The Cullen boys go hunting. Jasper can't stop quoting The Princess Bride, Emmett can't stop quoting Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and Edward, rather put out, responds with Shakespeare. Hilarity ensues! Co-written with the awesome Blondie AKA Robin.
1. Much Ado About Lancelot and Buttercup
Rating 4.5/5 Word Count 1733 Review this Chapter
Do we really have to avoid bears with cubs? Emmett thought sourly, rolling up his window.
“Do we really have to avoid bears with cubs?” Emmett asked sourly, half a second later.
Imbecile, Jasper thought, irritated. But unlike Emmett, he rarely said exactly what was on his mind.
“You know we do,” Jasper answered. I smirked.
“You’ve asked that question every spring for the last fifty years,” I said mockingly. “When are you going to learn that the answer is always going to be no?”
Emmett glared at me from the passenger seat. But you know there’s nothing fiercer than a protective mommy bear, he thought.
“But you know there’s nothing fiercer than a protective mommy bear,” he said, a hint of longing in his voice. In his mind he was imagining the fight such an angry bear would put up. “Rarrr….rarr…rarrr!” He clawed the air with his hands, then shifted his glance to me, making puppy dog eyes that would have put Jacob Black to shame. “Can we please? Please please please?”
“Come on! Would Carlisle really mind all that much?”
“Of course he would,” I replied sternly. “The wasting of the Earth’s finite natural resources is always a concern.”
I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! Emmett thought.
“I don’t wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper!” He said loudly.
I rolled my eyes. One of Emmett’s favorite things was to quote completely idiotic movie lines just to irk me.
“I give up. Which movie was that, Emmett?” I asked in a bored voice.
“Monty Python and the Holy Grail,” he said brightly, his goofy grin now wide. “Greatest movie ever made!”
Holy my eye, I thought. Well, two can play this game…
“Why, he is the prince's jester: a very dull fool; only his gift is in devising impossible slanders: none but libertines delight in him; and the commendation is not in his wit, but in his villany; for he both pleases men and angers them, and then they laugh at him and beat him,” I said, flawlessly quoting Shakespeare. I heard both Jasper and Emmett groan and smiled at my own cleverness.
“I don’t think that means what you think it means,” Jasper said, in a perfect imitation of Inigo Montoya. I sighed — now they were both doing it…
“Wilt thou provoke me? Then have at thee, boy!” I snapped.
Emmett immediately replied, “No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!” in the worst French accent every heard.
“O horrible, oh horrible, most horrible,” I muttered.
“Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Let’s not bicker and argue,” Emmett said.
“Your words go up, but your thoughts remain below. Words without thoughts never to heaven go,” I said, in a singsong voice.
“Stop rhyming! I mean it!” yelled Jasper.
“Does anybody want a peanut?” The two of us yelled back, unable to help ourselves. There was silence for a moment, followed by raucous laughter.
“That’s enough, boys,” I said.
“Yes mommy bear,” Emmett said in a sing-song voice.
The scenery changed drastically as we began to gain altitude. The deciduous trees became fewer and the towering pines grew more frequent. The road wound tightly as we passed scenic turn out after scenic turn out. The breathtaking panorama of McCall Basin was spread across our view as we wound through the mountains, and bloodlust rampaged across Jasper’s hungry thoughts, as he looked forward to killing the elk that we suspected would be gathering near the Tieton river at nightfall. Finally we reached our destination — Goat Rocks State Wilderness.
“Let’s go,” I said impatiently. This didn’t need to be a drawn out trip.
“Can’t stand to be away from her at all, now? Boy do you have it bad…” Emmett muttered.
“In mine eye she is the sweetest lady that ever I looked on,” I sighed.
Emmett slapped his forehead in frustration. He could think of no appropriate comeback from his favorite movie.
“I love Bella: forty thousand brothers could not, in all their quantity of love, make up my sum,”I said. Emmett grinned wickedly.
“Then you must spank her! Yes! You must give her a good spanking! And after the spanking, the oral sex!” He made humping motions in the air, like he was riding a bucking bronco. I made a face at him.
“Get thee to a nunnery: why wouldst thou be a breeder of sinners?” I snarled, indignant.
“Help! Help! I'm being repressed!” Emmett cried, covering his crotch with his hands.
“And wove, twue wove, wiww fowwow you fowevah…” Jasper crooned. I gave him a shove. “I think Bella has a spell on him, Emmett,” he said laughing.
“We have found a witch. May we burn her?” Emmett asked, and received a shove of his own.
“What makes you think she is a witch?” Jasper said as his lips twitched.
“Well, she turned me into a newt,” Emmett replied, thick with a British accent.
“A NEWT?” I shouted.
“I got better,” Emmett choked out, and then he and Jasper were rolling in the grass laughing.
I sighed. We would never hunt if they kept on with this ridiculous torture. “Okay, you win. So are we going to hunt or not?” I said.
Both of them controlled their joviality and rose eagerly. “Who’s going first this time?” I asked.
“Let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed,” Emmett cried, jumping up.
“Death first!!” Jasper shouted. “You started last time — besides,” he glanced at me, “YOU KNOW WHAT A HURRY WE'RE IN!”
I could tell this was going to be a very long day. Emmett’s competitive side was surfacing, though, so there was hope.
“You really think you can find a bear faster than me?” he growled at Jasper.
“There is no greater hunter… I can track a falcon on a cloudy day. I can find a bear.” Jasper now looked at me.
“A victory is twice itself when the achiever brings home full numbers. The honor is your, Jasper.” Finally we might actually get started…
Emmett growled again, but then relented. “Are you ready then?” Jasper nodded. “One… two… five”
“Three, sir,” Jasper replied immediately.
“Three,” Emmett boomed, and Jasper ran off at break-neck speed. Emmett raced after him, and I plopped myself down on a rock, watching the two of them tear down the mountainside. They reached the valley in seconds, but the conversation had made me lose my appetite. Emmett’s jab at my sex life (or lack thereof) had hit home.
I pulled my t-shirt off and held my hand out in front of me, letting the blinding sunlight bounce off of my iridescent skin. Once or twice a day (okay…once or twice a minute) Emmett seemed to get a kick out of suggesting that the only reason I was unwilling to turn Bella into a vampire was that I was afraid of losing my virginity, and that once she was no longer fragile, my excuse would be gone. Idiot. Didn’t he realize that there was a lot more at stake? Morally? Spiritually?
No. Of course he didn’t realize it. He scoffed at my notions of damnation. “You call being married to Rosalie damnation?” he’s once said, incredulously. I smiled, remembering. Well…I actually WOULD consider that damnation, but that’s beside the point.
This everlasting life…this sleepless eternity. Why would Bella wish for this? To roam the earth forever, without rest? Till nothing thrilled anymore, till there was nothing new under the sun, till all her days grew weary, stretched, and thin. Thirsting…always thirsting…waiting for relief that never came…
To die, to sleep no more, I thought, longing for the peaceful drifting that I could never share in Bella’s bed. Could I condemn her to this existence with me?
And by a sleep to say we end the heart-ache, and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to…
That was, of course, the benefit she could gain from the transformation. This continual danger that she seemed to attract would finally end. Her human pain and suffering would come to an end. But it seemed like a poor excuse…trading an eternity in heaven for the unending drudgery of this broken world? Until jaded, she resented me?
To sleep, perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub; for in this sleep of death what dreams may come, when she has shuffled off her mortal coil?
She was infatuated with me, with the raging hormones of an eighteen year old. Rash, unthinking, passionate girl. Couldn’t she see how foolish her choice was?
The calamity of so long a life… who would bear the whips and scorns of time?
I rolled onto my back, agonized at how wrong it was that she insisted on doing what was best for me at the expense of what was right for her. I closed my eyes, letting the sun warm my skin that remained forever cold…so cold.
My brooding was interrupted, however when a boulder the size of a small elephant landed squarely on my chest, blocking out the sun and creating a crater to dent in the mountainside precisely the shape of my body. I heard Emmett and Jasper’s peals of laugher through the rock. Annoyed, I pushed the boulder off of me, launching it into the valley. It smacked into five unsuspecting birds, violently killing them before they even knew what hit them.
Oops, I thought.
“Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?” Emmett said, watching the birds fall from the sky.
“Fezzik? Are there rocks ahead?” Jasper said, draping his arm over Emmett’s Fezzik-like shoulders.
“If there are…all birds will be dead!” Emmett cried, with glee.
“All that lives must die,” I muttered, shrugging. “Passing through nature to eternity.” Emmett pounced on me. He clunked his forehead against mine five times. “Ow!” I complained painlessly.
“I’ve got two empty halves of coconuts and I’m banging them together!” he shouted. I punched him with enough force to send him sailing off the cliff face thirty feet to our right. Jasper raced to the ledge and looked down.
“My God…” he said with a laugh. “He’s climbing.”