Blinded By Darkness
A collection of one shots on how the Cullen men feel during different times in the three novels. Rated Teen for minor language.
Chapter Nine: Edward's POV of when he asks the Volturi to die.
Songs used in this chapter are Le Disko by Shiny Toy Guns and Kill The Messenger by Jack's Mannequin. Chapter One: How Jasper feels when he loses Bella in Twilight.
Rating 5/5 Word Count 4160 Review this Chapter
Stay with me now
I'm facing my last solemn hour
Very soon I'll embrace you
On the other side
Hear the crowd in the distance
Screaming out my faith
Now their voices are fading
I can feel no more pain
Even though I was confined in the airplane, flying over the European countryside, I could still feel the tight air swooshing through my ears. The thoughts of others crowded around me and rushed into my mind. And for the most part of the trip, I let them wash over me. I couldn't deal with the hurt my unbeating heart was feeling. I couldn't deal with the memories of her face, so young and pure, flowing in my mind and blinding me with her smile. I couldn't deal with the grief that would consume me whole as I asked for death and wondered how my family would react.
So, for the 2 hour plain ride, I tried to live the lives of others, for mine was too painful to bear.
I wearily scanned through the airplane, trying to grasp onto someone's thoughts. It was inconveniently 2 in the morning, and only a handful of people were on the plane. I leaned my head against the back of the seat and gazed out the window. The dark clouds were laced with water as the moon shone brightly overhead. I felt so drained, mentally and emotionally. Too much had happened in the past months, too much heartbreak and grief. It was almost too much to handle.
I would always regret leaving her. Especially now.
She always told me that I wasn't a monster. That I wasn't horrible and that I did have a soul. By the middle of the plain ride, I found myself wondering if she would still think that. Even now; after I had been the cause of her death. She was gone because of me. If I had just died in 1918, like I was supposed to, we would have never met. She would have lived her life in the safeness and security that Forks supplied. She would have dated boys like Mike Newton, had friends like Angela Webber, and done things that every other teenager does.
And, because I didn't die in 1918, she died.
My eyelids fluttered shut as I wondered why she did it. Was it because the pain was too much, like it was for me? She had promised. Damn it, she promised. She told me she wouldn't do anything reckless or stupid. But she did. She threw herself off of those cursed cliffs and plummeted towards the choppy waves. Did she even care what it would do to Charlie? To Renee? To my family?
I hissed quietly, too low for anyone else to hear. Of course she wasn't thinking of how it would affect me. In her mind, she probably thought I hated her. That I despised her. What a ludicrous thought. I still could not comprehend how she could ever think that way. I hated that I was so persuading. That with just a glance with my eyes, I could make anyone think what I wanted them to. I hated that she could so easily believe me.
I hated myself.
I forcefully stomped my foot on the brake as the car I 'borrowed' pulled up alongside the castle walls of the ancient, yet dangerous, city of Volterra. A bitter sigh escaped my lips as I tugged the keys out from the ignition. I had thrown my cell phone out hours ago. I didn't want to have to deal with calls from Carlisle, or anyone else for that matter. I knew Alice had probably seen my future - however grim it was - in one of her visions, and I also knew she would have told the rest of the family.
I almost expected to walk through the walls of the city and see them all lined up, one by one, waiting to cart me back.
But none of them would ever understand. They all had each other, with no problems or challenges. I angrily slammed the car door shut and it quivered precariously as it met the metal frame. I frowned as I walked away from the sleek, black car and up to one of the guards. I had used the secret entrance, one I was sure no one but Carlisle and I even knew about in the family. It was guarded only by my kind for one reason; the only people that even knew of it were of my kind. No humans would ever learn the secrets of Volterra, and if they did, they'd be dead in a matter of seconds.
"Name, please," The guard at the entrance demanded as he watched me with ruby eyes, like dark pools of blood. I sifted curiously through his mind as he wandered off about someone in the guard named Heidi. I did a swift roll of my eyes as I flickered my gaze towards the mountainous sky. A pool of venom glided down my throat as I hissed.
"Edward Cullen," I murmured, my head turning back to the awaiting guard. His ruby eyes widened the slightest and I listened to his thoughts, A Cullen, huh? Wasn't that the doctor's last name? Carlisle Cullen? I wonder if he's in the same coven. I'll have to let Aro kn- Hey, didn't Carlisle mention once he had a mind-reading son?
I plastered on a face of innocence as I listened. I would give nothing away. I would not let them know. Especially not this particular guard.
"Edward Cullen, hmm. I think I know that name," He mumbled. I shrugged while taking in his appearance; long black cape, glistening ruby eyes, flexing muscles, and cropped dark hair. He could have been easily mistaken for Emmett, if not for the hair and the eyes. I sighed and looked back at the lone car I left next to the castle walls.
"I am Carlisle Cullen's son. Now, please, if you could, I would enjoy it if you could take me to your masters," I replied as politely as I could. The vampire in front of me merely nodded and blinked before taking a step back. Before I followed, I turned briskly around. My eyes traveled over the Italian countryside, past the cliffs, and towards the magnificent sky above. The clouds were still dark and the wind was picking up as each second ticked away.
A storm was coming.
I turned towards the guard and gave a grim smile as I stepped into the territory of Volterra. I had just had my last look as a free man.
"So, may I ask you, what is your business here?" The vampire, who I had learned was named Felix from his thoughts, guided me through the city. We glided smoothly through the shadows along the walls, staying out of eyesight of the humans surrounding us. I was thankful for the distraction of Felix's thoughts. The unfamiliar sights around me took my mind from her and everything else.
"It's personal," I mumbled as he came to a stop outside of a large, stone door. I tilted my head backwards, my eyes regarding the door with curiosity. The stone carvings that lined it were magnificent and as Felix tugged on the handle, I learned that no human could possibly be strong enough to open it. The Volturi was clever.
"Well, you'll have to spill sometime, Edward Cullen," Felix responded with a sly smile. I grunted in response as he held the door for me. I walked inside and Felix soon followed before locking the door behind him. He brusquely walked past me and into the lobby, which I noticed, was incredibly large. Old Italian antiques lined the walls with beautiful pictures. Michelangelo. da Vinci. Raphael. Solimena.
I winced the slightest. Carlisle always did love the work of Solimena.
"Ah, Gianna. This is Edward Cullen. He needs to talk to Aro, Caius, and Marcus," Felix smugly exclaimed as I observed the walls. They were covered in a tan stone that was polished neatly. I flashed my eyes towards the neat desk in the middle of the lobby and lightly gasped. I should have known the second I walked in here that not all of us were vampires. The smell of wildflowers covered everything.
Gianna was human.
"Oh course, I'll let them know right away," She declared before grabbing a phone nearby. Her eyes glanced my way once before straying back to a notebook in front of her. She murmured something into the phone but I didn't care enough to listen to the conversation. Felix leaned against the counter of the desk and tapped his fingers on the granite hard top.
"They'll probably see you straight away. Knowing Aro, he won't want to keep you waiting," Felix grumbled as if it was an afterthought. I glanced at him as I clenched my jaw tightly. I rubbed my temples vigorously. I was about to lose it, that I knew. There were so many differences between a vampire and a human's mind. But at that second, I could only think of one similarity.
The reality of it hadn't yet set it, and I was just wasting my time trying to speed things up. Because, if I wanted to tell the truth, I wanted to feel the pain of having the full blow of losing her. I wanted to feel the whole grief and let it consume me. I deserved it all.
"They will see you now," Gianna said politely with a smile. I didn't have time to ask Felix what he had meant before he loped towards a pair of oak doors and pushed them open. I strode forward to catch up, ignoring Gianna's thoughts of wondering why I was even here in the first place.
Somehow, somewhere deep in my conscience, I was thinking the same thing. And then her face would reappear back in my mind, bright and beautiful, radiating loveliness and I remembered she was gone. An angel taken from this world. Because of me. Felix walked forwards, confidence swelling from him, and I followed shortly behind him. His thoughts were full of how Aro would respond to my presence.
Finally, he came to another set of doors. I briefly closed my eyes and he roughly pushed the doors open. The cold air brushed my face from the impact as the doors banged against the walls. I looked ahead and Felix arrogantly walked forward, his voice echoing throughout the dark room in front of me.
"Masters, a visitor has arrived in the city of Volterra," He enthusiastically exclaimed. I sighed as I stepped forward; a few groans came from the audience before me. Clearly, I was not the only one who grew tired of Felix.
"Felix, we know. Gianna has already told us. Now, Edward Cullen. How very interesting." A raspy voice met my ears and I let my gaze fall onto the form of Aro Volturi. His jet black hair fell in waves down to his shoulders where he wore a large gold chain around his neck. A ghost of a smile lit up his joyous face as he clapped. He was covered in dark burgundy robes that fell to the floor as his pearly white teeth glistened from the very little light in the room. They were covered in venom.
"Ah, it's a pleasure to meet the son of my dear friend, Carlisle," He mused as he continued to clap. I bowed slightly as the other ruby eyes around me narrowed. I have met many, many vampires in my time, but none put me on edge such as these. There was something about their skin; so pale and chalky, that made them seem actually undead. Their bright eyes flickered hungrily as if they were savage. They were the extreme definition of vampire.
"It is truly my pleasure, you're majesty," I replied smoothly. Carlisle had once told me that it was incredibly easy to aggravate the Volturi, and once you were in their inner circle were you trusted as allies. Aro's eyes danced with amusement as he watched from the middle throne made of onyx in the center of the room. I quickly glanced around, taking in the large mob of vampires that watched curiously.
"Please, do not worry about them. They will keep their distance. Now, tell me son of Carlisle, what is it that you need the help of the Volturi for?" His thoughts were well blocked as I found myself searching for an answer. My mouth went dry of venom as I looked towards the ground. There were several murmurs, whispers, surrounding me and their thoughts were excruciatingly loud.
"I wish for you to kill me," I answered softly. A few gasps resounded off the stone walls. I was sure no one in the history of Volterra had ever willingly pledged their life. I was the first. I stood before Aro as his ruby eyes searched my topaz ones.
"Kill you? Why?" His voice was full of questioning as his thoughts sped faster than light itself. My eyes flashed towards Marcus and Caius, seated on either side of him. Marcus was leaning back, his beady eyes focused on me like a hawk. His stony features were set in tension as dark hair fell to his shoulders. Caius sat on the other side, his gray robes rustling in the slightest breeze. His powder white hair was combed back and his ruby eyes flickered between Aro and I.
"Because I have no reason to go on in this life. That's why," I snarled slowly. Aro's black eyebrows raised significantly as he took in my tone. You're not one to mess with, am I correct, Edward? I gulped as he talked to me through his thoughts. Aro stood up, his bony hands gripping his throne tightly as the rubies set in gold rings on his fingers threw off rainbows in the light. He strode carefully forwards as a small figure behind him walked in his shadow.
"Jane, please step back," He commanded the person behind him. I heard a small sigh and when I tried to look into this Jane's mind, she was inconveniently blocking me off. Aro stopped in front of me, his eyes leveled to mine. His angled features looked even more menacing when up close and his eyes darted through mine. I know you have a power, Edward, it is obvious. Our's seem to be similar. Give me your hand. I must see for myself why you wish to die. I looked at him with wariness as I raised my hand. Before I knew it, he gripped it tightly in a bone-crushing hold. It was unexpected. He looked frail before, but it was clear he was stronger than even Emmett or Felix. I was immediately brought back to the earliest human memory I ever had: When my mother taught me how to play the piano.
Put your hand like this, Edward. Your fingers must go on the white keys, not the black. Now watch, her strict voice commanded as her hand delicately took mine and guided it across the keys. I was suddenly snatched from that one and tossed threw time as I looked back on the day before I was diagnosed with the Spanish Influenza. Hit the ball, Tom! I only have 2 more minutes, I yelled to an unfamiliar face of a friend of mine. I heard the slightly chuckle from Aro as he watched my friend and I finish our game of baseball.
Then it was pain. All I could feel was this agonizing pain. It consumed me whole. The transformation. I winced in pain as the icy fire raced through my veins once again. Carlisle's soothing voice was telling me to calm down, that it would all be over soon. Then it was smooth. I rewatched my life; the murders I committed, the lives I stole. I watched as Carlisle brought home the thrashing body of Esme, screaming in pain. I watched as Rosalie and I met for the first time, her ruby eyes fresh from blood after her transformation. I watched as Emmett entered my life, the bleeding body of a man laying on Esme's cough, the rusting blood soaking through the material. I watched as Alice and Jasper, hand in hand, stood in the lobby, Alice bouncing as she showed me my new room in the garage while Jasper lingered behind, his freshly topaz eyes following my every move.
And then it slowed down.
I stiffened as I rewatched the move to Forks for the second time. How on her first day of school, I struggled to keep control. The second she walked into that cafeteria, I knew she would change everything. Her wide brown eyes flashed nervously as she hid behind the cloak of her hair. Then, it was Biology. Her smell, the loveliest smell of freesia, hit me like a ton of bricks. I almost killed her that day, and it took every piece of strength I had to not scream out in agony as I saw her again.
It had been almost nine months since I saw her so clearly. And here the whole time she was stashed away in my mind.
Port Angeles. That was next. Then, the meadow. I flinched when I rewatched our first kiss. It all went bumpy until her birthday. James. Phoenix. Everything built up until it all snapped in September. I knew what came soon; the goodbyes.
The memory of her eyes, full of tears, flashed behind my eyelids as she begged for me to stay. I yelled out. I deserved to watch this. To remember what I had taken from this world. She was now dead, gone, like so many other things. It was the worst type of punishment I could ever have.
You don't want me?
The words in my mind cut me like a knife. So much pain and hurt was contained in those 5 words. And then my mind was black. The rest of my life until now was full of darkness. When Aro finally learned why I wanted to die, simply because she had, too, he dropped my hand. I painfully opened my eyes and I glanced around. I was on the floor.
"I've never seen anything like it," Caius whispered as his snow white eyebrows crumpled. I looked up towards Aro, who stood above me, his burgundy eyes full of awe.
"You fell, as soon as Bella came into the memories, you crumpled in pain. Here," His raspy voice contained unmasked authority as he outstretched his hand. I flinched when he spoke her name. He had no right to speak it, to talk of it. I grasped onto his hand as he helped me up. "Unbelievable. Just astonishing," He whispered as he watched me. I felt weak under his firm gaze.
"So now you see why I want to die?" I asked him as he continued to obliviously stare at me. I shrunk back as his eyes stayed locked on my face.
"Yes. But that does not mean you will get what you wish. Felix," He turned towards the dark figure in the corner," take Edward to one of our guest rooms." He turned back towards me, his eyes still holding a tinge of wonder. He looked at me like I was some experiment in a lab. Something new and foreign. "Edward, we will call you back when we have made our decision."
It had been 13 hours 27 minutes and 49 seconds since he told me that. After he said those words, Felix smiled menacingly as he shoved the doors open and lead me up numerous stairs and through endless hallways until we reached an oak door. He reached into his robes and pulled out a golden key before unlocking the door.
"This will be your room until your stay is done," He simply said as I stepped inside. And then he closed the door.
So, here I lay, on this useless bed in the middle of the room with its red silk comforter and its golden design. Somewhere after I came in here, somewhere between 2 hours and 5, did I notice what had just really happened. She was dead, and she was never, ever coming back.
The rest of that time I was completely out of it. My whole frame shook with dry sobs as I pictured her face, so sweet and innocent. Why did I have to go? Why did she have to be so foolish as to kill herself? During a brief moment of anger, I smashed the antique vase on the counter. Now all I did was roll the jagged pieces of it around in my hands as I cried tearless tears.
It was all over.
Before she threw herself off that damn cliff, I knew I could always come back. I wanted to, but I knew if I was doing what was best for her, I shouldn't. But now, now, Forks held nothing for me. Only gray memories of the days that once brought me happiness and love, only to be swallowed by death and guilt. I had no clue how I could possibly go on. She wasn't in this world, and now I desperately hoped I wouldn't be soon. I couldn't stand the thought of my angel somewhere else besides this earth.
I was brought from my reverie as someone knocked on my door. The noise echoed around and my head whipped up.
"Yes?" I croaked as I stood from the bed.
"They will see you now," An unfamiliar voice called out. I walked towards the door, not caring about my appearance what so ever, and yanked it open. In front of me stood two men, one was Felix and one was someone I had never seen before.
"Edward, this is Demetri. He is also in the guard. Now come, they want to see you right away," Felix grumbled as Demetri grinned from beside the door. I nodded and followed behind after closing the door. I tuned into Felix and Demetri's thoughts, hoping they'd let me know of what was to come.
But their thoughts centered around one thing: Blood.
I swallowed nervously as they led me back to the main room where Aro and the rest of them awaited my arrival. A pang of homesickness rang through my chest. I was not only a monster for doing what I did to her, but I was a monster for letting myself die without ever saying a word of goodbye to anyone.
It would just about kill Esme.
"Ah, Edward, welcome back," Aro glumly said. I nodded in response as Felix led me to the middle of the room where I stood in front of the three leaders of the Volturi. "You see, this was a difficult decision to make. We have never had a vampire ask us for death, let alone fall in love with a human girl. So very rare, indeed," Aro murmured. A twisting feeling rose in my gut as I waited for the final answer. "Marcus could see that your bond to this girl, Bella, is strong. But, really, is she so important? I don't see why you need to die just because she has," Aro stressed as a low chuckle escaped his lips.
"I refuse to live without her," I growled. How dare he make decisions for me. I couldn't imagine a life without my Bella, my angel, and who was he to sit there and say it was possible. Aro gazed at me with humor in his eyes.
"Well, that's too bad. For we refuse to kill you."
Here I stand, on the brink of extinction. I told them I refused to live without her and they should have listened. The sun shines brightly above as I stand in the dark shadows that line the city. Ironic that today of all days is St. Marcus Day.
I smile bitterly; at least it has worked to my advantage.
If I listen closely, if I just tune out the rest of the world, I can hear the slightest scream. It sounds just like her, but I know better then to think it is. My eyes close as I unbutton my shirt; the more skin I can expose to shine, the better. Complaints of a dripping wet girl racing through the water fountain reach my ears and I chuckle. It looks like I won't be the only one the Volturi has to deal with today.
I sigh in relief. The sun has just reached the highest. It's over. It's really finally over. I find myself reveling in the feeling of death, to know that I will escape all this pain somehow and at least find a way to not suffer. I just can't live without her, I really can't.
And as I move my foot to step into the sunlight, the most unexpected thing happens.
Someone collides into my side.
Run where you'll be safe
Through the garden gates
To the shelter of magnolias
There's not much time
The blush in the sky begins to fade
You are weathered and worn
Your petals soft and torn
The fading color