Edward looks through Bella's window. He has been gone for six months, two weeks, a day, and five hours. He knows every minute because it hurts so much. All he wanted to do was see her one more time. What happens when he learns what he has done to the only one he will ever love? banner that actually shows up made by the FANtastic iris!
This will switch between Edward's thoughts and Bella's. Disclaimer: I own nothing.
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Her unconscious form is soft in my arms, totally prone. The most precious thing in the world is in my arms now. Bella.
Oh, I love her. So much! My heart throbs. It is overflowing. For a moment, I am whole.
Why did I ever leave? How could I have thought I had the strength? How could it be wrong to love her if it feels so right?
It is even worse than when she screamed in her sleep, to have her in my arms, her body smaller than ever, her eyes circled with great purple rings. She looks like me, only warm and soft and precious.
My angel, my only love.
What have I done?
Why won’t she wake up?
My life will end if I cannot have her. I can’t go on without her love. I need Bella, need every part of her, need to be a part of her, and if she is smart, if she refuses to let a monster like me back into her life, I will end myself.
Emmett won’t help, but Carlisle might. Maybe Jasper, too. And Rose. She’d agree that life isn’t worth living without love. But the three of them wouldn’t be enough to finish me off and restrain Alice, Esme, and Emmett. Besides, it’s unfair to expect my family to suffer because of my stupidity, my cruelty.
I can’t tell Bella of my plans, not even to try to get back in her life. If only she would permit me to see her, to be her friend or even just her classmate! I don’t expect her love again. That is something I could never even ask for.
But I can’t tell her, because then she’ll let me stay. And that’s wrong!
But I have to do anything, absolutely anything, I can, because I need her so deeply.
But I need her to be happy!
I can make her happy.
But I need to protect her!
That I cannot guarantee.
But I need her! I cannot live without her!
Then don’t, you fool. Don’t.
Go to Carlisle like the weak child you are, tell the man who saved you and loved you and is the best of everything you are, go tell him that you need to die.
Explain to Esme, your mother, who adores you, who has already lost a child and suffered so much, and tell her that you want to do what she attempted all those years ago.
Inform Emmett that the jokes and companionship are over, that the love between brothers is nothing compared to what you’ve lost.
Let Jasper know that you’re sorry, but you can’t stay to stop him from accidentally killing others any more because you’re off to go kill yourself.
Tell Alice that whatever vision she’s had is true, that you really are going to end your life, that you really don’t want to be talked out of it.
Convince Rosalie that you really did love Bella, that you can’t just get over it, that this is a love that, on your part, can only end with death.
The same thing, really. Having to break it to the people who you’ve loved and supported, who’ve forgiven you and taught you, your family in every way that counts, that them giving everything they had to you for all these years wasn’t enough, that you’re just going to throw it away.
I can’t live without her.
But I can’t expect her to take me back.
I’m not even sure I want her to, even knowing the agony that awaits for my family and myself. And so I’m caught. Caught between what I want and what I should want, what I need so desperately and what is right.
Death is the only way out, yet even suicide isn’t painless. I am stuck in this trap, like the beast I am.
Once, she called me an angel, but I broke her heart.
Now, as I hold the real angel in my arms, waiting for her verdict, I am not even a monster. I am trapped between two evils, and there is no way out. I know what I am.
Simple, selfish, consumed by thirst and desire.
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