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Nightmare Angel

Summary:
Edward looks through Bella's window. He has been gone for six months, two weeks, a day, and five hours. He knows every minute because it hurts so much. All he wanted to do was see her one more time. What happens when he learns what he has done to the only one he will ever love? Image Hosted by ImageShack.us banner that actually shows up made by the FANtastic iris!


Notes:
This will switch between Edward's thoughts and Bella's. Disclaimer: I own nothing.


5. Weakling

Rating 4.5/5   Word Count 815   Review this Chapter

I used to think I was strong. Not physically, though I am, but mentally. All my siblings, even Carlisle, my father, the most controlled man I know, needed things. Needed each other. Carlisle needs Esme, Rosalie needs Emmett, Alice and Jasper need each other. I didn’t need anyone. Even my physical need for blood I can control. I am so rarely tempted.

And then Bella changed all that.

I was physically seventeen when I met her, but I was a man. I thought with my head. She turned me back into an adolescent, a mere child. I couldn’t do what was right. My heart needed her, and it was in control.

I used to think I was strong, before I met Bella. She changed me into a needy, weak boy, and I was so glad.

Because I love her.

I cannot live without her. That is the simple truth. What is right does not matter. What matters is her, and I need her.

Her presence, her beauty, her happiness, her life, her precious love.

Which I threw away.

A thousand times a fool! She loved me! I had the most precious thing in all the world, and I told her I did not want it! I broke that beautiful, delicate heart, laid so trustingly in my callous, monstrous hands.

I never deserved that love, and I know I deserve it even less now, having once abandoned its giver.

But I need it, and I cannot help that. I cannot live without Bella.

I need. I need.

I wonder if she can still love me. She said she did, but that was in a dream. Maybe she has changed her mind in the painful month since, the thirty worst days of my life.

Or maybe she was dreaming a memory. I am not all that familiar with the workings of unconsciousness. Perhaps that was but a dream of our past love. The first days must have hurt her, the first days I was without her. I did see her in pain when I left, though she tried to hide it.

Maybe she doesn’t love me anymore.

Maybe that sweet love has changed to the hate I so richly deserve.

But I cannot live without trying. I cannot simply wait and wait and let my heart break. I cannot live without her.

I will go back.

My thirty days are up. I told myself this was acceptable. I am returning.

And even though I am almost certain she will not forgive me, though I suspect my Bella is no longer mine (and whose fault is that?) I must go.

Love goes toward love as schoolboys from their books

But love from love toward school with heavy looks.

Romeo, I know what you mean. You are a fool, but not a monster, so blessed. But you are almost as weak as me. You cannot stay away. Even though I know this is wrong, I cannot stop myself.

I am rejoicing, despite the heavy guilt.

I pick up my phone, knowing my siblings will be ridiculously pleased at my failure.

The phone rings once, and I hear my father’s voice.

“Edward, are you all right?”

“Do you really expect me to be?”

“Alice just had a vision. You know my opinion.”

“Yes.” I am terse. He wants me to change her, and I will never do that.

“Edward, I know how hard this is for you.”

“No you don’t.” It is childish, but I want him to understand that I am totally alone in my pain.

“Yes I do. I’m not going to bicker with my own son, so I’m just going to tell you. I know we don’t talk about this, but I suffered when you left, both all those years ago and now. You may not think it can compare, but it does. Edward, go back. Please.”

“I must.”

“This isn’t weakness. Love isn’t weakness. It’s strength. Call us again soon.”

“I’ll call if it goes well.”

And if she can’t forgive me?

I don’t think I can live without her.

“If it doesn’t go well… Alice says it will, but if something changes, come here. Don’t go to Italy. We want to see you at least once more.”

I hear two voices in the background.

Alice calls “Are you implying that I could be wrong?”

And Emmett screams “Damn it, Carlisle, I am not going to help my little brother kill himself!”

“I can’t live without her,” I whisper, and click the phone closed. Never have truer words been spoken. As much as I might despise myself for it, I need her.

Weakling.