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Nightmare Angel

Summary:
Edward looks through Bella's window. He has been gone for six months, two weeks, a day, and five hours. He knows every minute because it hurts so much. All he wanted to do was see her one more time. What happens when he learns what he has done to the only one he will ever love? Image Hosted by ImageShack.us banner that actually shows up made by the FANtastic iris!


Notes:
This will switch between Edward's thoughts and Bella's. Disclaimer: I own nothing.


9. Imbecile

Rating 5/5   Word Count 1288   Review this Chapter

The warmth leaves her eyes suddenly. They are glazed, cold.

What have I done?

We stand so far apart, so stiffly. I will never again be close to her. I will never see the fire of her soul gleam behind her eyes and know that it burns for me.

“It would be best if I left now?”

I add the slightest questioning tone to my voice, though I know she would never want my curst company.

“NO!”

She seems embarrassed at the outburst, and her next words are quieter. The same manic desperation is there, just hidden better.

“Please. Just a little while longer?”

“As long as you want me here. I don’t mind.”

“I’ll always want you. Forever.”

They are familiar words, and they ring softly in my hollow heart. Could it be that my angel is still mine?

“Then I shall remain here. Forever.”

She has lifted the knife and returned to chopping the revolting human sustenance, breaking the awkward tension between us, but at my words she whirls and points the knife at me.

“Don’t you dare lie to me again, Edward. Don’t. I don’t expect forever. I know you don’t want me. Just don’t lie to me any more. I won’t survive it.”

I feel as though I have been punched in the gut, as though the fire of Carlisle’s venom is racing through my veins once again, leaving a painful icy numbness in its wake.

“All this time, you believed me? You actually thought I didn’t want you?”

“Didn’t love me, yes. Never loved me. Why are you here?”

“Because I could not go on. I’d taken as much as I could, Bella. I can not go on without you.”

“Don’t lie to me!” she screams, beautiful in her fury.

“I am not lying. Bella, I always have loved you, and I always will. I don’t expect you to ever forgive me, to return what I so cruelly and thoughtlessly discarded, but I had to try, Bella. Please. Please, I love you. Please, I need you. Please, forgive me. Let me be your friend, at least. Please, please, please.”

“Don’t lie to me,” she whispers this time, eyes squeezing shut.

I fall to my knees in front of her. “Bella, I am not lying. I am telling the world’s greatest truth. I have and will always love you, Isabella. I want nothing more than to spend forever with you.”

I realize something in that instant. Maybe I can prove something to her. It is the most selfish act I could possibly commit, but I have to try. “Bella, if you’ll only believe me--- I love you forever. Will you allow me to prove it to you? May I change you?”

The knife clatters to the floor. “This is cruel. I never would have suspected it of you. It was bad enough in the dream, torturing me, breaking what was left of my heart. Now it’s just sick. I thought there was nothing else you could take from me.”

“What did I take?” I thought I had tried to give her a life. It had failed, and now I was trying to steal something from her, but I didn’t remember taking something from her.

“Well, first off, you took my pictures. And my lullaby. Might have hurt a tiny bit less if I at least had a memory. You never asked me if I wanted a clean break! I don’t expect you to stay, but I will never forget you! Second, you took my heart. Do you know what I’ve been throu…” The anger made her shake, but she clamped a hand over her irate mouth. Like she was keeping something from me.

“Bella, I never took your things.”

“Like hell you didn’t!”

“They’re right under your floorboards.”

Suddenly, she burst into tears.

“Edward, why?”

“Excuse me?”

“Why do you hate me so much?”

What a bewildering question. “Hate you?”

“Why do you keep hurting me? Edward, stop. Please. You can kill me, if that would make you happy. I’ll give you my blood. Kill two birds with one stone. It’s the only thing I could possibly offer you, and then I won’t have to suffer anymore. I was going to try to keep the pain from you, try to trick you into thinking I was all right, but since I’m going to die anyway…”

My breath fell away. “What are you saying? Bella, I swear! I know I am a lying monster, but I swear I will never hurt you! I swear I never meant to! I love you! I could never, never kill you. And what do you mean you’re dying?”

“I meant to keep that from you too. I’m going to kill myself when you leave me, so you might as well get some benefit out of it. I can’t take it anymore.”

“Take what?” Perhaps the agony and terror were dulling my mind, but I could not comprehend my angel’s words.

“The pain. I can’t go on like this. It hurts too much. I’ve spent my will, trying to live for Charlie. I hope he won’t hate me. Edward, I can’t do this any more. Stop lying to me. Say whatever you came to say, and get the hell out of my life. Or death. Why don’t you just finish me off? You already took everything worth living for.”

“What was that?”

“You.”

What have I done! What have I done! Bella, Bella my angel! She was not supposed to suffer, not at all! She was supposed to move on, and here I have broken her, shattered her! My love is hurt. She does not trust me, thinks I hate her. What have I done!

“Bella, please believe me. Please. I love you. I love you so much. I’m so, so sorry, Bella. I left because I wanted you to have a chance at a normal life. I wanted you to be happy. I never, never wanted you to suffer. I am cruel and foolish and a monster. You’re right. I don’t deserve to beg for your forgiveness, but I must. I swore to myself I wouldn’t tell you this… Bella, if you hate me, if you want me gone, I will go. To Italy.”

The guilt is swelling, consuming me. I have hurt her. I am unforgivable. Death will be a relief.

“No! Why would you do that over someone as utterly insignificant as me?”

“Insignificant! You are the most precious thing in the world. Bella, I don’t know what I can do to regain your trust. I know I don’t deserve it. But I can’t live without you. Bella, I’m still in love with you. Madly, insanely in love. I lied to protect you, to try and keep my world from hurting you any more. I can’t go on without you, though. I feel awful, absolutely awful. I shouldn’t have left. I shouldn’t have come back. But I have no choice. I’m not strong enough to fight anymore. I need you to love me. Bella, please. Please forgive me. Let me be your friend, at least? Is there any way I could ever regain your love?”

Of course not. I threw it away! How could I expect forgiveness?

How can I ever earn back what I have given up?

Stupid doesn’t even begin to cover me.

How could I cast this beautiful, wonderful girl aside?

Imbecile.