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What would happen if the Cullens were real? What would happen if the fans found out about it? A halarious story that is sure to have you bent over in laughter!!Chapter 2: Why Me? is UP!! I wont post another chapter till i get at least 20 so reviewreviewreview!!!
Here ya go guys! This is my first fic on this site. Enjoy.
2. Why Me??
Word Count 1165
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Chapter 2: Why Me?
Jacob banged into the house, slamming the door shut behind him taking in large gulps of air, "I--hate--fan---girls!!" he panted clutching at the tattered remains of his sweat pants. "Those heathens practically ate me alive!"
Quil was sitting on the floor with Clair, her playing with a barbie him with an 'action figure'. He looked up at Jacob and his face split into a huge grin, "Oh I don't know Jake, they seem rather harmless to me. Why, all I have to do is walk out the door with Clair in my arms and they go all soft and gooey for her cute little eyes." he trailed off with a chuckle.
"Well EXCUSE me for not having a toddler to hide behind! Seriously, I am about to start hunting fangirls instead of vampires. They are far more menacing at the moment than the bloodsuckers..no I take that back, they are far..far worse." Jacob shuddered.
"I'm sure it will run it's course if we just bide our time and don't do any thing rash like phasing in front of them." Sam said with a stern look at Paul.
"What? I got myself under control didn't I?" Paul said defensively.
"Just barely.." Sam replied.
"Seriously though..I would rather make a pact of everlasting friendship with the bloodsuckers that had us gallivanting around together with flower crowns on our heads than put up with any more of this! I mean look at me! Those savages tore almost every stitch of clothing I had off! I wouldn't be surprised if they had tried to rape me next!" Jacob exclaimed.
"It's not rape if its willing Jake." Embry joked with a barking laugh and Jacob punched him in the arm.
"Very funny Embry, maybe I'll show you the girls I saw today wearing a Quil/Embry t-shirt and see how funny you think that is, hmm?"
"Hey man, you knew I was just joking." Embry frowned
Quil threw a barbie shoe at Jacobs head, "Hey man why you gadda treat a brother like that?"
Seth was sitting in the corner laughing quietly, "Yeah but they are kinda cool too ya know, look what one of them got me."
Seth held up a DVD case with a wolf, a boy and a girl on the front titled 'The Savage One'
"Let me see that," Jacob snatched the DVD out of his hand and read the back cover and then pinched the bridge of his nose.
"What?" he said
"Had you even bothered to read the back cover of this?"Jacob asked calmly
"Oh, well it just that the rating is a bit over your age kiddo."
Seth scoffed and made a swipe for the DVD but Jacob jerked it back
"Come on Jake I've watched R - rated movies before with you right there watching with me!"
"Oh well then you are certainly ready to dive into an XXX-rating then huh?!"
"WHAT?!?!" The rest of the pack shouted
"WHAT IN THE HELL POSESSED THEM TO GIVE HIM A PORN TAPE?!?!"
"OK, everyone just lets calm down and try to forget this happened. Jake, give me that tape" Sam said
Jake handed it over to him and Sam smashed it in between his hands.
"Now that's that." Sam said dumping the bits into the rubbish bin.
"Well look on the bright side boys, at least we aren't catching it as hard as the leeches over in Forks." Quil said.
Carlisle ran into the house wide eyed, slamming the door shut behind him, you could hear the sound of several loud thumps on the door from the people ramming into it on the other side.
"My word, these girls are a bit...energetic aren't they?" he said shakily.
"Energetic? Why Carlisle your just to nice. But I think the proper term is INSANE!" Roselie said with a scowl.
"I-I am sure that it will pass in time..." Carlisle trailed off uncertainty.
"Carlisle, by that time we all will either have gone crazy or been some how captured and have unmentionable things done to us." Edward said then broke off with a shiver running down his spine. "Some of the things I have heard over these past few weeks will hunt me for the rest of my existence..."
He was cut short by a pair of frilly panties with 'I love Edward' on the crotch flew into the glass of the window and stuck there.
Emmett: "HEY! I haven't seen any 'I love Emmett' panties!"
Emmett: "Um...I mean..Yeah that's, um...pretty weird...yeah."
A second later a pair of panties with 'I love Emmett' on them flew onto the window.
"Yesss." Emmett said punching a fist into the air.
This was closely fallowed by a pair of 'I love Carlisle' and 'I love Jasper' panties and a pair of boxers that had 'I'd so do Bella' in big red letters down the legs.
Edward snapped then
"OKAY! Who else is thirsty? Hmmm?" he said with a slight note of hysteria in his voice. "Anyone? Jasper what about you? Come on there is no way that these things are human so its not like we would be going against our 'vegetarian' life style. An look we even have a life time supply!"
"Nice Ed.." Roselie said sarcastically.
"Now, now Edward. Lets be reasonable, there has to be a better way for you to deal with this." Esme said putting a comforting (and restraining) arm around Edwards shoulders.
"Right, reasonable" he pointed to the panties (and pair of boxers) stuck to the window " does that look reasonable to you Esme?"
"These girls and, erm..boys, just have a bit of an irrational crush on you is all." she said.
"It's not really hurting anything at the moment Edward, just calm down." Bella said from beside him.
"Yeah besides my sanity.." he pouted.
"Oh its not that bad ickle Eddie," Alice said coming in with her arms full of bags "I actually find this hole development quite enjoyable! You were right when you said that I'd like them as shopping partners! They took me to the cutest little convention in Seattle! It's called sakura-con or something like that. Look I even got you something Mr.Grump Butt."
She got out a black kittykat hat that was smiling and had fangs an shoved it onto his head.
"See! Isn't it just so cute!?" Alice squealed.
Emmett Jasper and Bella were all biting their lips and looking the other way just trying not to laugh.
".....Don't you dare.." Edward warned.
They quickly composed themselves, but the corners of there lips were slightly upturned.
"I do agree with you on one point though Edward, this should be stopped soon, an for some reason I don't think that the eight of us are enough to handle this..even if we were all agreed to stop it." Carlisle said with a glance at Emmett and Alice.
"Gahh, why me?" Edward asked, rubbing his forehead.