Sometimes, I Just Go For It.
Possibilities for Breaking Dawn Bella and Edward's wedding, Bella's transformation, how Bella deals with her change, etc. CHAPTER THREE IN VALIDATION
All the chapter titles are titles of songs. The actual song may not fit into the mood of the chapter, but I choose the chapter titles from the song titles, not the song itself... if that makes any sense whatsoever.
1. The Way I Feel About You
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How could one person-one human- hold so much interest for me? What was it about her that had me so irreversibly altered? Why couldn’t I fall for someone who wouldn’t have to give so much up to be with me?
Suddenly, I heard the sweetest sound in my world. Bella was saying my name in her sleep again. I was so accustomed to her talking in her sleep, but every time she said my name, I felt a thrill. I don’t know how I’d become so fortunate as to have an angel fall in love with me. But she didn’t want to be an angel. She wanted to be like me. A monster.
My family did not see what I saw. They saw only the love between us, and the want to be together for all eternity. They could not see what she would give up. I saw children, and love, and aging in her future. I did not want her to be trapped in time as I had been. With the exception of Rosalie, my family thought I was ridiculous for my abhorrence to the idea of changing her. I did not want to take away her life; her soul.
A sigh. I looked down at Bella. She was happily dreaming. Something pleasant by the way her lips seemed to be smiling in sleep. Oh, those lips.
The first time I saw Bella was in the thoughts of the kids at school. Upon first glance she was nothing special. The more I looked at her though, the more exquisite she became. The pout of her extremely kissable lips, the soft curve of her chin, the way her eyelashes were always so full, making the depths of her vast brown eyes disappear into an abyss. The way the blood would rush to her pale face when she became embarrassed, and how she always tried to hide it from me. The scent radiating from her thick brown hair was enough to drive me mad, even without the way her blood smelled (and sang) to me.
Besides her astounding beauty, Bella made me curious. She was unpredictable. Before I had met her, loved her, I thought I had human nature figured out. With my ability to read minds, humans had become a monotonous whine of a song playing on repeat for decades. With the mystery of her private mind, Bella resisted my gift. Although at times this was frustrating, I knew she preferred I not know the intimate workings of her convoluted thoughts. Doing the unthinkable always seemed to be front and foremost in her mind. Brave as she was, I could not fathom why she wanted to spend eternity with a creature like myself. I did not deserve her and all of her perfection. She was too good for me.
Begrudgingly, I had been forced into changing her myself. It truly is not the part about spending eternity with my love that I despise. I would love to be with her forever. That’s just it though. I want it for myself. But this is not the same fate I hope for Bella to have. I want for her to live out a normal human life the way she was meant to, and would have if she had not met me.
The change was set less than a month away and was rapidly approaching. If only I could stall her for more time. I had never dreamt she would give in to my only demand so hastily: that we marry before her change. The date for the wedding was on August thirteenth. Four days away. I had no doubt that this would be the happiest day of my existence. To be married to the most beautiful and delicate rose I had ever seen would appease any ailments that had come before.
Somehow, though, she’d managed to persuade me to make love to her in exchange for marriage. This would transpire on our wedding night, while she was still human. The last human experience she wanted before being changed, she’d said. I wanted nothing but to have all of her, but I do not believe she realized the ramifications of her choice. How thorny a dilemma this deal could be. I could kill her with one wrong movement. She was convinced I loved her too much to ever actually hurt her, even unintentionally. She was gravely unaware of my lapses in self control and how easily I could be lost in the moment. But I had promised her I would try, and I could not go back on my word.
Bella’s breathing was becoming shallower. Soon she would be awake. She’d once told me how perfect I made her awakening. It’s like the dream continues when I wake up, I recalled.
“Edward.” One word, but my body went wild. The scent of her breath and her voice so saturated with love had me eager for that last human experience then. I thought of her body, and how warm it felt. The way she would be self conscious when the time came, making her blush scarlet. Her heart racing in her chest…
She could never know how much I wanted her- she would use it to her own advantage. She really had brought out the human in me- the one who had been sitting dormant within this marble stone body for centuries waiting to be awoken. The internal struggle I was facing (whether not to ravish her) was completely concealed within my mind. Not so much as a fluctuating thought could be detected.
“Good morning, love,” I said, not a beat too late, and kissed her on the forehead. She wrapped her arms around me and rested her head on my chest. Sighing contentedly, she looked up at me.
“What’s on the agenda for today?” she asked. The past few days had been hectic with all the wedding details being ironed out. We never knew what ludicrous task Alice would think of to entertain Bella and myself for the day.
Alice had suckered Bella into letting her plan our wedding. This irritated me to some extent, because I knew Bella wanted only a small informal ceremony. The exact opposite could be assumed of what Alice wanted. And what Alice wanted, Alice got.
“I’m not sure. Let’s go find out,” I said as I shifted Bella so she was upright sitting on my lap. Charlie had not yet left for the station, so Bella had to drive over. If he knew I “slept” over every night, his revulsion for me would intensify.
“Sounds good to me, so long as I am with you,” she said while snuggling closer into my lap and chest. I loved the feeling of her warmth against my stone cold skin. It would suffice me to stay like that, just her and me, forever.
“I will definitely make sure of that,” I said into her hair. She shifted and moved her arms around my neck. Looking at me to make sure it was acceptable Bella leaned in towards my face slowly. I nodded and murmured, “Please, Bella. Do try to behave.”
As my lips met hers she stayed perfectly still everywhere but her lips. I never seemed to tire of kissing Bella. Quickly though, I broke off the kiss- the longer I kissed her, the more likely she was to lose her control. I did not think I could handle that after my thoughts of her earlier.
She pouted and let go of her hold around my neck. She tried to make her eyes puppy-dog sad, but she failed dreadfully. I could see a trace of humor in them. Everyone knew what a terrible actress she was. I shook my head and she laughed. I kissed her cheek softly and hoisted her off the bed, onto her feet.
“Human moment,” she said while looking towards the door.
“Of course. I will wait here if you would like.”
“All right, I am going to go say good morning to Charlie and let him know I will be out all day, most likely, running wedding errands, and that he should not expect me home throughout the day,” she said with a tone of excitement coloring her words. Was she warming up to the idea of marriage?
From the first moment I brought it up, Bella had been skeptical. She had essentially turned down my first proposal. I now knew this did not reflect her true feelings, just her fear of what others would think. Now, though, she seemed to be interested in the ceremony and the details of it. For the first time since she said yes, she was, in reality, eager to marry me. What a great start to the day.
“He was planning on leaving once he knew you were awake.”
“I will have to go inform him then.” With that she grabbed her toiletry bag and started downstairs.
I could hear the words she spoke echoed in Charlie’s mind. He was disappointed that he had not gotten to spend much time with her in the last few days leading up to our wedding. I felt a pang of remorse. Not long after our wedding he wouldn’t even be able to see her. So much she was giving up.
I lay back on her bed. Thoughts swirled through my mind. I was attempting to write a new composition for our first dance as a wedded couple. Something slow, I soon decided. That way Bella would be able to take her time and enjoy it. I needed to write a piece that expressed our relationship- the ups, downs and everything in between. We’d had some exceedingly grueling periods in the course of our relationship, as much as I hated to admit it. Those months that I had left were the biggest mistake of my life, but they were a part of our bond- and a part of us. The melody would speed up towards the end, which represents the warped speed the past four months had gone by. A low and dark section towards the middle, to epitomize those vile months not spent together. Yes, I could hear it now. I had to save it for a time when Bella was not around- this would be a wedding present to her. As much as I did not ever want to spend a moment without her, I longed to start writing the song. Maybe she could spend some quality time with Charlie this afternoon, and I could begin then.
Abruptly, I heard the water of the shower stop. I had been so wrapped up in my thoughts of our song that the minutes had flown by. Within minutes Bella came back into her room. I strode over and picked her up so my right arm was cradling her legs and my left supporting her back. To keep up with the charade, we had to drive her truck to my house. I still don’t understand what she sees in that truck.
Once to the truck Bella gave me a meaningful look. I guess she wants to drive, I thought. Without a fight I buckled her in the driver’s seat and sat on the passenger side. After all of this time my driving still frightened her.
Bella turned onto the three mile drive that led to my home. As soon as the truck stopped moving I was at her door, opening it. We walked hand in hand to the front door where we were greeted by a keyed up Alice.
“Hey Alice, what’s going on?”
“Want to know what’s up Bella? Your wedding is going to be ruined, that’s what’s up.”