Edward and Bella Encounter a Cow
Edward and Bella meet a cow written by NG and Fish
4. Oom discovers Fanfiction
Rating 4.5/5 Word Count 841 Review this Chapter
I crouched in the bushes, waiting for the perfect moment to strike as the third solicitor of the day walked by. As he stepped right in front of where I was hidden, I jumped out and started waving my hooves in the air.
“MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *snort snort* MOOOOOOOOOOOO! *SNORT*” I wailed, foaming at the mouth. The unsuspecting salesman’s eyes widened and he fell backwards screaming some random jibberish in German.
“Durchlauf weg! Rasende Kuh auf dem losen! Alle wir sind, die gehen zu sterben! Durchlauf weg!” (means “Run away! Rabid cow on the loose! We are all gonna die! Run away!”) he screamed, running as fast as he could in the other direction.
I giggled to myself. The amazing Oom has prevailed again! I wiggled happily in pride of my skills. I heard the door open behind me.
“Oom, were you scaring German people again?” Bella taunted. Before I could reply, she started shouting. “You are racist!!! Why are you so racist??? THE WHOLE WORLD IS RACIST!!!!!!” She fell to the ground throwing her fists in random directions with tears in her eyes. Apparently this is a touchy subject.
A moment later Edward appeared in the doorway, looking all tough and handsome. Alleluia music and golden light burst from behind him.
“What’s wrong, Bella? Don’t worry, I’m here for you!” Edward said heroically as he flashed a heroic smile just like a hero would. Heroically.
Bella looked up at him with pure rage and started pounding her fists on his chest.
“You are racist against Jacob! RACIST! And Jacob is racist against you! YOU’RE ALL RACIST!!!” Bella ranted. “Why can’t everyone in the world be happy and hold hands and sing songs about cute little bunnies??????”
Edward looked at her at a loss for words. Suddenly a totally genius idea rushed into his head.
“Bella, I know what would make you happy!” He said seductively.
“Oh I get it!” Bella said equally seductively. “Let’s go, you big hunk of Greek Godlyness!” They both skipped off holding hands and giggling.
I sighed and shook my head. How much can two people reproduce in one week?
I followed them inside and headed up the stairs and as I passed Edward’s room I listened in to what they were saying.
“Oh, it won’t fit!” Bella moaned.
“I’ll keep trying!” said Edward reassuringly. I backed away, disgusted.
Again, no one was home today so I decided to go see what I could find in Carlisle’s study. I looked around finding boxes full of bubble wrap, random books about doctorism, and other boring stuff.
Just as I was about to leave the room, I saw it, glowing in all it’s technological beauty...
I scrambled over, eyes gleaming with excitement. A simple cow like me was astounded by all the blinking lights and buttons.
I pushed the biggest one I could find and the computer hummed to life. I clapped. The word Google appeared on the screen, whatever that’s supposed to mean. I ignored that, and started typing in random words.
It took me awhile, but I finally managed to type in “Bella Swan” and press “enter”.
To my surprise, there were millions of web pages that appeared. I gasped dramatically and clicked on the first one.
In a flash, Bella’s life story appeared on the page. I let out an amazed “ooooooooooo” and started reading. Apparently she was in a book called Twilight.
I went back to that magical Google thingy and typed Twilight in over her name. I clicked around for awhile and found something called “fanfiction”. I like that name so I clicked on the link.
A banner stretched across the top of the screen that read “Twilight Archives”. I let out an ecstatic “ahhhhhhhhhhh” and clicked on the random story of the day, because it was about cows.
I started reading and my jaw dropped. This story was about ME! I read through all three chapters. I cried, laughed, and even gasped in horror at some parts. I quickly made an account and reviewed these crazy stalkers’s story.
I typed, ‘How do you know this stuff?????????? Have you guys like set up cameras in our house or something? *looks around* well anyway it was awesome! You perfectly captured what I was thinking! We should meet in a dark alley or something!’
Slightly freaked out, I turned off the computer before anything else weird could happen.
Unfortunately I had totally forgotten about the previous events of the day and went crashing through the door into Edward's room. I caught myself, but I had already entered the room. I found Edward and Bella on the bed....
...doing a puzzle.
"You were right, Edward! I feel alot better now!" Bella exclaimed gleefully, shoving the last piece into place.
I blinked. Suddenly, everything made sense. Bella studied my relieved expression.
"What did you think we were doing, silly willy?" Bella asked, confused. Edward thought for a moment then burst out laughing. I shuddered, snorted, and left the room.
As I shut the door I could hear Bella last word.