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Like Ice

Summary:
Christmas, during Bella's zombie period. It's a two shot, first in Bella's POV during New Moon, and then in Edward's, sometime shortly after he returns.


Notes:


1. Chapter 1

Rating 5/5   Word Count 1127   Review this Chapter

I stood staring numbly out the window, watching Charlie's truck drive slowly away as he headed for his shortened shift at work. If this had been a happier time - a time that I shuddered to remember but never, ever wanted to forget - I would probably have been happy. Ecstatic, even.


Christmas would have been filled with extravegent gifts and parties. There would have been way too many decorations, and too many people invited to some party they had surprised me with. And though I probably would have groaned, my family would have been around. The family I had been so eager to become a part of. And he would have been there.

I shook my head as a tear rolled down my cheek and looked away from the dreary scene outside the window. Forks only brought pain, but I couldn't bring myself to leave it. Not when it was the only thing keeping me sure that everything that had happened wasn't just an illusion. It was real.

My fingers traced the walls as I walked to the front door. I was outside and in my truck before I realized what I was doing. My fingers were shaking subtly as I turned the key in the engine and I wondered where I was going, but didn't question it. It didn't really matter, anyway.

The trees around me blurred and I focused on not crashing on the slick roads, my mind wandering to dangerous thoughts when I stopped concentration. All too soon I pulled up outside of the Newton's store, and I turned the truck off and got out, still not sure what I was doing.

The rain soaked me as I drug myself into the store, arms wrapped around my stomach protectively. Mike saw me and hurried outside, opening the door just as I reached it.

"Bella?" He asked. "What are you doing here? Aren't you off today?"

I shook my head yes, letting him know that I was off, and walked in the store. He quirked an eyebrow but didn't comment, probably knowing I wasn't going to respond anyway.

My head stayed on the floor as I walked through aisle after aisle, finally looking up at the register. There, on the counter, was a small mountain lion stuffed animal. Even the small child's toy seemed to make the edges of my hole flare and I cringed.

Then, I got an idea. The pain would be too much to bear later, I was sure, but I had to do this. It was christmas, after all. I had already gotten Charlie a meaningless gift - my heart, obviously, hadn't been in it - and I had emailed Renee letting her know that next time I visited, I'd take her out and get her something. There was only one person I hadn't thought to buy something for. Why would I have thought to buy something for him, anyway? He left, and took with him my heart. So why would he even deserve a present?

But it felt right, some how, and I didn't stop to think as I left my money on the counter and left, not even waiting for Mike to get my change.

The stuffed animal sat on the seat next to me as I drove home. I left it in the car and quickly ran in the house to grab a pen and some paper before I ran back into the truck, removing the paper from where I had put it in my shirt so it wouldn't get soaked.

I spread the paper out on the steering wheel, and with shaking hands, began to write.

Edward, I wrote. A shudder racked through me, though not from being wet and cold, and I felt a tear trickle down my cheek.

It's been a few months since you've left now, not that you've even noticed. I'm sure you're busy with your distractions, anyway. I just needed you to know that I love you. I'm not even sure if you'll ever read this, but I had to try.


I've been empty for months, you know. And I've waited - though I never really admitted it, even to myself - for you. I'll keep waiting. No matter what I do, I can't make myself want to leave this place.

Everything reminds me of you. The wind, the rain, the couples at school... everything. I can't keep myself from falling apart, thinking of what we were.

I wanted to apologize. I'm sorry for holding you back, and I'm sorry for not being enough for you. I'm sorry you had to pretend, and I'm sorry I made you unhappy. But most of all, I'm sorry that I forced you to love me.

Merry Christmas, Edward. I hope wherever you are, you're happy. That's all I could ever want. Just knowing that being away from you has probably given you the freedom to make you the happiest man alive is what keeps my heart beating.


Without you, I am nothing. Please forgive me.

Love always,

Bella

I folded the note and stuck it under a small ribbon that was tied around the lion's collar, and then swiftly through the truck in gear.


The wheels screamed in protest as I sped away from my house and towards the white mansion. I had to do this. I had to make things right before I could change my mind.


The way to the old house in the woods was engraved into my mind, and before I had time to think, I was pulling down the long, winding driveway. It was overgrown, now, as if it hadn't been traveled in months. And it probably hadn't.

I hadn't realized it, but I was still crying. Furiously, I tried to wipe the tears away as I stopped the truck and walked the few feet to the house, his gift in my shaking hands.

My eyes scanned the surrounding area, and I shuddered. There was no life here anymore. The only thing that remained of them was memories. Anything meaningful disappeared when they left.

I sighed, and a small sob escaped as I dropped the toy onto the porch in front of the door.


"Please," I whispered, begging everyone and no one at the same time. "Let him be happy. Let him live the life he deserves to live. Please, that's all I can ask."

I ran away then, still shaking and sobbing, and drove away from the haunting house. My heart sealed itself off from the pain, and I became numb, as I let the trees blur past my windows again.

My heart was locked; frozen. Like ice.

And it was all for him.