Blinded By Darkness
A collection of one shots on how the Cullen men feel during different times in the three novels. Rated Teen for minor language.
Chapter Nine: Edward's POV of when he asks the Volturi to die.
Songs used in this chapter are Le Disko by Shiny Toy Guns and Kill The Messenger by Jack's Mannequin. Chapter One: How Jasper feels when he loses Bella in Twilight.
Rating 5/5 Word Count 1882 Review this Chapter
All of my memories keep you near
In silent moments
Imagine you'd be here.
All of my memories keep you near,
Your silent whispers, silent tears
Happiness: gone. Joy: gone. Bliss: gone. Family: gone. Love: gone. Life: gone. Everything was just gone. Vanished, disappeared, swept away. Missing. All of the good parts of life were missing. I laughed bitterly, did I even really have a life when I was dead? Not only physically, but mentally, too. I was numb, pained, hurt, and miserable. I glanced around the dark attic, taking notice of the crawling spiders, the scattering rats. And where was I? I didn't even know. I just watched it all fade away right in front of me. And I did absolutely nothing to stop it. All I did was run. I ran from everything these day, I noticed. I ran from her, I ran from my family, I ran from Denali, I ran from my life. And now I was running after something; someone.
I gulped. Was this really worth it? Was leaving and running and lying to myself actually, truly worth it? I shook my head, yes, it was. If I had to be in pain just for her to be happy, I would gladly do just that. Even if it killed me in the end.
Because, ultimately, she deserved it. She deserved all the things I could never give her. She deserved to be happy, to be free. And I was a monster for taking that away from her as long as I had.
I moaned as my head hit the wooden plank in front of me. I really was useless. And not only was I useless, but I was miserable. I laughed humorlessly as I watched all the rats give me a big birth. I must have been so disgusting, even they were disgusted by my mere presence.
A slight sunrise lit up the morning sky in South America and I squeezed my eyelids tightly shut in protest to this meaningful symbol. She had always loved the sun, and she deserved to be in it. My mind started to wander, trying to picture her in the sun.
I screamed, outraged, when I could hardly produce a mental image of her. I could only see her beautiful, glossy mahogany hair flowing in a gentle breeze along with her full, pouty lips. And that was it. I groaned as I heard the Spanish thoughts bellow me, thinking about what could possibly be making such loud noises above.
A sudden flash of her window came up behind me eyelids. The seductive look of the curtains blowing wide open, welcoming me in to her warm embrace where I would wish to be for all eternity. No, I scolded myself. I couldn't think of that and not yearn to go back. To call the airport and demand a ticket for the next flight to Seattle.
I jumped slightly as my cell phone vibrated from my back pocket. I swallowed down the venom that had been building in my throat and sighed. Couldn't my family just leave me alone for all eternity? I didn't want their pitying, their thoughts of her, their thoughts of me. I would never go back. End of story.
The annoying vibrations finally ceased and as I started to relax, it vibrated again. I grumbled incoherently as I reached into my back pocket and snatched it out. Without checking the Caller ID, I flipped it open and held it to my ear.
"What do you want?" I asked, not even flinching at the sound of my unused and void voice. I heard an impatient sigh from the other end and I closed the phone. It was Rosalie, and I didn't have the heart to talk to her. A ghost of a smile appeared on my face as I realized just how true that was. I really didn't have a heart at all.
I leaned back against the wooden wall and closed my eyes. I was in the middle of a random South American town, in the attic of some building, completely miserable and pained. Brief snippets of memories flashed through my scarred mind, memories of us together.
People really had no clue how correct they were with the phrase "short and sweet".
My phone started vibrating again, and I barely resisted the urge to just smash it. I wanted to be left alone, damn it, and they just couldn't grasp onto that idea. Was it so hard to leave me in peace, to leave me to wallow by myself?
"What is it, Rosalie? And if you dare start-" She cut me off viciously with a biting remark. My jaw tensed, wanting to just hang up. Strangely, I had a feeling I should stay on.
"My God, Edward, calm the hell down. You know, hanging up on people really isn't polite." I couldn't help but let a low snarl out as she laughed. "It isn't polite to snarl at family members, either," She hastily pointed out.
"Is this just some checking up call? Because I'm really in no mood to chat, Rosalie," I growled into the phone. I listened as she stopped breathing, a nervous habit of hers, and that's when I grew concerned.
"Rosalie, is something wrong? Is it Esme? Emmett? Carlisle? Tell me." She let out her breath of air and I could almost see her rolling her eyes.
"Well, something is wrong. But not with someone in our family. Well, I don't like to think of her as someone in the family, but you know everyone else. They just welcome everyone with open arms," She murmured roughly into the phone. The only person that I could think of that she would be talking this way of was her. Her.
"What's going on, Rosalie?" I demanded and she huffed quietly.
"Look, everyone else wasn't planning on telling you. I just thought, well, I thought you deserved to know. The sooner you know, the sooner you can get over this whole mess and come home." I didn't really feel like telling her I would never get over it, and that I'd probably never come home, so I just grunted in agreement.
"If you're just going to go on and never get to the point, give the phone to Alice, please. I don't have time for these nonsense games," I mumbled as I pinched the bridge of my nose with my fingers. Sometimes she could be infuriating, and now was one of those times.
"Um, that's why I'm calling. See, Alice isn't here," She whispered nervously back. My eyes snapped open, Alice wasn't there? Alice was always there.
"Where is she then?" I asked impatiently. A long pause echoed back on the other line and then Rosalie continued.
"Forks," She whispered, barely audible. I stiffened, Alice? In Forks? A low snarl ripped from my lips as I thought of Alice in her kitchen, talking and catching up as I sat here. If I ever got past Jasper, I'd strangle that annoying, little pest that we so graciously named Alice.
"Why?" I asked, my voice completely gone of emotion.
"Well, oh God, I know this sounds horrible. And I know you probably don't want to hear this from me-" I cut her off. I needed to know why she was in Forks, and I needed to know now.
"Why, Rosalie?" My voice was deadly even, a habit of mine she knew better of crossing. She heaved a big sigh and then her voice grew softer, a voice I had never heard her use directly towards anyone except for Emmett.
"She's dead, Edward." I froze. The words seemed uncomprehending in my mind. Dead? I had never known someone personally who died, well not someone I was close to, and I found it strangely odd at the time.
"Who's dead?" I had to make sure she was talking about her. Bella. And not Alice. I knew it was incredibly wrong, but I found myself wishing and hoping she would say Alice was the one who died.
"Bella. She threw herself off a cliff just two days ago. I never thought I'd find myself saying this, but I'm so sorry, Edward. I really am." I closed my eyes, if this was some sort of sick, twisted joke, I would surely kill Rosalie before she even had the chance to laugh at me in spite of herself.
Then I hung up.
No, she couldn't be dead. She couldn't be. It was unreal, it was impossible, it wasn't right. At all. If she was dead, why was I even still here? Had these past few months been a complete waste? Could I have been there, with Bella, until the day she finally died?
And then there was that weight. That pressure on my chest. I had always known I had no beating heart, but now it felt truly empty. Gone. Stolen. Like when her's stopped beating, she took mine with her. And this unfamiliar pressure was full of guilt. Suicide. That's what they called it when people killed themselves.
I felt like rolling into a ball and sobbing forever. I had found no way in my heart to show emotion, and I felt thankful when I noticed that not only did I have a heart to begin with, but I was too weak to even show emotion.
She was gone.
I shakily dialed the familiar phone number of her house and when it started to ring, I noticed my breathing hitched considerably. Finally, a young man answered, his youthful voice deep and husky.
"Swan residence," he answered. I didn't have time to dwell on the fact that someone I had never heard of was at her house.
"This is Dr. Carlisle Cullen, could I speak to Charlie?" I responded, by voice perfectly imitating my adoptive father's accent. I heard a slight noise of indignance from the other line and I waited impatiently.
"No, he's at the funeral." If you ever knew what it feels for time to just stop, you would know what I felt then. I briskly hung up the phone and threw it at the other wall. She was gone, she was gone, she was gone. Gone. Like so many other things in this damn existence of mine.
The word just seemed to repeat itself over and over in my head. Gone. Gone. Gone. Everything was gone. Everyone was gone. All the good memories were gone. All of it. None of it. I sighed, now I was just confusing myself.
There was nothing to go back to.
The thought hit me, like a total impact of a ton of bricks. If I went back to Forks, it would hold nothing for me. It would be empty and the life that once grew there would be gone. There was that word again: gone. Even the way it sounded was just empty and void.
I then realized why I wasn't crying. I would have thought that if she ever died, I would be a sobbing mess. But now, I noticed, I was just so empty to even show emotion. My emotions were gone.
And that's when I planned my trip to Volterra.
Oh where oh were could my baby be?
The lord took her away from me
She's gone to heaven so I've got to be good
So I can see my baby when I leave this world