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Lost

Summary:
"Because recently, what had seemed true to him was wavering, and what had always been so clear to him was now confusing. He knew that he had to find himself again through the one person who had always been there for him. Even if it would change nothing of her fate, maybe it would decide his."



Jacob needs to see Bella again before she's gone forever, but at what price?


Notes:
First Twilight fanfiction ever. First time I've written anything in quite a long time. And, what can I say, I have a soft spot for Jacob :]


1. Lost

Rating 5/5   Word Count 1227   Review this Chapter

It was rather unfortunate that he had come across the wedding invitation from Edward. Of course, it had been weeks since he had thrown it away. He had absolutely no intention of going. But still.

Now he knew the date. Though he had tried to ignore it, tried to scan over it, tried to pretend that he didn't care; he knew that he really did. Or else his eyes wouldn't have picked up the tiny black letters from the page. They glared out at him from the see through floral design of the invitation, perhaps solely to taunt him.

And now he knew when she was going to change, when she was going to throw away her life. The exact moment when she would no longer be his Bella, but a reeking, lifeless, stone-cold creature. Alive, yet dead. An animated corpse. Almost human. Almost Bella. Almost still his best friend and, as cliché as it sounds, what he believed to be his true love. This was the day that would drive a wedge between the two of them forever. You can always take back your goodbye. You can always change your mind. As long as she was human, she could run back to him. But after she was changed, she was changed forever. Morphed from the embodiment of what he loved into the epitome of what he hated. He couldn't bear the thought of looking upon her and seeing that hard, translucently-white skin, so hard and cold and totally different from what he knew she should be like. Imagine, being near her and smelling the odor of a vampire, ripping through his senses, rendering him helpless against his visceral needs and overpowering him. The smell that would cause his undeniable instincts to kick in, the ones that told him to tear and rip and kill no matter what it took. That would be hell. It would be unbearable and too much to handle.

And even though he tried to ignore it, tried to forget it...it was still there. Haunting him just as her scent and her memory did, lingering on his mind and in his heart. He could no more easily forget the entirety of who she was then that date. Her wedding - a symbol of her ultimate commitment to that bloodsucker. She wasn't just giving him her hand in marriage, she was truly giving him her very life. People say that they would die for their love all of the time. Not many people literally have to. Not many people actually could do it if they did have to. But Bella was strong enough to endure anything for him, to sacrifice both anything and everything for him. He tried to console himself by thinking that, at the very least, she was happy. But that didn’t help, because he couldn’t really believe that that was the truth. And even if it was, he knew he could make her happier. He could give her all the things she wanted without taking anything from her. Without forcing her to leave behind all that she previously loved and held dear. And he could never have asked that of her - it seemed too selfish, too criminal.

So now he knew that she would only be truly alive for four more days, and even though they had mutually decided to say goodbye, he wanted to be with her. He wanted to be a part of her last days as a human. He wanted to spend whatever time with her he could. He knew he could never win against Edward, he knew he could never make her change her mind. He readily admitted defeat, but that did not change the fact that he loved her at all. If he could not get her to rethink her decisions, he wanted to make the last days she was alive amazing. He craved to spend those last remaining days with her, to take in the scent of her hair again, feel the softness of her skin, to listen to the sound of her heart beating. Was that too much to ask for? He wanted to pretend that she was his again - while he still could.

"You have to let her go," Sam had said simply, wisely. He understood better than the rest of them. "If she was meant for you, you would have imprinted on her. I know that's hard to accept, but it's the truth."

"I can deal with not being with her - er, really being with her. But I just can't deal with the fact that she's going to throw away everything she has, sacrifice so much, destroy her chances at what she could have, what she is entitled to have...all for that leech," Jacob spit the last word out. Even thinking of Edward and what he was making her do was enough to send fire running through his veins, send that hot shiver down his spine.

"It's her decision," Sam reminded him sternly, "and it's been proven that you can't change her mind."

"I know," Jacob nearly whispered in reply. There was an open wound there that still stung, but he could not be bitter about it. Only passively frustrated, and when he let himself think about it too much, wholly depressed.

"You're smart enough to understand," Sam said, as he studied Jacob's expression, a slight frown on his face.

"You know what this means, don't you?" Jacob asked. It was a rhetorical question. Sam knew - they all knew. Even though he had not phased in a while, the pack all knew each other well enough to see when something was wrong, and it didn't take a genius to understand what he was going to do.

Sam nodded only once, slowly. Not in encouragement, but in tolerance and understanding.

As Jacob turned away, the thoughts of Bella flooded through his mind again. He reminded himself of her laugh, of her smile, her eyes and her hair. Her voice. When he closed his eyes the memories of her were so vivid they nearly overtook him, and robbed him of all composure.

"One question, though, Jake," Sam called out to him, "why?"

Jacob turned to look back at him and said, simply, "I have to. I know that I have to."

And it was true. He knew that he had to more than he had ever known anything else. Because recently, what had seemed true to him was wavering, and what had always been so clear to him was now confusing. He knew that he had to find himself again through the one person who had always been there for him. Even if it would change nothing of her fate, maybe it would decide his.

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Bella had just awoken from a particularly terrible nightmare. Her mind was cloudy as it tried to fend off the last attacks of her sleep, but one thought struck her mind, refusing to be ignored: 'Where is Edward? I never have nightmares when he's around. And he should be here.' She groped around in the darkness for the familiar cold shape that she so often found herself snuggled into, but he was gone.

She sat straight up instantly, her mussed brown hair falling into her face. Her straining eyes could not make out his outline in the darkness and immediately, she began to panic.