Death Of A Soul
His heart swells. His unbeating heart. It aches like never before. He has to let her go, he knows this. But why? Why? Why not him? What did he ever do wrong? If Bella had picked Jacob instead of Edward in Eclipse, and she told Edward, how would he react and how would the conversation go?
Ok, so I'm not really a Jacob fan. At all. But I was thinking of how the conversation with Edward would go if Bella had picked Jacob. All the Edward-lovers can just kill me now. :( Also, I am a COMPLETE Edward Cullen fan but I just wanted this to be written. So, please, please don't kill me. :(
1. Crystallized Tears
Rating 4.5/5 Word Count 3338 Review this Chapter
She stutters. How does she do this? How? How can she pick him, her best friend, over him, her true love? It makes no sense to her. At all. But she just knows deep down she's doing the right thing. She trusts the strange, beautiful man in front of her. She trusts him more than he can even comprehend, but she can't help but feel caution. Weariness. She thinks he may leave, simply because she isn't enough. But she is enough for her best friend. Her sun.
He looks at her, almost understanding. It isn't him. He knows it now. He knew it could never work out in the first place, a human and a vampire, but he just wishes she had given him more time. More time to change her. To make her happy. His messy bronze hair falls into his eyes, but he doesn't care. How can he care about anything when she isn't with him? He gulps, waiting for the blow.
"Edward," Her tortured whisper reaches his ears. He glances up from his newest composition, a lovely song about her, and looks directly at her. At her beautiful face, into her deep eyes, at her full seductive lips, her mahogany lustful hair, and takes her in fully. After all, this may be the last time he sees her for a long, long time.
"Yes?" Her hands shake lightly at her side as she bites her bottom lip in response to his voice. How does she do this? How? How can she leave him after all he's done for her. After all of them have done for her? She knows once she's told her decision, they'll leave. This place will be too painful to them. And she knows their thoughts of her, too. And she has to agree, she truly is a cruel, back-stabbing bitch who breaks hearts. She won't be accepted here. She can almost picture his stunning blonde sister, smiling smugly as she looks upon her younger bronze-haired brother. "I told you so," She'll say.
"We need to talk," Her pained eyes look into his golden ones. He swallows, yet again, and nods. He glances to the side, where his family sits thinking and mumbling to one another. They know what will happen. They all know. And just that knowledge of knowing they know kills him.
"Alright, come on." He smiles, wanting to make a good impression on her. He wants her to remember him as someone good, not a monster. Not a demon. Even though he really is one. He holds his hands out and she places her small, delicate one in his. They go up the stairs, hand in hand, and his family goes silent. Watching and waiting. Watching as their brother, their son is with the women he loves for the last time. Waiting for the crystal tears, the slamming doors, the tortured tearless sobs, the retreating daughter, friend, and sister.
She sits down upstairs on their bed. Their bed. For them. Useless, he thinks, Completely wasteful. She pats the spot next to her, signaling for him to sit down, as she looks forward. She can't stand to look at him, to see the echoed pain in his eyes. She can't even stand to be in his presence, it's starting to make her sick. I don't deserve him, she tells herself as he thinks the same exact thing about her.
"What is it, love?" He takes advantage of the situation. He's going to love her as much as he can while he can. He's going to try as hard as he can to dissuade her before she says the final, lasting words. He has to. He has to try. He watches as the sparkling tears well up in her eyes; threatening to overflow. She swallows, it feels like her heart is in her throat. Maybe I should just stay. Tell Jacob goodbye. Maybe this is a mistake, she tries to persuade herself, but it doesn't work. Her heart is with someone else now.
"You have to know I love you. I will always love you. No matter what," She says, softly. She grasps his marble hand as tightly as she can without it hurting her. He squeezes back as he wipes a stray lock of hair away from her face with his spare hand. As he does, a tear breaks lose. He wipes at that too, showing he cares. Showing he understands.
"But..." He prods suggestively. She blinks, stirring from her thoughts at the sound of his voice. His velvety, stunning, seductive voice. How will she ever live without him? He is her whole world, but Jacob is her sun. And what flower can live without sun?
"I can't do this." Her eyes raise slowly to his face; cautiously. His face goes into protection mode. He knows this feeling all too well; going into a blank, numb, expressionless face. He won't let her see him suffer, he won't. He wants her to think of him as strong, not weak. He just hopes she doesn't see his clenching jaw and trembling teeth. She looks down at her feet, feeling the comforting sensation of his thumb tracing soothing circles on her hand. This is the last time she'll feel such comfort. Such coolness from a person's skin. Such love from someone who isn't her large, burly friend.
"Just tell me why," He states, not even knowing if he really wants to know. Why she's picking someone else, why she's putting her life into even more danger than it was before. His heart is breaking, and they both know it. She closes her eyes, not really knowing if she can tell him. She starts trembling slightly, all her forced down sobs and tears are bubbling to the surface. He wraps his arm around her waist, pulling her towards him. He breathes in her floral, mouth-watering scent that flows from her very life force. Her breathing hitches, enjoying the feeling of him against her. She opens her mouth, about to talk, but then closes. She doesn't really have an explanation.
"I, well, I'm not quite sure I want to," She gulps, knowing this will be the hardest thing to say, "give it all up." She takes in a deep breath as he stiffens. He knows what she really meant to say is You just aren't worth it. He closes his eyes; the pain is simply unbearable, as downstairs Jasper closes his eyes, too. The pain is such agony for the both of them. Her soft sobs echo around the room as he holds her. He knows it, just then, he actually figures it out. And it seems to slap him right in the face. It's over. It's actually over. Their relationship. Their love. Their future. It's all gone. And right then he's never felt so helpless. He knows that this is what it must have felt like when he left her. To be so alone, to have your beloved just walk out on you. But there's one major difference here: he came back. And he knows she never will.
"Is this about Jacob?" He asks quietly. He suddenly regrets it. She tenses, not wanting to tell him the answer is yes. She shakes, sobs convulsing her, as he realizes his life is simply over. He stares, glassy-eyed, over her head and at the plain wall in front of him. It's over, he repeats. Like a mantra. He can't seem to stop simply because when he does, he'll have no proof of actually being here, with her, in this spot. He smells her salty tears soaking into his shirt as she thinks of how much she's hurting him. She's murdering his already dead heart. She swallows and nods her head.
"I'm so so sorry, Edward. I didn't, well, I just didn't think it would ever end up this way," She sobs, grabbing onto his collar. She wants him to understand so badly. She wants him to tell her that he understands, that everything will be alright. As the silence grows, her hysterical sobs get louder. She can't stand this silence. It's killing her. She knows she's hurt him beyond recognition. She's put him through so much and she hates it. She really is a cruel, back-stabbing bitch.
"Please say something," She begs. He simply blinks, just repeating his mantra over and over. He's trying so desperately not to sob, to give in to his emotions. Instead of rolling into a ball and weeping, he simply just stares and shakes. She screams in frustration of the silence. Why won't he answer? Why won't he respond? Why won't he show any sign of recognition? She grabs roughly at his face, bringing it down to hers, as his eyes focus on a spot above her right shoulder. He can't stand to look her in the eye, in those deep beautiful eyes. Both of her small delicate hands shake as they hold tightly on to each side of his face.
"What is there to say?" His eyes keep focused on the spot above her shoulder at a small crack in the wall. Her hands shake even more violently. A second scream slices through the air. Downstairs, the family tries desperately not to eavesdrop, but they can't help it. Their hearing is just too sensitive.
"Look at me!" She yells, begging him to even give her recognition. His eyes flash down to hers, golden topaz orbs staring into deep brown ones. He trembles, too slightly for her to notice, and tries to control the agony in his voice.
"I'm looking," His numb voice responds. And that's when she remembers. She remembers all those months ago when he had just left. She had acted just like this. Her heart swells, she was acting like this after he left, and he's acting like this before she even does. He's hurting more than she ever had. Her crystal tears track down her face as his long slender fingers wipe them off, absent-mindedly. He doesn't even realize it until she's staring down at his hand and all the tears are long gone.
"Tell me you forgive me. I don't deserve it, far from it, but just say something," Her voice cracks several times as more tears fall. He gulps, what the hell is he supposed to say? He blinks rapidly, trying to get rid of the tears that will never fall. His perfect brow furrows as she sniffles.
"I forgive you," he says, mechanically. He just wants to make her happy. If saying three simple words make her happy, so be it. She looks at him, anger flashing in her eyes. I'm losing it, she thinks. And she's correct. Her throat feels dry, too dry, and her eyes are so wet. She's crying enough for the both of them.
"Damn it! You don't mean it!" She screams, getting more frustrated by the second. His already furrowed brow furrows more as his confusion grows. Didn't she just say to say that? His already dead heart aches as he sees his angel upset. He doesn't want to see her like that. She wriggles out of his hold on her and stands up and paces, her red eyes puffy and hair tangled. He doesn't care though, she'll always look perfect in his eyes.
"I don't understand," He mumbles, staring back at the crack in the wall. She stops, looking at him with agonized eyes. Downstairs his father recognizes his actions as catatonic. Just what she was like when he left her. Back upstairs, she screams, begging for him to show emotion. He just stares back, uncomprehending. He just doesn't understand. He's too numb, too far away to fully get her intentions, her wishes. She freezes, knowing things are too out of control, and stands in front of him. She grabs his hand in hers, reveling in the last time she'll feel the coldness. With her other hand she tilts his face upward by one finger under his chin.
"I love you, but I just can't accept this," She murmurs, her voice almost inaudible. With a flick of her wrist the ring is off her hand and in his. He doesn't realize it though, not yet. His eyes narrowing, taking in her marvelous face, body, and personality. To her, it's getting too hard to breathe. Her heart aches, wanting to grab him and tell him he's sorry while kissing her actions goodbye. But she knows she can't. His usual light eyes gaze up at her, tortured and dark. She swallows her sobs, not wanting to seem like a weak, pathetic human to him. She knows that he'll find someone. He has to. He's too sweet, too flawless to not have someone to love. Tanya, she smiles bitterly, Tanya would be perfect.
"Keep it. It's yours," He outstretches his hand, the one with the ring in it. She closes her eyes tightly and pushes his hand back to him. She shakes her head and sobs at his feet.
"No. It's yours. Save it for someone who will love you completely, the way you deserve. The way I cannot. Save it for someone who you will love. Please, just please, do it," She whispers, holding onto his stiff hand containing the ring. His eyebrows, once again, furrow. He can't just love someone else. He can't. No, he'll always love his Bella. No one else. By now his thoughts are jumbled, he can't quite make sense of it all. All he knows is she's leaving him, for another man, his enemy to be exact, and giving him her engagement ring back. He shakes, it's all over and done with. His heart swells. His unbeating heart. It aches like never before. He has to let her go, he knows this. But why? Why? Why not him? What did he ever do wrong?
"What did I do wrong?" He asks, taking her by surprise. She cries out louder, he did nothing! Nothing, damn it! He shouldn't be blaming it all on him!
"Oh, Edward. You did nothing wrong. It just seemed to happen. I love you, though. Never forget that." She plasters a weak smile on her face, trying to ease the pain. It does nothing. He shakes his head, disagreeing. He must have done something. He's always regretted leaving her, but now he regrets it even more. Because he left, he's losing her. All over again. Because he left, she now belongs with another man.
"Yes. I did. What? Please, just tell me," He softly begs. She weeps, she's hating all of this. Making him think he could ever do something wrong. Didn't she always tell him he was perfect?
"Edward, listen to me. You did nothing! It's all me, love, it's all on me," She whispers, fiercely, to him while clutching his face. He shakes his head. This is all wrong. All wrong! He did something, he knows it. He opens his mouth, about to disagree, but she places one finger in front of his lips. He freezes. The heat radiates off of her.
"Don't. Please don't. I love you. That's all you need to know. I love you so much, Edward Cullen. I always have and I always will. You'll always be a part of me. No matter what happens. I love you," She stresses, and with that she grabs his face and kisses him with such passion, such ferocity, he thinks that maybe they'll be alright. Her hands move over his face, memorizing his features as his does too. Her mouth moves in sync with his and he sucks lightly on her bottom lip. Her hands tangle in his oh so soft locks as his hands roam lightly down her side, sending chills. His free hand brushes the revealed skin on her torso lightly, creating goosebumps in patterns and designes. This is the best kiss, full of such urgency and desperation. There isn't much time left. It's almost over. As if the time on a ticking bomb, their kiss gains passion and love. Her tongue breaks through the strong barrier of his lips and her tears just keep falling. He pulls her to him, not wanting to let go. They fall back on the bed, the first and last time they'll ever use it for such a reason. She, reluctantly, pulls away. She wants to just stay in his arms forever, but she knows she can't live without Jacob. She tastes just a bit of his venom, enjoying the luscious, seductive sweetness of it as it roams over her tongue. It's so intimate, so sensual. He squeezes his eyes shut as she breathes heavily and lays her forehead against his.
"That should of been our first kiss as husband and wife," She breathes, her warm breath flowing over his icy face. He wants her, so badly, he wants her. Her heart, her body, and soul. He tightens his hold on her, trying to persuade with his body language that he can't live without her. He just can't. He feels as she struggles out of his hold, his hand gently brushing up against her breast, her leg getting tangled in his. Eventually, she's out and he still won't open his eyes. He feels the tingle of her warm lips touch his forehead briefly, then his two eyelids, his nose, his cheeks, and finally his lips. His eyes still won't open.
"I love you," She whispers in his ear, sending imaginary chills up his spine. He opens his eyes, slowly, and she's not there.
Downstairs the family tries not to listen. To watch. To respond. They act busy, like they have better things to do. Even though they try, desperately so, they can't ignore the sobs coming closer. She stumbles close to the bottom of the stairs, actually managing not to trip, and their eyes are drawn to her. Like magnets. Like bees to honey. Like them, the predators, to blood.
With a bump, she clambers down from the steps into the kitchen, ignoring the six pairs of golden accusing eyes. They can't believe what she's done. They were so sure of her love for him, eternal love. They stare, and she stares back; both parties are at a loss for words. It's the first time she's ever felt intimidated by their presence. What is she even supposed to say? I'm sorry for breaking his heart? Please forgive me? You've been a tremendous family?
An ear-splitting crash resounds around the house. His CDs. They're all broken. Smashed, ruined, scratched, and snapped in half from the anger of the moment. She trembles, faltering under their betrayal filled stares. They stare her down, not even realizing what they're doing. With a second crash the bed is gone. Crushed and broken into nothing more than wood chips and dust; lingering on his floor. She flinches, a grief filled tremor shaking her petite form. With a broken sob she turns and runs out of the white Victorian mansion she used to call home.
They all watch her leave, their used to be daughter, their used to be sister, their used to be friend. With a loud grumble her truck roars to life as the burliest son draws the curtain back from one of the many front windows. She sees his miserable, shocked face peek out and she gulps. Her foot slams down on the pedal as she speeds down the long, dirt driveway, leaving her family behind.
To her, she wants them just to be another long-forgotten chapter in her seemingly never-ending life.
All she knows is that the house will be empty by tomorrow.