Edward Wears Prada
What if the reason that Edward broke up with Bella wasn't because he thought he was dangerous for her... what if he was gay? Chapter 5: Edward in Italy... PLEASE REVIEW!!!
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3. Oh F*ck - an alcoholiday
Rating 5/5 Word Count 2104 Review this Chapter
So there I was, in the 20th largest island in the world. I could not believe that there once were 8 million people here, but now it was down to 6 million due to a potato incident.
Oh Ireland…it was the perfect place to try this drunk thing. It was one of the most youthful cities in Europe, more than 50% of the humans living there were younger than 25. This was my first trip to Ireland and I needed to get my bearings around here.
I saw a coffee shop across the street and decided to go in.
“Can me get ye sumthin mate.” Blimey, He’s very handsome.
I’ve gotten used to women’s comments inside their heads, but something about the Irish accent makes her particularly charming. I flashed her one of my dazzling grins, as Bella would call them. “Yes, I’d like an Irish cream please.”
He could melt a pot o’ gold wi’ that smile.
I chuckled at that last thought, just simply charming. I took my Irish cream and proceeded to one of the tables in the back of the nearly empty room. I passed a couple of giggling girls sitting by the window.
“Take a look at this lass,” one of the girls whispered. “Me never seen em aroun’. Fancy to take em for a drink?”
I didn’t “fancy” going out with them, but it seems that they know of a place to go get drunk, which is the reason I came to Ireland after all, so I listened closely.
“But we never met em. You’d think he’d fancy goin’ out with a bloke o’ strangers?” Said the other girl.
“No, but we can mention it out loud, perhaps he’ll overhear us an’ go.”
Finally! I thought I was going to have to hear them ramble on and on about how to ask me out for a drink.
“The Devil invented Scotch whiskey to make the Irish poor. I say we sell our souls to the Devil tonight an’ go out for a round somewhere near St. Stephen’s Green, open invitation!” The girl said and they got up and left the café.
Mission accomplished. I pretended to take a sip of my Irish cream and said my thanks to the coffee lady.
“Cead Mile Failte.” (You’re welcome a thousand times over, wherever you come from, whosoever you be.) She responded.
The Irish have a phrase for just about everything and I felt this one fit the moment perfectly.
St. Stephen’s Green was a sea of people galabanting around in their little shamrock outfits. There was a huge banner above the streets reading “Happy St. Patrick’s Day.” How ironic that I choose to try this whole alcohol thing on the most celebrated alcoholic day in Ireland (and pretty much everywhere else) after Mardi Gras. As the Irish say “Oh he occasionally takes an alcoholiday.” I guess today is my "alcoholiday" along with the rest of the Irish population. How typical.
Once I made my way past the Irish step dancers, the hopping leprechauns, the random shamrock lunatics throwing golden coins at my head, I spotted an Irish pub called “Out on the Liffey”. That looked promising. I open the door and to my surprise there were only men!!! And they were all sooooo cute. As I heard in an expression before “Cuties with Booties” – it seemed very appropriate. I immediately ran my fingers through my hair, trying to make sure I looked my best, and that there weren’t any gold coins left in there.
An obnoxious voice boomed over the speakers, demanding everyone’s attention towards the stage. A huge man in drag, complete with a glittery green dress, and purple wig was holding the mic. “Welcome to Out on the Liffey!!!! Tonight, like every Saturday night – it's Mens Night!!!!” The crowd cheered enthusiastically, “and tonight, as a special St. Patties Day treat, we have the dreamy, the creamy, and any other delicious adjective that you can think of - Gerard Butler”. I look out to the stage area and there He was.
He was a vision in shamrocks. I sat down at the bar, my eyes still glued to his angelic face…
“An Irish youth proves his manhood by getting stuck in a pint, in a woman, and in a fish- in that order.”
The comment made by the bartender forced me to give him my attention. An Irish youth proves his manhood by getting stuck in a pint, in a woman, and in a fish. I’ll pass on the women, I thought, unless I can replace her with Mr. Butler over there…and as far as the fish goes, I don’t particularly want that sitting around in my stomach, I might start to smell after a while.
“Ol’ Irish saying. How ‘bout gettin’ ya that pint, mate?” He asks
At last my chance has come. I hope it works. “What do you recommend?”
“If yer lookin’ fur sumthin strong me recommend Bushmills - finest Irish whiskey ‘round, it’ll knock yer knickers right off.” He replied.
“I don’t think I fancy having my knickers coming off for now, how about something a bit less drastic.” I pleaded- the Irish accent was starting to stick to me.
“Well there’s always a nice col’ beer as a warmup.” He suggested.
“Hit me up mate,” I replied. I was having way too much fun with this Irish accent thing. He places the beer in front of me and I proceed to take a sip. As soon as I swallow it, my throat starts tingling and my brain perks up with energy. “Wohoo!” I shouted. Wohoo Edward? I told myself. Vampires must be more sensitive to alcohol than humans.
“Havin’ fun there mate? Wait ‘till you have ‘nother one; the truth comes out when the spirit comes in.” The bartender replied.
“’Nother one of yer Irish sayings. Yer just full of ‘em aren’t ya.” I sounded like a babbling drunk already, but I was quite enjoying myself. Suddenly I sensed someone behind me.
“We’ve got ourselves a newcomer over ‘ere Henry.” He mentioned to the bartender. It was him, the boy with the angelic face. “Name’s Gerard.”
I stood there dazzled by him for a moment, now I know what Bella means by being dazzled by someone. I took a moment to gather my thoughts, hoping to make some sort of coherent sentence and this is what I came up with. “Hi.”
Nice going Edward, I told myself, you went to medical school twice and got accepted to Dartmouth with a 4.0 and all you can say is “hi.” I felt like all those stupid high school girls.
“Can I buy you a drink,” he said.
My radar went up… could he be? Don’t get ahead of yourself, I told myself, he’s just offering to buy you a drink. But he said I instead of me as if to accommodate me so that I could understand him better. Oh stop it Edward, you’re soo silly.
“I was about to get another beer, but perhaps you’d like to get it for me.” I replied with an unintentional wink. Oh no did that come out snobby, I asked myself, but hey you said a full sentence! Good job Edward. I’m starting to sound like that creature Gollum in Lord of the Rings, with the inner voices battling each other out. I saw that movie once with Bella; not my type of movie, but I found it interesting how the battle scenes reminded me of the Opium Wars of 1839 through 1842. Oh stop it Edward, you’re getting way off track.
“Sure thing,” he said.
Oh good he wasn’t offended. Okay I give in to my multiple inner voices; I couldn’t help myself anymore, he was just so…dazzling.
He ordered himself a beer as well and proceeded to raise his glass towards me. “A toast for ye newcomer. Thirst is a shameless disease so here’s to a shameful cure.” If he only new how thirsty I was right now…I must not give in to the monster – the man in me needed some FUN ;)
“Cheers,” I said as I took another sip and felt the tingling sensation all over again. I wasn’t sure at that moment which factor was causing the tingling sensation all over my body… I guess now I have my pint and my “woman”; and since I was skipping the fish part I believe my Irish manhood has been proven.
“What do you think” He asked, catching me in the middle of staring at his cute behind
“I think you’re hot!” I blurted out. OMG – Did I just say that out loud??? I never thought that I would be victim of verbal diarrhea – this alcohol thing is gonna get me in trouble, along with loosing my grammar.
He gasped. Oh fuck – I scared him away…since when did I swear??? “Sorry, I have a syndrome.” I said quickly. I pressed the bridge of my nose to hide my face. Jesus what I am doing????? But he is sooo fine…
I woke up with the strangest floating feeling in my head…wait I woke up?? Apparently alcohol can make vampires “fall asleep” so to speak, it’s more like a short period of unconsciousness while the alcohol evaporates from our bodies and then I proceeded to cough up the rest.
I don’t think I quite care to be drunk again. There were a lot of crazy events that happened last night and half of them I don’t even remember, I guess that’s the “hung-over” part of this human experience. I do remember quite clearly our “finale” though. It consisted of Gerard and I singing “I love you ‘Till the End” to the top of our lungs and then I proceeded to jump off the stage and crash down onto the floor; I’d left a dent with my body, but the floor was so full of dents that I just quickly rubbed the shape off and made it looked like the other dents that were already there. But needless to say it was a stupid move on my part. And now I’m in his apartment…
Suddenly I hear a knock on the door and in comes a dozen men dressed in bright green tights and wearing red curly wigs. Oh no.
“Are you Edward Cullen?” Said the “lead” leprechaun…Oh God….I was feeling nauseous already.
“If I am will you sing at me?” I replied – 10 leprechauns singing and dancing was a bit too much with this sort of headache I had. Since when did vampires have headaches either way…
“Yes.” He said enthusiastically.
“No, I'm not.” I stated, shoving them towards the door. And there goes my manners – maybe they went to join my grammar that I had lost last night.
“I could get reported!” He cried.
“By who? The leprechaun union?” Are you kidding me??????
I finally was able to slam the door shut. I could hear them start their stupid song. Something about love, and forever…This has gone too far. I need to leave Ireland, NOW!
“ ‘ello love! Did you fancy the song? I wrote it for ya last night, and what an amazing night it was!” Gerard said in a seductive manner as he came out of the bathroom, in just a towel, might I point out that his naked chest, still dripping in water looked AMAZING. I mentally slapped myself - focus - you need to get out of here.
“As a matter of fact, NO. I didn’t “fancy” your stupid songs, and your stupid green dancing things. And if you don’t mind – I need to get the hell out of here.” I said putting my clothes back on. Now I might have to drink just to forget all of this…
“Ay mate, don’t get yer panties up in bunch Sally.” He said trying to embrace me.
“Oh, stop being all *bilingual*!”
“Kiss me arse!” He said as he pulled away from me.
“KISS *MINE*! In English!” I said as I smacked my bottom and walked out the door, slamming it a little too hard. The knob was still in my hand as I walked away.
MEN – Now I finally understood why women always said “Can’t live with them, can’t live without them.”
I could use a swim after this hung-over business. Perhaps I’ll take a lap across the English Channel. I was starting to discover the need for something else… I could instantly feel my phone vibrating.
“I knew you would call” I said to my sister.
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