He's gone... and he's not coming back. A trip into the Bella's mind, one of those days during Edward's departure. One-shot.
Rating 4/5 Word Count 1132 Review this Chapter
I must be nothing. The world's just spinning and turning and whirling and I'm begging for it to stop, just spinning and turning and whirling, spinning and turning, and spinning, and spinning. But where am I in all this spinning? Just where am I, huh? If I'm something, I must be somewhere. But I'm nowhere. I'm nowhere in all this mayhem and all this chaos and spinning and turning and the whirling around me. And so I'm nothing. Did you hear that? I'm nothing! Ha!
I'm nothing as the world is merciless toward me. I'm nothing as everything grows louder and colder. I'm nothing as everything grows and grows. It's still growing and I feel it growing and I wonder if he feels it too. No. I can't think. I can't think about it.
I'm nothing nothing nothing nothing. I'm wondering and wondering why I can feel when I'm nothing. Does that make me a something then? But then I can't be nothing. No, I'm not a nothing. I'm a something. I must be a something, for nothingness surely can't hurt so much. I must be a something, yes, a something, a something. The pain won't be ripping and tearing if I was a nothing.
I'm a something, a something, I know I'm a something, and suddenly the spinning stops, leaving me somewhere in this world of whiteness. What was it before this whiteness, the blankness, this nothingness around me? I don't know. All I know is that the spinning has stopped like I begged and pleaded and I want nothing more for it to start again, because something's going to happen if it doesn't. I don't even know what will happen, but I don't want it to. I wonder if this has happened before.
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Why is everything pounding? Why are you asking? Why don't I know? Can't you leave me alone? Yes, yes just leave me alone. Back, go away. Away, away, away.
I feel something. I hear something. Somewhere in the back, the very very back of my mind I know that I'm writing, but it isn't me that's moving my hand, the hand that's dutifully finishing that essay someone told me to write. It isn't me that's clutching onto this pencil as if my life depended on it. It isn't me that's thinking about some dead person in history. Who was it? Just who was it that told me? I don't know, and I'm wondering how I don't know when I see that it's my hand that's writing word after word, sentence after sentence, about something I have no clue about. And I don't care.
I don't care. I don't care about this world. I don't care about the people around me, the people that seem to have just popped into my life, into existence. Or did I just notice? No, it's easier to think they just went pop.
Somewhere a voice screams out inside me and I know that it's inside me because no one is noticing this but me. Only me. Why is it always me? It's screaming and screaming, and it hurts, it hurts so much, and I want to cover my ears, cover them to the sound. Just block it out, out, out, but no, my hands won't listen, my body won't move. My hand just keeps writing and scribbling and writing some more.
The voice is still screaming and I'm starting to hear the words. I'm living. I'm living without you. Isn't this what you wanted? Am I dying? No I can't be. This can't be death. Life isn't so nice to give me death.
The hole inside me grows bigger and bigger and I'm screaming and crying somewhere inside this world and I wonder and wonder what I've done to deserve this. Where are you?
Why must I be a something? Why? Why? Why?
It hurts so much to be a something! Someone come! Someone change me back into a nothing. Please I'm begging and I'm crying, so why won't you do this simple thing for me?
Someone's coming into my mind, and I'm scared and begging for that person, that name to leave once more. I'm scared to forget, scared to remember, this phantom, this person that visits my dreams, haunts my mind. He's my heaven and hell all at the same time, the way he runs and slips through my mind over and over again. It hurts too much to remember, but I'm scared I'll forget him, and then I'll really be gone then.
Come on world! Start spinning! He's coming again, and I need you to spin, block him out, block him out!
But of course the world won't listen, and suddenly I'm falling, falling, falling, and I'm disappearing, disappearing, back into the darkness where he isn't there, and I'm falling back into this hole of mine that eats and eats away at me, and I want to scream for him to come back, just come back, take me back in your arms, oh please, just don't leave me behind. But they won't listen, no they won't.
I'm lost, I know I am, and no one can help me but him, that stubborn him that won't come out, that won't come back.
And somehow his name comes out and for a second I let myself remember, let myself through.
And everything stops and I know that I'm still here. I'm alive. I must be because it's stopped, and I hear nothing. I feel nothing but this hole that's still growing larger and larger.
Come back, Edward. Come back. I'm waiting. Don't you remember me? Your old Bella? Come back. I'm still waiting. Can you hear me? Are you coming?
This is when I know he's not coming.
This is when I remember. Every last touch, last kiss, last thought I shared with him.
Every last memory.
And you know what?
It hurts. It hurts just like I knew it would.
And before I know it, I'm locking him up again, to the corners of my mind I banish him.
And everything starts again and I'm back to being a nothing.
I think I'm losing myself a little more.