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TiVo by awsomealice94 Random series of One shots that all have to do with the Cullens and their everyday lives and problems if they were actually living in reality.....even when they take some of their problems to TV

these stories/chapters are really just funny little things i put together. Disclaimer-i own natta ;) oh and yes- I'M BACK!! ;)

1. Today on Oprah...

Rating 4.5/5   Word Count 2565   Review this Chapter

“And we’re starting in three…two…one” the camera men turned all ten cameras on as the sign for the studio audience flashed ‘applause’. Greeting music started to play and the audience did as the sign said. Oprah walked on stage and sat down in her usual pale yellow sofa like every other show. But unlike every other show, the guests weren’t exactly human.

“Welcome,” she paused as the sign turned off the ‘applause’ and the audience obediently stopped, “welcome to the show. Today we have some very special guests, and their names are the Cullen’s.” She said to the cameras.

“Now their story is rather different from most dysfunctional family’s that you hear of, for they have a few complications. Let’s take a look.” She gestured to the closest flat screen TV and turned her head so that she could watch the video for the hundredth time.

The TV’s screen shifted so that it showed about 8 people sitting in what looked like a living room. They all looked different, but all had the same alabaster skin and topaz eyes, even with small dark circles under their eyes-like they didn’t get much sleep. And they had the most perfect and white teeth.

“I’m Alice.” A tiny teenager with spiky black hair said to the camera.

“I’m Jasper.” A taller handsome blond said as he had his arm around Alice. He didn’t exactly look like he wanted to be on the show, like he was mostly doing it for Alice.

“I’m Rosalie.” A breathtakingly beautiful (what looked to be 20 years old) girl said.

“I’m Emmett.” The strongest man said out of the eight people. He also had his arm around Rosalie.

“I’m Esme.” Now she looked to be around thirty years old, and from what you could tell by looking at her smile and her appearance she seemed to be very loving. She brushed her light brown hair out of her face as she talked. She looked like she was the mother of the family.

“I’m Carlisle.” He was also blond, but looked to be around Esme’s age. He must have been the father, for he was holding Esme’s hand.

“I’m Edward.” A bronze haired teenager said from more to the right of the screen. He was laughing at something, perhaps the camera man?

“And I’m Bella.” Now this girl wasn’t as breathtakingly beautiful as the rest, for she was pale but not alabaster colored. She had dark brown eyes, and blushed as she said her name. But she was pretty, all the same. Edward was holding her in his lap. She looked more…human like then the rest.

“We’re the Cullen’s.” They all said in unison. Jasper and Edward looked at each other and tried not to crack up laughing.

The TV now shifted to a scene of Carlisle Cullen talking to the camera in a private interview. “We like to think of ourselves as a normal family, though that’s quite a stretch. You see, we are vampires. Although, we don’t kill humans, we are vampires all the same,” He explained, “it’s a minor complication in our everyday lives.”

Now it switched to Rosalie Cullen in a private interview. “You know, I never wanted to be a vampire. I wanted to be a normal human. I had everything going for me, the guy, the money, the beauty-but it all stopped with one horrible night gone wrong.” She said, until Carlisle came back on the TV.

“Rosalie probably has the hardest time coping with what she is, but she would have died-she had so much going for her, so much greatness to come. I couldn’t just leave her in the middle of the street to die. That’s not the person I am.” He explained.

“Sure, I might have died-okay so there is no ‘might’ about it,” Rosalie came back to her interview and rolled her eyes, “but still. Sometimes I do wish I was human again, sometimes I wish I was normal. You can think I am vain, but I assure you that’s not the case.” She said to the camera, towards the TV screen.

“It’s just that Rosalie can be so vain sometimes! It’s like she doesn’t even know her husband is standing in the same room as she.” Emmett Cullen exclaimed to the camera in his own interview.

“I believe some of the family thinks that they can step all over me because I am so small-but they have no idea. I can see it coming,” Alice Cullen said to the camera in her own interview, though now she whispered, “perhaps that’s why they think that-they might just be jealous.” She said.

“And you have no idea how hard it is to go through and feel people’s emotions! It drives me crazy sometimes. Especially when one of the members is pissed off about something.” Jasper Cullen nodded to the camera, “Like Edward.”

“I can’t help if my emotions get a little out of control-I know Jasper can get annoyed by it. But that’s his fault-he is the one after all who had to get that stupid power! He shouldn’t be talking-hearing people’s thoughts is like having a private radio in your head, always blasting and never turning off-and also knowing WAY to much information about your family members intimate lives.” Edward Cullen said to the camera. The scene now shifted to Bella Swan.

“Sometimes I feel like I am an outsider-I’m not a vampire. And though I would like to be-Edward protests constantly- I’m not. I do get rather annoyed when Alice can always see what I am doing, or when Jasper always feels what I am feeling-I feel bad for him when I have PMS, you know. And Rosalie-what is her problem with me?” she asked.

“I believe that all Carlisle and I want the most is for everyone to just get along-we are a family. Is that too much to ask?” Esme Cullen asked. Then the TV screen turned off.

Cameras on the set were directed back to Oprah. “Well, we defiantly have some things to go through, don’t we?” Oprah asked the studio audience as they nodded their heads.

“And the only way we are going to do that is to bring out…The Cullen’s everyone!” Oprah motioned to the side of the stage. Everyone clapped as the Applause button lit up and the family made their way to the pale yellow sofas.

The Cullen’s made themselves situated as the clapping died down. The applause sign turned off and Oprah turned to them, a curious look on her face.

“So let’s just get to it here; Rosalie has a problem sometimes with being a vampire, more than others. Jasper finds it hard to cope with his power,” all the while the Cullen’s nodded yes as she continued, “Alice feels that since she is the smallest she gets picked on the most and that the other family members may feel jealous because of her power to see the future.” Alice piped in before Oprah could continue.

“And also I feel that they sometimes ask to much of me.” She pointed out in her high soprano voice. Rosalie rolled her eyes, “It’s all about the drama for you, sis.” She muttered.

Oprah, pretending she didn’t hear Rosalie’s comment, continued, “alright, Carlisle and Esme just want the family to get along, Edward you find that it is hard to have your power of mind reading and that sometimes you know too much information about your family then needed,” Edward shook his head yes, “Bella, you just want so desperately to become a vampire and be a part of this family a little more then you already are, and Emmett you sound like your rather needy.” The audience giggled at that, and Emmett spoke up.

“I’m not needy-that makes me sound like a five year old! You were right on until that! All I ask is that my wife acknowledges me when I am in the room, and that some people in the family can see me as something more other then muscles.” Emmett exclaimed.

“Oh excuse me? Your wife acknowledges you all the time-like last night for instance.” Rosalie snapped. Emmet looked like he couldn’t argue with that.

“And you’re not the only one who has muscles.” Jasper pointed out as Edward and Carlisle nodded in agreement. Alice, Esme, and Bella stayed quite.

“Well this is a simple fix, Rosalie pay attention to Emmett just a little bit more, and Emmett you need to show that you are more than just muscles.” Oprah suggested as Emmett and Rosalie crossed their arms but nodded.

“But other than Emmet, did I get everyone’s issues right?” she asked the Cullen’s.

“Yes.” Esme said, acting as the spokes person for the family and this question.

“Alright. So let’s tackle Rosalie’s issues.” She suggested.

“Do we have to use the word ‘issues’? It makes me sound like I have some mental problems.” Rosalie explained.

“We could use ‘problems’ if that helps.” Oprah suggested again.

“That’s a little bit better.” Rose nodded.

“So you have a problem with being a vampire.” Oprah stated.

“Not so much as being a vampire in general-I like my life, I really do. I get to be a part of this family and I get to have a loving husband. It’s just sometimes…I would just give anything to have what Bella has. To grow old with Emmett and have kids with Emmett…I feel like I am missing out on that.” She explained.

“But think about how many people would give anything to have the life you have.” Oprah pointed out. Rosalie thought about that for a second and shrugged,“I suppose you’re right.” She mumbled.

“You still have a lot of things going for you; don’t let anyone or even you think otherwise.” Oprah told her as she nodded again. Emmett took her hand.

“Alright, so now let’s move on to Jasper. Can you explain to me in your own words why you wanted to be on this show?” she asked him.

“Well, it was mostly Esme that wanted us to be on this show. But I do have a problem with feeling what everyone is feeling. I mean sometimes, there are just some certain times where feeling what other people are feeling really disturbs you. For instance last night, when I was trying to read…And Emmett and Rosalie…” he shuddered.

“Is there any way you can try and block some of that out?” Oprah asked.

“I suppose there is a small way, but blocking it out is like having it there-not totally invisible, not as vivid-but washed out. I honestly don’t know how to describe it.” Jasper tried to explain.

“Well, you received this gift for a reason-because you can handle it. Try your best, and perhaps the family could take it easy on the huge and emotional stuff around you.” Oprah said.

“Alice, what about you?” she asked.

“Oh, what about me? I’m small, so I feel the family might like to take advantage of that. You could say I am the baby of the family-well not literally because Bella is the youngest, but still,” she said, “I see the future. A cool power I must admit. But sometimes it can back fire on you. Sometimes I can see things I really don’t want to see. And sometimes certain family members,” she gave a stern look at Edward as he pretended not to notice, “ask too much of me.” She explained.

Suddenly Edward covered his ears, “Alice, my god! Stop screaming!” Edward told her.

“I’m not screaming.” She said it like a five year old would say to her brother ‘I’m not touching you’ when her finger was centimeters away from poking him.

“In your head you are.” Edward accused.

“Alice.” Esme warned. Edward’s hands came off his ears, and Alice stopped.

“Aright there is a rather simple fix to your problems Alice. And it all lies within the family.” Alice hid a smirk.

“I don’t think that you all walk over Alice, am I correct?” she asked the Cullen’s. They all nodded,

“We love Alice.” Bella spoke up.

“You see, Alice. That part was all in your head.” She explained to her. Alice’s smirk vanished.

“Now Edward, and this goes for the rest of you as well,” she gestured to all of the family members as Edward perked up, “Lay off of Alice.” The audience clapped.

“Can you all do that?” she asked them. They nodded reluctantly.

“Alright then.” She nodded back.

“Edward, we are moving on to you.” That was his signal to describe his problems.

“I can hear people’s thoughts. Like jasper, you can’t block it out fully. When I ‘turn it off’ if you will, it’s like hearing static in the background of your head. It never will go away. But it is bad to hear people’s thoughts because those sorts of things are private. I don’t like hearing them as much as people don’t like me hearing their thoughts. In this family, there is no such thing as private. Everyone knows everything about each other. But still, it would be nice to not know everything. An example would be when your camera men came to our home to do some of the intro shots. Jasper and I were laughing because of what one of them was thinking and feeling. We won’t go into details; all I will say is that it was something with Rosalie.” Jasper and Edward chuckled as Emmett looked like he was going to punch somebody.

“Well, again you were given that gift for a reason, and you can control it rather well.” She said. Edward raised his eyebrows in surprise,

“That was quick.” He muttered. And no help, I knew she was a total fake he thought.

“We’re on a time limit here, buddy.” Oprah muttered back before turning to Bella.

“Bella, why don’t we go on to you?” Bella blushed but continued.

“I am human. I feel that sometimes I am not in the ‘pack’, that I am a ‘lone wolf’.” Edward looked disgusted,

“Please, darling, don’t ever use the terms ‘pack’ and ‘lone wolf’ again.” She rolled her eyes.

“I just feel as though I am not in the loop. This family has no secrets, as Edward said. What with all of the powers that everyone has and the amazing hearing. I just wish that I could be a part of that too. I want to be a part of this family in the ‘vampire’ way too.” She explained.

“Bella, I told you-you don’t want this.” Edward told her.

“Well, it seems to me that Bella does know what she wants. And if she loves you, Edward, you need to respect her and her needs. You feel left out, Bella, I get that. Edward, it’s up to you to change that.” Oprah said as the audience clapped.

“Says the fake.” Edward said under his breath. No one could hear him except for the family. Emmett nodded once at Edward.

“And Carlisle and Esme, I was saving you two for last. With all of the problems we hopefully sorted out, your problems should be solved too.” Oprah said as Carlisle and Esme nodded.

“Thank you for this.” Esme said.

“Anytime.” Oprah nodded and smiled.

“Coming up after this short break-an author who might just be the next J.K Rowling. Thanks for watching and we will be back shortly.”Oprah said to the camera as once again the audience clapped and music came on.