(CAUTION: EXTREMELY FUNNY) Five Twilight fanatics go to Forks in search of the Cullens. Will they really find them, or just people from their school on a class trip??
This all started as a random piece of writing, then developed into a really funny story about the Girlysquirrellies.
1. Kaitlyn is Crazy
Rating 5/5 Word Count 1670 Review this Chapter
Five Twilight loving idiots (…*cough*…Kaitlyn…) set out in a journey to find the Cullens. Will they prevail, or will their fantasy world come crashing down? You are about to find out…
“Whoa! Stephenie Meyer really did her research on this place!” Kaitlyn cried.
“Yeah, it looks just like she described it!” Shannon cried, saying what Kaitlyn was thinking.
“I was about to say that!” Kaitlyn said loudly. “Yeah! Go us!” she said happily, giving Shannon a high-five.
A few minutes after the high-five moment, a figure ran in front of the car.
“Oh my gosh! It’s Edward!” Kaitlyn cried, and then started laughing like a maniac in a high pitch.
“No, you idiot! It was a bear!” Shannon cried.
“It was a werewolf!” Maitri shouted in fear.
“SHOOT IT!” Katie yelled.
“No! I love Jacob!!” Sarah screamed. “Wait! Why are we yelling?”
Everybody ignored Sarah and continued freaking out. Shannon and Katie both pulled out machine guns (where the heck did they get those?), jumped out of the car, and started shooting at the bear.
“You two are idiots!” Sarah cried, tackling them. While they were busy fighting, Kaitlyn pulled out a hand gun and shot one bullet, which hit the giant animal.
Maitri jumped out of the car and went to examine it. “It’s dead. You hit it in the heart.” She said as Kaitlyn blew smoke off of the end of the gun, and then put it in her pocket.
“Yes, Jacob is dead! Kaitlyn cried happily. Sarah, Katie, and Shannon stopped fighting.
“No! No! No! No!” Sarah sobbed as she ran over to the animal.
Shannon looked down at the dead animal and said “That’s not a wolf, it’s just a bear. Stop whining.”
Then, Sarah looked up with a huge grin on her face. At that moment, a huge guy walked out of the forest.
“EMMETT!” Kaitlyn cried, running over to hug him. “Take me to see Edward! Take me to see Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, Carlisle, and Esme, but mostly Edward!”
“What?” the guy asked.
“You’re a vampire! They’re real!” Kaitlyn collapsed and started rolling around on the ground, laughing like she was insane.
“Um, are you okay?” the guy asked.
“Don’t worry,” Katie said. “She is just really tired and needs to rest and eat something.”
“Oh my goodness, it’s Josh!” Shannon shouted from behind Katie.
“Oh yeah, you’re…” he said, trying to remember who they were.
“I’m Shannon.” She told him, "From eighth grade,"
“Why are you here?” Sarah asked.
“I’m on a school trip. Why are you here?” he asked. “Who is this Emmett guy?”
Maitri smiled evilly. “He is nobody. Just go along with whatever Kaitlyn thinks.”
“It would totally freak her out.” Sarah said, joining Maitri in smiling evilly.
“Wait, can’t she hear us?” Josh asked, looking down at Kaitlyn, who was now drooling.
“No.” Katie began, “But I’ll take care of her.” She walked to the car and came back with a bucket of water. “Snap out of it!” she said loudly as she poured water on Kaitlyn’s head.
“Where did you get that? Josh asked.
“That is of no concern to you.” Sarah said.
“Yeah, you aren’t certified to know the ways of the ninja.” Shannon told him.
Kaitlyn sat up, looking happy.
“It’s Emmett.” She said, pointing at Josh.
“Sure Kaitlyn, now let’s go to the funny farm.” Katie said kindly.
“Yes, the funny farm!” Kaitlyn cried. Katie led her back to the car.
“Don’t worry. It was only a mental breakdown,” Maitri said.
“Yeah, Katie can handle it,” Shannon added.
Suddenly, there was loud laughter coming from the car, but it was silenced quickly.
“Okay, bye now.” Josh said, sounding scared.
“”If you see Kaitlyn, pretend you’re Emmett.” Maitri said, smiling.
“Sure…” He said, then turned and ran away quickly.
Through the car window, Kaitlyn saw him run away and said “He is fast, super fast.”
“Okay, let’s go.” Sarah said.
“What about the bear?” Maitri asked. Shannon was already dragging it away. She lost her grip on the animal and fell over backwards, shouting the whole time.
“Gross! Don’t touch the dead animal!” Sarah shouted.
“It’s kind of gross.” Maitri put in, “Just leave it.”
“It’s not gross, it’s awesome!” Kaitlyn shouted from the car.
“Fine, I’ll leave it,” Shannon said. She hated giving up.
Then, the three of then piled into Kaitlyn’s yellow Porsche 911 Turbo. Kaitlyn had fallen asleep, so Katie was driving.
“Kaitlyn may be a crazy, obsessive maniac, but she has a nice car.” Shannon said as Katie accelerated.
“Kaitlyn thought Josh was Emmett.” Sarah laughed.
“Yes, Jacob is dead!” Kaitlyn shouted in her sleep. They ignored her.
“Wouldn’t it be funny if she thought she met the whole Cullen family?” Maitri asked. “She would practically go crazy.” Everyone laughed. Poor Kaitlyn, her friends thought her craziness was funny (half the time it is).
Kaitlyn blinked, waking up. She sat up and pulled out a pack of crackers.
“What happened?” she asked, licking a cracker. “I can’t remember anything.”
“You got ‘drunk’ off of air again.” Katie told her.
Kaitlyn yawned and squinted out the window. “Wait, we’re in Forks!” she cried, “I shot Jacob! We met Emmett!”
“Yeah…” Shannon said, used to Kaitlyn’s ability to state the obvious.
“Where is Emmett? Why did he run away? Is Edward here? Edward!” Kaitlyn shouted, jumping up and down in her seat.
“Kaitlyn, shut up.” Sarah snapped, “You’re annoying some of us.” Maitri nodded.
“Hey! Why are you driving my car?” Kaitlyn cried. Shannon strapped Kaitlyn down with a seatbelt and four other restraining devices she had hidden in the car.
“Shannon, let me go!” Kaitlyn screamed, furious with Shannon, Katie, and Sarah. Maitri hadn’t yelled or annoyed her, yet…
“Sarah, you drive.” Katie said, switching seats with Sarah.
“Let me drive!” Kaitlyn whined.
“Friends don’t let friends drive drunk.” Maitri mumbled.
“Oh, Edward said that once!” Kaitlyn said happily while Maitri and Katie switched places.
“Kaitlyn, calm down,” Katie began. “We’ll explain if you stop talking. You don’t want to go crazy again, do you?”
“No.” she admitted, lookind down.
“Stop eating crackers, those make it worse.” Shannon mumbled. Kaitlyn stuck out her tongue and stuffed another cracker into her mouth.
“Good. You’re quiet. Now… uh… Shannon please explain what happened.” Katie said.
“Emmett ran away because he was scared of you.” Shannon lied.
“Emmett isn’t scared of anything.” Kaitlyn said smugly.
“He had to take a whiz.” Maitri lied.
“No. You’re lying. Vampires don’t pee.” Kaitlyn insisted.
“He was really… thirsty. That’s it! He was thirsty! He couldn’t stand the smell of you because you’re his la tua cantata.” Sarah said, happy with her believable lie. Kaitlyn bought it and nodded.
“I’d better stay away from him,” Kaitlyn said, thinking she was being smart. “He might attack me on accident because I smell so good.”
Yes, she bought it! Maitri thought.
That idiot! Sarah thought.
I’m going to quote Ferris Bueller. “Dey bout it.” Katie thought.
I like cheese! Shannon thought.
Edward! (Elevator music) Twilight! (More music) Kaitlyn thought, and then fell asleep.
“Hey, Kaitlyn fell asleep!” Shannon cried.
“That’s good,” Sarah said. “We’re at the hotel, though, so we’ll have to carry her in.”
Shannon and Maitri picked up Kaitlyn by her arms and legs and carried her into the hotel.
When they checked in, the man at the check-in desk eyed them weirdly.
“I’m sorry but we don’t allow dead bodies in the hotel.” He said coldly.“Don’t worry; she is just a drunk and mindless idiot that ate too many crackers.” Maitri said brightly.
“We don’t allow drunks, either.” He said. Sarah slipped him a 20.
“And now we do! Enjoy your stay!”
The four of them got on the elevator, still carrying Kaitlyn. They put the key in the slot and turned it. The elevator rose up to the thirteenth floor.
“Thanks for booking the entire top floor.” Maitri said.
“What room is Kaitlyn?” Shannon asked. “I can’t wait to drop her on the bed. My arms are about to fall off.”
“She is in room 1313.” Sarah said, handing Shannon two keys. “You’re in room 1315, which is right next door.”
When they got off of the elevator, they stared at the private floor in awe. It had a lounge and a kitchen right outside of the elevator.
Katie opened the door to Kaitlyn’s room and held it for Shannon and Maitri. They dropped Kaitlyn on the bed and hurried out. Then, they locked her in.
“We should get to bed,” Sarah said. “It’s like midnight.”
“Yeah, I’m tired,” Katie said, opening the door to her room.
“I want to stay up all night and deprive myself of sleep like I usually do.” Shannon whined.
“Whatever, just make sure you watch Kaitlyn. We don’t want her to hurt herself…or someone else…” Maitri said from the door to her own room. She went inside and closed the door. In a few minutes, she was already snoring lightly.
Shannon made herself comfortable on a sofa in the lounge outside of Kaitlyn’s room and started surfing the channels on the TV. From Maitri’s room, she heard light snoring. From Katie’s she heard tossing and turning, and from Sarah’s she heard an occasional loud sniffle. Shannon turned up the volume on the TV.
Then she heard it…
“What the heck?” she asked herself. She heard weird muttering coming Kaitlyn’s room. She got up to investigate.
She walked into Kaitlyn’s room and crept closer and closer until she heard what Kaitlyn was saying.
“My gun… my bullet… my trigger… see? It has stripes. It’s pretty. I shot Jacob. My gun… my bullet… my trigger…”
Shannon backed away from the weirdo muttering about guns in her sleep, spun around, ran out of the room, and locked the door from the outside. Then, she walked to her own room and vowed never to tell her therapist about this, lest she be killed by the drunken murderer named Kaitlyn.