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Rosalie vs. Lauren: The Epic Battle of the Blondes

http://i129.photobucket.com/albums/p220/GinnyGirl333/BannerForNess-1.jpg From the moment they first laid eyes on each other, it was war. Both proud, both pretty, and both demanding dominance in the same tiny high school, it was inevitable that they would eventually clash. The thing is, no one expected it to be so vicious.Please Read and Review!!! :D

Alrighty guys, this is my first multi-chaptered fan-fiction story ever submitted under the heading 'Twilight.' I hope you guys like it! It is shallow and ditzy and stupid-seeming, but hey, that's comedy right? lol, read and review por favor!

3. Yes, I Did Just Spill Punch On Your Dress. Is There a Problem With That?

Rating 5/5   Word Count 4703   Review this Chapter

Yes, I Did Just Spill Punch On Your Dress. Is There a Problem With that?

Lauren Mallory:

I looked up at him through my lashes, trying to sound both sweet and innocent, "What about Alice ?"

Jasper's golden eyes smoldered as he gazed at me intently, his hand lightly brushing my hair away from my face, "It doesn't matter. She doesn't matter. I only love you, Lauren."

I giggled softly, looked down and lightly intertwining my fingers with his, "I always hoped you felt that way about me, Jasper."

"I always have," he leaned closer, sexy blonde strands falling into his eyes, "ever since I first saw you, I knew. You're the one."

I looked up, and leaned closer, "You're so sexy."

"You are too," he murmured, "far sexier than Rosalie . . ."

I smiled, and then closed my eyes and leaned in. Our lips brushed, lightly, romantically, and then it became more passionate. He was an amazing kisser, as his hand lightly held the back of my neck, and his mouth moved in firm, sexy movements.

I leaned even closer forward, pushing him backwards until he was laying down on the table. Hungrily I straddled him, his hands moving down to hold my waist . . .


The bell rang, jostling me from my fantasies. Shaking my head, I found myself in my history class instead of Jasper's embrace.

How disappointing.

I pulled all my stuff together in my hot pink tote bag, and then flounced out of the room. Ahead of me, Edward Cullen walked with his hands in his pockets. He was smaller than usual, as though he was feeling ill or tired.

Oh well, so not my problem. I didn't even like him. He was too young and undeveloped for me, not like Jasper . . .

"Hey, Lauren!" a voice called out from behind. I recognized the tone. Whiny, dramatic, too high-pitched for average conversation.

Jessica alert.

I pretended I couldn't hear her, and tried to move faster. Stupid Edward Cullen was in the way though, and no matter how many angry sounds I made, he refused to pick up his pace.

"Lauren!" Jessica panted, having finally caught up to me. I shot her a fake smile.

"Omigod, you will not guess what's happening," she gushed, "like, it is so incredible!"

"A sale at Walmart?" I guessed sarcastically.

"No," Jessica giggled, "better."

I frowned at Edward Cullen's stupid, slow back, and refused to say anything more to Jessica. She seemed to realize this, and quickly got to the point.

"Like, the hospital is doing a charity event for all the motorcycle accidents. And, supposedly, Dr. Cullen is going to be like, a huge donor. Anyways, it's a huge event, and everybody will be there. Like, super fancy. My mom told me, she said that it was her idea and Dr. Cullen thought it was smart because this town deserves an occasion to dress up. Anyways, isn't that so amazing? A formal event! And Jasper and Edward will be there!"

I perked up, "Jasper will be there?"

"Duh!" Jessica laughed, "Dr. Cullen's his foster Dad, remember? Of course he'll be there. And so will Edward!"

She had obviously failed to notice that Edward was right in front of her and had probably heard every word she had stupidly said. The boy tensed, and was suddenly walking much quicker than before. I rolled my eyes.

Then, I forgot about Edward Cullen. Because I realized that if Jasper was at this event, then undoubtedly his twin sister, the bane of my existence, bitch-Rosalie would be there too. Ugg. She would make a terrible sister-in-law when I married Jasper.

"I think I'm going to wear purple," Jessica babbled, "it looks good with my eyes. Or maybe green. I don't know, but I am so excited! We like, have to go shopping, okay?"

"Uh, sure," I said, "pick me up at four. We'll go to Olympia."

"Kay!" Jessica positively bounced with excitement. I pretended aliens had abducted her, and hurried to disappear into the crowd before she noticed.


Shopping with Jessica was, predictably, annoying and tacky. She only liked things that were cheap, dumb, or so eighth grade. I finally ditched her and wandered into the women's section, where I belonged. She could stay with Dora the Explorer for all I cared.

I was on a mission. I needed to find something sexy, revealing, and not too expensive - something that would make Jasper realize that I was the one for him, and that would make Rosalie turn green with jealousy. I needed to be hot.

But so far, all I was finding was not.

I groaned and pushed deeper into the store, slightly stumbling occasionally in my five-inch pumps. Beauty came at the price of no balance whatsoever.

Finally I found something halfway decent - a short, hot pink wrap dress made out of some silky material. I grabbed it, along with four other dresses that I didn't even look at.

The pink dress made me look fat (a difficult feat, considering I was thin and gorgeous), and the other three weren't my size. However, the fifth dress I had chosen was perfect!

It was shiny, gold, and a halter. The material clung to me, revealing the cleavage I had. With the right pair of stilettos, and non-hooker like make up, I could totally make this work!

Jessica bombarded me when I stepped out of the dressing room, "Oh my god, Lor, that looks fabulous! Do you like my dress? Or is it too, like, yellow? I like it. It makes me look tan! But I need good shoes. Can we go shoe shopping? Please?"

I sighed. Jessica's bright yellow . . . thing made her look washed out and nauseous. No pair of shoes could possibly make that better.

But, I was never one to turn down shoe shopping. I strutted towards the shoe sections, found a pair of gold stilettos, and left Big Bird to giggle to herself while trying on yellow rain boots.


Jessica, as much as I hated her, was right about one thing. This formal charity ball thing was huge. The entire town was buzzing. Everybody was going to show up at the hospital dressed as if they were going to the knock-off Oscars, and give money to the hospital's fund for motorcycle and car accident victims.

I couldn't care less about the charity part of it - who honestly cared about the idiots that got into car crashes? I was just looking forward to seducing Jasper. I had promised myself - this would be the night. I would corner him, and coyly get him to admit that he was in love with me too. Because I knew he was.

I would catch him staring at me, his eyes narrowed, as though he was trying to see through me. It would make me shiver with delight. He really understood and appreciated my gorgeous self.

The only thing in the way was that Alice Cullen, who appeared to be a possessive, psycho girlfriend. Jasper would probably be glad to be rid of her. Besides, even if she was prettier than me, she had the body of a boy. What guy wanted that?

"Lauren!" my mother called from downstairs, "honey, its time to leave!"

"Coming," I called back, and then checked myself out in the mirror one more time.

Yeah, I was definitely hotter than bitch-Rosalie Hale. My gold minidress made my boobs and ass look bigger, and my waist appear smaller. My hair was teased half up, and my make up was minimal, except for the bright red lipstick. My legs looked so long and hot in my stilettos.

Winking at myself, I turned and walked out of my bedroom.

My parents complimented me, but I ignored them. I only cared what Jasper thought. And if my outfit made all the other stupid girls from school (Rosalie) jealous.

The hospital's wide, usually cluttered lobby had been emptied of all the stupid desks and shelves. People meandered in the bright, warm light, chatting and laughing. A dance floor had been created in the center, where Dr. Cullen and his ridiculously beautiful wife were swaying to classical music. I shot a glare at her - how dare she be prettier than me? The nerve!

I ditched my parents, and moved to where Jessica, Tyler, and Mike were standing. Jessica looked like a greasy banana, in her yellow disaster of a dress. Tyler and Mike had tried to be formal, but just looked sloppy. I sighed.

"Hey Lauren, you look fabulous!" Jessica screeched, throwing her arms around me, "like, oh my god, gold is totally your color!"

I hugged her back, and fake-giggled, "Yeah, you look interesting too."

Interesting was probably the most polite way to refer to Jessica's hideous ensemble.

Tyler smiled, "I like your dress."

Mike stared at my boobs, "Me too."

I twirled for them, "Hot, right?"

They nodded, but I was almost positive they weren't referring to the dress.

"So like, have you ever seen Mrs. Cullen before?" Jessica gushed, "she's so gorgeous. Prettier than like, Alice. I've never seen her before, but since she's dancing with Dr. Cullen, that must be her. Besides, she matches him. Just, oh my god, I can't believe I've never seen her before!"

I looked again at Mrs. Cullen, who was in the arms of Dr. Cullen. Jessica was right. She was pretty. She was thin and was wearing a long, champagne-colored silk dress. Her carmel-y hair was swept up in an elegant twist, with curls escaping and framing her face. She looked so happy, dancing with Dr. Cullen, who was the sexiest blonde doctor ever.

I groaned. God I hated that family, except for Jasper. I mean, what gave them the right to be so stuck up and rich and sexier than me?

"Ooh! There's Edward!" Jessica squealed, pointing at the entrance, "I'm going to go talk with him! Maybe he'll ask me to dance!"

I snapped my head up, and looked just in time to see Jasper enter with Alice and Rosalie on either side of him.

And damn did he look good!

He was wearing a black tuxedo, his blonde hair brushed back. He looked bored and haughty, which was just so hot. The only thing that retracted from his perfect godliness was Alice, who was holding his hand and laughing.

Ugg, I hated her! Not only did she have my man, but she was wearing a high-fashion black, corset-like dress that just screamed Parishaute couture. It had a full skirt, and she was wearing little lace black gloves that went only to her wrists. She had the expensive, stylish dress, while I was wearing a half-off dress from a cheap, pathetic department store.

"Wow, look at Rosalie," Mike breathed, "hot damn."

I smacked him, "Shut up, Mike! She hates you, remember? She said you were pathetic at Halloween."

He just stared at her goofily.

I groaned and turned to glare at Miss-I'm-so-hot. Unfortunately, that did little to improve my mood. Stupid Rosalie Hale was wearing a floor length, skin-tight emerald dress. Her hair was straightened, and it was longer than mine! She was holding hands with the big Cullen, Emmett. Who was the most muscled, brawny piece of hotness ever.

But, Jasper was still sexier.

I looked at him again, and sighed as I imagined running my hands through his blonde hair while kissing him. I decided that someday, no matter what, I would make out with Jasper Hale. And it would be hot.

Suddenly, Alice Cullen turned to glare at me. With her eyes narrowed, she looked . . . scary. I shivered, and quickly turned away.

A flash of nauseating yellow caught my attention. I watched as Jessica tried to flirt with Edward Cullen. She was smiling, chattering away, but as Edward spoke her cheerfulness slowly slipped away. Then she covered her face with her hands and ran away from him.

Wow, drama.

"Jess!" I shouted. She looked up tearfully, saw me, and hurried over. Her face was a mess of tears and snot and runny mascara.

"Laur - Lauren," she blubbered, "I'm so - so embarrassed!"

"Oh, what happened?" I pretended to by sympathetic. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Tyler and Mike run away. Any sign of female emotion and they ditched. Idiots.

"He - he said I," she blew her nose in a napkin, "he said I was ah - annoying, and that I - I wasn't in my - in my right mind. And he said he didn't date."

"Aw, Jess, I'm sorry," I rubbed her arm, avoiding the snotty napkin, "he's probably gay, don't worry about it."

She cried and babbled some more, but I tuned her out and tried to see where the Cullen kids were. I found them in a corner. Alice, Emmett, and Rosalie were laughing at something hysterically, Jasper was grinning, ( I almost fainted, he was so hot,) and Edward was . . . glaring at me.

I froze. What did I do? I wasn't the one that asked him out.

"Lauren," Jessica sobbed, "he was so mean! He - he doesn't like me! Why not? I'm - I'm pretty, right?"

I shrugged, "I guess." Not, I added mentally.

"Then why doesn't he like me?" Jessica cried.

I shrugged again, "Go to the bathroom, clean yourself up. Maybe if you look nice he'll like you."

"You think?" she gasped, and then turned and ran towards the bathroom. I rolled my eyes.

Then, one of the ER surgeons spoke into a microphone, "Um, excuse me, ladies and gentleman?"

Everyone fell quiet, and turned to look at the old, gray-haired man. I wrinkled my nose. He was ugly.

"I want to thank you all for coming here tonight," the surgeon continued, "many lives will be saved because of your generosity. Already we've raised enough to cover the medical expenses for three patients!"

People clapped politely. I yawned. Boring.

"I would also like to thank Dr. Carlisle Cullen and his lovely wife Esme for funding this Charity Ball. Without their help, none of this would be possible."

More applause. I sneered as Mrs. Cullen, or Esme, smiled graciously. God, how old was she? Twenty? And the doctor hardly looked older than Jasper. Gross.

"Finally, some of the women of our community came up with a wonderful idea. Because everyone in Forks is dressed up in their finest, we thought we'd have a bit of a fashion contest. Our judges will be taking notes throughout the evening, and at the end of the night the most stylish woman and man will be announced.

"Please, enjoy the refreshments set out on the tables," the surgeon smiled and gestured at the chocolate fountain, "the dance floor is open. Enjoy your evening, and feel free to talk to any of the hospital staff about this fundraiser. Again, thank you!"

This time, the applause was much louder and everyone seemed excited. I smirked. This fashion contest was mine, no doubt about it. I was thin, blonde, hot, and wearing a gold mini dress. Nobody could possibly beat me.

I craned my neck to try and find the judges. I needed to make sure they had seen my undeniable gorgeousness before they could see stupid Rosalie's boobs.

Before I could find the judges though, my eyes landed on a drool-worthy piece of blonde man meat standing, by himself, in the corner.


Jasper was waiting for me. Here was finally the opportunity I had been waiting for.

I took a deep breath for courage, sucked in my stomach, pushed out my chest, and strutted across the room. I tried to look like a runway model, with one hand on my hip and my eyes staring at nothing in particular. I probably looked fabulous.

He was leaning again the wall, his hair in his eyes, his arms shoved in his pockets. He didn't seem to notice me coming. I smiled. He was so mine.

"Hey, Jasper," I said confidently, stopping in front of him and jutting my hip out.

He looked up at me, and I almost fainted. His eyes were gold! We matched!

"Hi," he said. He looked both confused and wary. How cute! He was shy around girls - hot girls, at least!

I tossed my hair, "So, are you having fun?"

Ugg, what a lame thing to say. But my creative battery had died the second he looked at me with his scorching golden eyes.

"Sure," he shrugged, looking past me.

Why wasn't he asking me out already? God!

"I love to dance," I giggled, dropping the most obvious hint ever, "but nobody will ask me."

"Hmm," he said, not paying attention. It was like he was looking past me, trying to find somebody.

I frowned, "Do you dance?"

Jasper shrugged.

Okay, this was ridiculous. I was hot, and doing everything I could to get him to ask me to dance, and he wasn't making it easy! God! Why couldn't he just take what I was so obviously giving him?

"I like your tux," I offered.

He glanced at me, "Thanks."

That was it? No compliment for me? Why wasn't he drooling?!

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I gathered up all my courage, and then blurted, "Do you want to dance with me?"

Oh. My. God.

I did not just do that! Lauren Mallory doesn't ask boys out ever! She makes them come to her! What was I thinking?

He looked at me, full on, with wide, disbelieving eyes. His mouth had opened slightly, and he looked positively shocked

Hmmm, maybe it wasn't such a bad thing that I had asked him to dance. He was obviously shy. His utter surprise proved it - he was thrilled I had asked him.

I smiled sweetly at him.

And then, the second abomination of my existence skipped over.

"Oh, hi Alice," I tried to swallow.

She flashed me a smile - it nearly blinded me - and easily held Jasper's hand. Jasper coughed slightly.

Thank god Alice hadn't heard me ask Jasper out. She was still acting nice to me, which meant she hadn't heard, and therefore wasn't jealous or pissed. Hallelujah.

"What's going on?" Alice giggled to Jasper, "you're acting like somebody just bit you."

Oh, thanks Alice. Jasper was acting like I bit him. Not like the love of his life had just asked him to dance. I mean, seriously, I asked him out! And then she came and interrupted me! He so would have said yes if she hadn't of skipped over because of her psycho abusive girlfriend paranoia. God..

"Its fine," he murmured, "would you like to dance?"

I smiled sweetly, ecstatically, and opened my mouth to say yes. But Alice beat me to it. "Of course," she took his arm.


Jasper carefully led Alice towards the dance floor, not looking at me. Obviously he was embarrassed for her. I mean, she had totally just humiliated herself by responding when he didn't even ask her - he had asked me. I huffed, crossed my arms, and watched as they danced gracefully across the floor. He would come back for me. I knew it.

I mean, god, I was so much hotter than Alice. She had a prettier face, and nicer clothes, but I had the boobs. And for guys, that's all that matters.

Look at that stupid Emmett for example. He was only with her for her body. Rosalie was nothing but a stupid bitch. He couldn't actually like her, she probably just turned him on.

Ugg, this night just sucked! Jasper was with Alice, my supposed best friend was dressed like a banana, and bitchy Rosalie's hair was longer than mine. Ugg, ugg, ugg!

"I didn't know ‘ugly and tacky' was the newest style."

I stiffened, and slowly turned. Directly beside me, a smirk twisting her luscious red lips, was the devil. Rosalie.

"I didn't know ‘slut' was the current fad either," I snapped back.

She smiled, "You're the one following it."

"I was talking about you, you stupid skank!"

Rosalie shook her head slowly, as though embarrassed for me, "Darling, you have to come up with something better than that. You're losing your touch. Did something . . . bad happen?"

"No!" I rolled my eyes, "and I am so not losing my touch. Your make up looks like you applied it with a toilet brush, and your hair's fake. I know extensions when I see them."

"Extensions?" she raised an eyebrow and carefully combed through one shining golden strand, "no, this is natural. Unlike your cheap dress's material. That thing is so cheap it'll probably give you a rash."

"It's hotter than yours!" I growled.

She giggled, like I had said something funny, and looked out at the dance floor. Jasper was still dancing with stupid Alice.

"You know," she said conversationally, "Jasper looks very happy with Alice."

What? No, she wasn't! She could not go there! Besides, she didn't know!

And besides, he didn't look happy at all. He looked miserable. Undoubtedly, he was wishing I was in his arms instead of Alice.

"I think he really loves her," Rosalie continued, "anyways, she's much better than his . . . last, girlfriend."

"Oh?" I pretended to act snotty and uninterested, but I craved for her to continue. What had happened with his last girlfriend? What was she talking about?

"She was blonde, ditzy, a little bit like you," Rosalie smiled condescendingly, "but she cheated on him with a guy like, well, like your silly freshman boyfriend. He was so hurt. Anyways, he's sworn off blondes forever. He says he can't stand any blonde girls, except for me of course," she sighed happily, "after all, I am his sister."

My mouth was dry. I felt so angry, so furious at her smug, conceited head that I wanted to rip out her fake hair and shove it down her throat.

"Oh, look, there's my boyfriend," she emphasized the word, "I'll go dance with him. Have fun being by yourself Lauren! I have a fashion award to win."

And then she sauntered off.

I was so angry I couldn't speak. I stood there, fists clenched, glaring after her for a while.

Then a nurse holding a notebook walked by. She looked at me, smiled, and then wrote something down in her notebook.

Oh my god, she liked my dress! I totally could win this thing! All I had to do was make sure stupid Rosalie didn't have a chance!

The only way that I could win the award, and rub it in her stupid smug face, was if the judges either didn't see her, or if her dress had an accidental . . . slip up.

I grinned evilly. I was going to bring her down. And her stupid fake extensions too.


Twenty minutes before the official end of the Charity Ball, the judges were about to make their final rounds. I continued arguing viciously in Tyler's ear, "I swear, if you do not do this one thing Tyler Crowley, then I will hack off your unmentionables and make you eat them! You do what I tell you, and you do it now!"

He had turned white at the mention of chopping off his unmentionables. I glared at him, "Now, Tyler!"

Like a puppy that had just been kicked, he picked up his glass of punch and scurried away from me.

I leaned back with a self-satisfied smirk. Jessica and Mike stared at me.

"What?" I asked innocently.

Jessica shrugged, and then began chattering again, "So like, I totally cleaned up, and I reapplied my mascara, and Edward still hasn't looked at me. Do you think he's shy? Or that he's just too nervous because he's secretly in love with me and that's why he isn't paying attention?"

I rolled my eyes, "Please, Jessica. Don't be so pathetic as to think that the reason he's ignoring you is because he secretly likes you. God, even I'm not that stupid."

She looked hurt, but I didn't care. I was too busy watching Tyler make his way across the floor.

He paused when he was about five feet away from Rosalie, and turned to glance pleadingly at me. I narrowed my eyes, and mimed stabbing something. He gulped, and continued forward.

"What's Tyler doing?" Mike asked curiously.

"Shh," I hissed, "watch."

Tyler crept forward. Rosalie laughed at something, and turned towards him. He pretended to trip, and the red liquid in his glass gushed forward.


The juice hit her in the middle of her chest, quickly widening and staining until a huge red splotch dominated her torso. The once-green fabric clung limply to her frame, and no longer hugged her curves.

Tyler gasped, "I am so sorry! Really!"

First, she looked absolutely furious. Then, her fury slowly melted away, and was replaced by both embarrassment and shock. She snapped at him, "Go away, you idiot boy!"

He obeyed her words, and hurried back to me. She followed his progress with her eyes, not noticing Emmett and a few elderly women dabbing at the stain with seltzer water.

When her eyes met mine, they narrowed into slits so dangerous, I took a step back. She looked scary as hell.

But, to my pleasure, there was nothing she could do about it now. There were too many witnesses. And the judges were making their final notes - there was no way she'd win looking like half a melted painting.

I laughed to myself. Rosalie was officially out of the running.

After a few minutes, the old surgeon picked up the microphone, "Uh, can everyone hear me?"

I turned to look at him, smirking. Rosalie was out. I was in. Beat that you stupid big-chested life-stealer!

"Hello?" the surgeon tapped on the microphone experimentally. The resounding boom boom made everybody cringe, and shut their mouths. The idiot.

"Um, yes, we have the results for the most fashionable woman and man this evening," he smiled, "would anyone like to hear the results?"

Everybody cheered. I rolled my shoulders back, shooting Rosalie one last Ha ha, I win bitch grin. She gasped.

"Right, well, here's one of our judges with the results," the surgeon handed the microphone to a woman with over processed hair and a Target dress.

She giggled to herself, and then spoke loudly into the microphone, "Our most

fashionable girl is . . ."

I grinned, sucked my stomach in, and prepared to make my grand entrance.

"Lauren Mallory! We love her gold dress, shoes, and her positively lovely blonde hair," the woman gushed, "Lauren, come on up here!"

I blushed, pretended to look shocked and happy, and strutted towards the end of the room where the judge was. Everybody clapped, their critical eyes taking in my gorgeous body, smoking dress, and confident saunter. I was a vision. And I knew it.

I joined the woman, and smiled out at the crowd. She clapped, "Everybody, a round of applause for Lauren. She's our most fashionable woman at tonight's Charity Ball!"

Everybody cheered again. I smiled, waved, and then made eye contact with Rosalie.

I smirked, winked at her, and then continued waving to my adoring fans. From peripheral peeks, I could see that she was both gaping and furious. Utterly unattractive.

I beamed.

I, Lauren Mallory, had totally just destroyed that blonde bitch.

Beat. That.