewhere deep within I restrained myself. I grabbed her wrists and pinned them down to her sides as I leaned down and pressed my lips to her forehead for one last time. I listened to her breathing, unsteady and choking, and to her heart, beating wildly. I paid special attention to the sound of the blood pulsing beneath her flesh, and let her warmth soak me; committing it all to memory.
"Take care of yourself," I love you, I added, as I ran reluctantly away from my one love. I ran swiftly back to her house, ready to put the second part of my plan into action. I tried to ignore the thought of her pained expression in my mind as my dry sobs racked my body as I went into her room. I let her scent wash over me, hoping I could take some small part of it to wherever I would be headed to next.
I grabbed every part of myself from her house. I knew it was childish and I knew she would someday find it, but I didn't care. I felt like I needed to leave some part of myself here. With her. I picked up a loosened floorboard and put the CD and the pictures underneath. I stood up, took a deep breath, and headed downstairs. Just one last thing.
I left Charlie a note, from her, saying she was in the woods. I couldn't bring myself to sign it as her name, so I wrote B. I closed my eyes briefly, remembering every detail of this house, before running out of it at top speed.
I didn't stop running until I was miles and miles away. I looked up, towards the moonless night. It was a new moon. It wasn't until then, that I was completely and utterly alone, did I crumble down to the ground and weep tearless sobs. The stars gazed down on me as I thought of what she could possibly be doing right now. I gulped as another wave of raw pain washed over me, and I yelled out. If this was what it took to save her, I would gladly accept it. I was a masochist. If leaving her, letting an angel live the life she was destined, was able to take back all of my dark sins, so be it.
I gazed up, through my invisible tears, as the sun came up. I laughed bitterly, the actual sun was coming up. The bloody horizon cut through the stars and all traces of night was soon forgotten. I heard footsteps behind me, numerous people. I tried to reach out to their minds, but I couldn't. My body shook violently, remembering how it reminded me of how I couldn't get through her mind. I felt something brush my face. My eyes snapped open into a pair of loving topaz ones.
"Oh, my sweet, sweet baby." Esme cooed as she gathered me into her arms and rocked me back and forth. I looked around, the whole family, except for Rosalie, was around me. I wanted to stand, to say I was all right, but I wasn't strong enough. I could hardly even move. "We're all here, dear. All of us. We won't leave you, I promise. Oh, my baby," she continued. I hugged her back as the only mother I've known tried to comfort me.
"Oh, Edward, what have we done?" Alice asked, as she kneeled down to me. I heard basic outlines of her thoughts, but I was still too weak to reach out and listen.
"I can't stay here. It's too, too painful." Jasper mumbled as he ran off. I felt someone grab me from Esme's loving embrace and pull me to my feet. As soon as I was on my feet, I started to fall again, but they caught me. Esme sniffled in protest.
"No, you don't. Come on, you can't wallow here forever. Get up, Edward, get up." Emmett's gentle, yet stern voice echoed in my ears as he let me lean on him for support. I yelped out, not wanting to move on. Couldn't I just stay here, forever, and be pitied by all? I didn't want to have to leave, to have to put any more distance between me and her. Someone grabbed my face, roughly yet kindly, and I tried to make my eyes focus on the blurring image of someone in front of me. Carlisle.
"Snap out of it, Edward. We're not leaving you here, we simply won't lose another member of this family. We all love you, we don't want to see you go to waste. I know you can pull out of it, for Bella's sake. She wouldn't want you to be this way." I flinched when he said her name. I knew it was irrational, but I tried to attack him. How dare he talk of her, as if he knew her wishes. I snarled as I tried to pounce, but Emmett held me tightly. Esme gasped lightly, a sound of pain, as Alice shook her head.
"If you really want to fight me then do so. Emmett, let him go." Carlisle looked at me squarely in the eyes, daring me to attack. Did I really want to attack Carlisle, my father? He had given me so much, did I want to reciprocate those feelings by fighting? Emmett, reluctantly, let me go. I was clueless. What should I do?
"Oh, Edward!" Before I could do anything, Esme was back in my arms, hugging my responseless form. They thought I would get better, that I could snap out of it.
As the sun came up, I was surrounded by my family, all of those who loved me. There was only one person that I wanted to be there, just one that seemed to be missing from all of it. Her.
You don't see what you possess, a beauty calm and clear
It floods the sky and blurs the darkness like a chandelier
All the light that you possess is skewed by lakes and seas
The shattered surface, so imperfect, is all that you believe
I will bring a mirror, so silver, so exact
So precise and so pristine, a perfect pane of glass
I will set the mirror up to face the blackened sky
So you can see your beauty every moment that you rise