Edward Wears Prada
What if the reason that Edward broke up with Bella wasn't because he thought he was dangerous for her... what if he was gay? Chapter 5: Edward in Italy... PLEASE REVIEW!!!
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4. wobbly-legged, rum-soaked PIRATES
Rating 5/5 Word Count 1691 Review this Chapter
The water was as cold as I am! Good thing I can't freeze to death. It only took me 5 minutes to get to the southeast shore of Ireland from Gerard's house. This was going to be a long trip, even for a vampire. Swimming all the length of the English Channel and dumping into the Mediterranean Sea was going to be an adventure.
I thought I might as well loose the clothes; no one's going to see me. They'll just be uncomfortable and gross all wet, eww.
So I was off like the wind- in my "Devil Wears Prada" boxers- Miranda Priestly is like my idol- and I reached the horizon in a matter of seconds. I decided to stay afloat instead of swimming under; I liked the way the breeze felt on my hair, giving me a renewed sort of energy. I was off to sea, ready to conquer the world! - Or perhaps just a massage, I was in desperate need for one- when I suddenly felt something tickle my behind...
A great white shark sank its teeth on my behind; perhaps thinking I was some kind of crustaceous aquatic creature from the looks of Miranda’s red stilettos all over my boxers. Not realizing I was as hard as a marble, crushing its teeth as soon as it bit into my behind. It squealed in pain and swam away from me.
"You? You're supposed to be dead." Said a man's voice.
I looked up and saw a grand sailboat with black sails and a man who appeared to be a pirate. I thought pirates had moved down to the Gold Coast in Northern Africa; I guess one has set astray. He looks familiar, like I've seen him in a movie or something...How was I going to explain this one? I looked myself up and down.
"Am I not?" I replied. Playing stupid was all I could think of.
"You must be one of Davy Jones's new crewmembers from the look of your pale skin." The man replied.
Davy Jones? The only thing I could think of was that movie "Pirates of the Caribbean" Could it be? No way, I must be hallucinating. This must be another part of this human "hang-over" thing. "Jack Sparrow" I made from the tattoo symbols on his forearm.
"Captain Jack Sparrow." He growled.
This is unreal; I must certainly be hallucinating. I'm just going to pretend I didn't see a large sailboat filled with pirates, one with the name from a Disney movie. I'm just going to duck under the water and swim away from all this madness.
"Not so fast there mate, you're under the seize of a pirate." He threatened.
I had an overactive imagination. I was going to have to play along to get out of this one. Maybe in a few hours this whole "hang-over" business will be over, I'll realize that there is no large sailboat and that I'm not talking to a Disney character. I can't wait for that moment to arrive.
Meanwhile I tried to think of what to say next. Now there was something like this situation in the movie...the girl, yes she said something to stop all this madness...what was the word...
"Parlay!" That was it. "I invoke the right of parlay. According to the Code of the brethren, set down by the pirates Morgan and Bartholomew, you have to take me to your Captain." I can't believe I remembered all that. I must subconsciously pay more attention to silly movies than I thought I did.
"I know the code." He began
"If an adversary demands parlay you can do them no harm until the parlay is complete." I was on a roll, perhaps it would make this...occurrence go faster.
"Aboard the ship and state your terms." He announced.
There's no harm in that, just aboard a ship full of imaginary pirates; I was probably just climbing on top of a large wave that I thought was a large sailboat- or "ship" in his words- at the moment. Maybe when I reached the top, it would all come crumbling down into a cascade of salt water. So I proceeded to climb this "ship"
"Stop blowing holes in my ship!" He cried.
I realized that I was grabbing on too tightly and my feet were poking through the ship walls as I climbed up. It even felt like a real ship; my imagination was too great.
"My apologies," I said as I climbed aboard. I was apologizing to imaginary pirates, maybe It was the salt water causing me to dehydrate and start going crazy.
"Back to your posts” He yelled. I had fallen into my own imaginary trap. The alcohol had definitely slowed down my mental reflexes.
“I thought we were negotiating my terms. You cheated," I announced.
"Pirate," he replied.
Well I guess I asked for that one.
"Besides the Code of the Brethren only applies to pirates so therefore you cannot call out a parlay and therefore one shall not be granted upon you therefore I am not forced to comply to your demands." He winded.
That was a lot of therefore's for one sentence. I longed to speak to someone who was grammatically correct, but there was no chance of that any time soon so I proceeded to
speak to my imagination.
"Actually back in the 1930's when the depression stroke the United States, I had no
honorable way of earning an income so I was left to join the ways of piracy. Those were
dark days, but that would define me to this moment to declare myself a pirate and
therefore reinstate my condition of parlay." I replied. Unfortunately that was not a lie;
those were indeed dark days. My imagination had begun to dig out my dark secrets. I soon must find a way to stop this.
"Ok so you're a pirate, besides the rules in the Code are just mere guidelines, and the Code clearly states that a pirate cannot demand parlay while standing naked in front of his comrade.” He said with a smirk.
OMG! I completely forgot that I was naked. And did he just smirk at me? Even my imagination knew that I had a soft spot for sexy pirates. I proceeded to grab the potato sack that was nearby and created a makeshift lowing cloth. Great now I looked like Tarzan, at least I was going with the Disney theme.
“What’s our heading Captain Sparrow?” Interrupted one of the crewmembers.
“We need a new ship” the Captain replied.
“We're going to steal a ship? That ship?” I asked. Great now my imagination was going to get me a criminal record. I cannot take a mug shot looking like this. My hair is a total disaster, and I look like Tarzan. This has to stop now.
“Commandeer. We're going to commandeer that ship. Nautical term.” Replied the captain, looking smug.
“ I know what commandeer means you stupid smelly pirate” I spat.
“But I am good looking....” He replied.
“Ay you'll have that,” I sighed. I don’t think he was expecting me to agree… but he is soo good looking. I don’t know if it’s the eyeliner or the hair; it must be the pirate hat. Oh stop it Edward, I told myself, I must be swallowing too much saltwater.
Some time has passed by and I was still thinking of a plan to escape this ship, which seemed more real by the moment. Suddenly the captain approaches me; his hair being blown by the wind and the fog around him encircling his manly chest- focus Edward, I told myself.
“So tell me mate, how did you escape that shark anyways.” He asked me.
It’s my imagination, I might as well tell him the truth.
“Because I’m a vampire and vampires are as hard as marble and immortal.” I blurted out straight and to the point. I don’t know why my imagination was asking this anyway.
“ Well after meeting a tentacle-headed man and a crew of cursed pirates, I guess I can believe that you’re a vampire.” He replied.
This was going to be easier than I thought. Maybe I should just jump out the ship and continue on my journey. So I proceeded to the edge of the ship.
“You don't want to be doing that, mate.” He said. Great my mind was arguing with me.
“No, I really think I do.” I replied. I was becoming a lunatic; I definitely needed to leave.
“Your funeral.” He replied.
“But I am already dead.” Duh! My other half of the brain was stupider than I thought.
“ Oh right. I think we've all arrived at a very special place. Spiritually, ecumenically, grammatically.” He went on.
Grammatically was an overstatement, I should know. But I let that one slide because suddenly he was walking towards me and planted a kiss on my cheek. My lowing cloth suddenly felt a little too tight… I took a step back towards the plank. I removed my lowing cloth and gave him a wink as I dropped it on the floor. Hell it was my imagination; I might as well have some fun. I turned around and dived off into the sea.
As I felt salt water against my skin, I realized that this was not my imagination playing tricks on me. I looked up in horror to the ship, only to find Captain Jack Sparrow looking down at me.
“It would’ve never worked out between us love.” He said as he waved goodbye.
“Well slap me thrice and hand me to me mama.” I said.
I think I’m in love with a pirate.
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