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TiVo by awsomealice94 Random series of One shots that all have to do with the Cullens and their everyday lives and problems if they were actually living in reality.....even when they take some of their problems to TV

these stories/chapters are really just funny little things i put together. Disclaimer-i own natta ;) oh and yes- I'M BACK!! ;)

2. And the winner is....

Rating 5/5   Word Count 1846   Review this Chapter

You would be surprised how many times a day vampires have simply nothing to do.

And for Jasper, nothing to do was an understatement.

Jasper was just simply….bored.

He sighed and opened his lap top so he could set it on his desk. He looked around as the computer was turning on; Pink walls surrounded him, for that was the color of Alice and Jasper’s room. Jasper had told Alice to pick whatever color made her happy-never again will he let her pick out a color by herself. Paint in her hands was a deadly thing. He sighed again…finally the lap top was ready.

Remember and keep something in mind-Jasper WAS BORED.

And he did what any bored modern day vampire would do…he decided to Google himself. He typed in ‘Jasper Hale’, and waited with curious eyes. Those curious golden eyes got bigger as he looked at everything that came up. There must have been at least 100 pages just on his name. He clicked the first one-It was something from Wickipedia-

Personal History

Jasper Hale, formally known as Jasper Whitlock, was born in 1843 and grew up in Houston, Texas. In 1859 when he was almost seventeen, he lied about his age, stating he was 20, and joined the Confederate States Army to serve in the Civil War . He quickly rose through the ranks, and became the youngest Major in the Confederate Army . Jasper was turned into a vampire in 1863 by a vampire named Maria, when he was 20 years old. Maria was fighting a territorial war for claim on the big cities in the south, such as Mexico City , since larger cities allow for more feeding without being noticed by humans or the Volturi (who could be described as the Vampire High Council and act to keep the vampire world unnoticed by the human population). Jasper was turned because Maria recognized that he was high-ranking in the army, and therefore that he already had some knowledge of combat skills. She wanted a strong male vampire who could fight alongside her. When Maria found out about his peculiar ability to control the emotions of those around him, and calm an entire room of extremely volatile new-born vampires, she found him even more useful.

He gaped at the computer screen. What the hell?

How did these people know so much about him? And more importantly, how could they get this-

Personality Jasper could be mistaken for cold because of his highly analytical and military mindset.

-out of his personality??? Either he had a stalker, or one of the family members posted this as a very stupid prank. It had to be….


He growled under his breath.

“Emmett, you’re under suspicion.” Edward informed him as they both played video games in Edward’s room.

“Whatever it is-I didn’t do it.” He announced to the family, of who could all hear him.

“You didn’t post anything on the internet about Jasper, did you?” Edward asked for Jasper.

‘No-that would be stupid.” He said to Edward.

“Exactly why Jasper thought it was you.” Edward said to him.

“I’m telling you, I didn’t post anything about Jasper.” He said.

‘He’s telling the truth.” Edward said to Jasper, who was still upstairs.

So Emmett was ruled out, which only meant one thing-he had a stalker. He looked to his right and left. Could the stalker be in the same room as him? No-he would know. There was one name that seemed to come up a lot on the internet page-Stephenie Meyer. Was she his stalker??

He clicked the link that took him to Stephenie Meyer’s site. Apparently she was an author-of the series called ‘The Twilight Saga’.

And he was a character inside of it.


He shuddered.

Obviously there has been a mix up he thought, I’m not a fictional character-I’m REAL.

He shook his head, he would have to figure and sort this all out later. For now, because he was still bored, he continued to poke around her site. There was a link to ‘Fan sites’. So, he clicked it.

It was then that he discovered it.

There were hundreds of fan sites just for people that he knew. So how many did he have? He looked through the whole thing-12.


What was that? Some type of joke? He obviously was the best looking vampire in the family, and yet he only got 12? It was the personality part on Wikipedia-it must have changed people’s minds, brainwashed them with false facts he thought angrily to himself.

“What’s wrong, sweetie?” Alice asked Jasper as she walked in.

“Can you believe this? We all have fan sites! Every Cullen has at least one of them! And every human knows everything about me! Probably about all of us…and we apparently have this stalker named Stephenie Meyer who is fallowing us around. This would COMPLETELY explain how the Volturi knew so much.” He told her, all in one breath. She looked at him like he had dementia.

“Sweetheart, perhaps some fresh air would be good for you, instead of staying in this room. If you stay on a computer to long you start to go crazy.” So that last part was a lie-but she needed to get him away from it. She had to give him credit, he sounded pretty convincing, and that must have taken a while to make up.

“No, I’m serious, Love. It says it right here!” he pointed to the computer screen. She walked up to it uncertainly.

“What the…?” she trailed off as she looked at all of the names.

“And look at this.” He pulled up his Wikipedia page and clicked on a link that took them to Alice’s Wikipedia page instead.

Vampire Traits

Alice has enhanced strength and speed due to her vampire status. Though petite, she is a capable fighter due to her agility and speed. Alice carried her human ability to read the future into her vampire life, and uses this to her advantage during battles (as seen in Eclipse) and throughout her day-to-day life.

She giggled, “I have agility and speed.” She said. All it needs to have is incredibly perfect and beautiful and they have me down she thought. Jasper looked up at her, and she came back to reality.

“Well, I can’t argue with what it says…but….how…?” she could not believe people knew so much about her. If a kid from Forks goes on here-everything was over.

“Stalker-I’m telling you, it’s that Stephenie Meyer!” Jasper exclaimed. Alice nodded in agreement.

“We better call the rest of the family up to see this.” She suggested. Suddenly, most of them were in the room. Bella and Edward walked in last.

“Hi, Bella! When did you get here?” Alice asked her, becoming off topic again.

“About a minute ago.” She answered. Alice nodded her head. Jasper cleared his voice, and Alice once again came back. Sometimes I wonder if she’s the one with dementia Jasper thought. Edward coughed back a chuckle.

After a menacing look at Edward and Jasper, Alice explained everything with Jasper that they uncovered to the family.

“We should delete everything-Edward; you are good at the technical stuff with computers, right?” Emmett proposed. Edward nodded once.

“Okay, so hack in and delete it. As for the book part…” Emmett shook his head-he had no idea how they could fix this.

“It’s a book-people will think of it as fictional anyways. And even if a kid comes up to you and asks you if you’re a vampire, just look at them weird or something-say no. they will feel like idiots after anyways.” Rosalie said.

“That will work, I suppose.” Carlisle nodded in agreement.

“You say that there are fan sites, yes?” Esme asked, curiosity rolling off of her. Jasper felt it and nodded.

“Are there any for me?” she asked him.

“Yes, there are.” He nodded.

“How many?” she asked him.

“Um…7. I think.” He responded.

“7! That’s a lot. I must be well liked.” She exclaimed. That’snot exactly a lot…Jasper thought.

“How many do I have, Jasper?” Rosalie asked him. She had to have many-she was the prettiest one here-they all stood no chance.

“You have 10.” Jasper quickly counted.

“Only 10?” she asked. He nodded, feeling disappointment from her. At least it’s more than Esme. She thought.

“I say we make a little friendly competition with this-whoever has the most fan sites wins.” Emmett proposed.

Exactly what Jasper needed to get his mind off boredom, “I’m in,” Jasper nodded eagerly.

“Okay then. Let’s do it. How many does Carlisle have?” Alice asked Jasper, grabbing a notepad from Jasper’s desk and writing down Rosalie and Esme’s numbers.

“He has 9.” Jasper said. I defiantly lost, oh well; this is fun for the kids at least. Carlisle thought.

“And Emmett?” Alice asked.

“I bet I have the most.” Emmett was convinced he would win. Rosalie was pretty, but too vain. Esme and Carlisle were to…parent like. Alice was a pest sometimes, and Jasper was to quite. Edward was WAY too stubborn, and Bella was human. It was a dead giveaway that he would win. After all, he was everyone’s friendly teddy bear, right?

“You have 15.” Jasper said to Emmett.

“YES!!!” he exclaimed. He had the most so far. Alice rolled her eyes,

“And how about you, sweetie?” Alice asked Jasper.

“I have 12.” He said annoyingly as Emmett chuckled in delight.

“Oh, it’s alright, Jazz.” Alice patted his shoulder before asking, “How many fan sites do I have?” I mean come on! I can see the flipping future for crying out loud! And I have amazing fashion sense; I’ll win by a land slide. Alice thought. She didn’t even try to have a vision-the answer was too obvious.

“You have 20, dear.” He said to her.

“What? I DEAMAND A RECOUNT!” Emmett exclaimed as Rosalie nodded in agreement-how could her oaf of a husband get more than she did? Jasper shook his head,

“I’m right.” He simply told him.

“How about Bella?” Alice asked. Bella was surprised she was even in this ‘friendly competition.’ But still, she was curious.

“Bella has 27.” Jasper said to Alice. By that time the whole family was crowded around his lap top. Alice pouted once, but smiled at Bella. I was beat by a HUMAN? These people are obviously deranged, Rosalie thought.

“Wow.” Bella whispered in surprise.

“And last but not least- Eddy over here?” Alice asked Jasper. Alice knew Edward hated ‘eddy’ but with Bella in the room he didn’t growl.

“Edward, you are ridicules.” Jasper muttered, shaking his head. Edward smirked at the family, reading Jasper’s thoughts.

“And the winner is….Edward. He has 32 fan sites. All of them are just about him.” Jasper announced.

“But how?” Emmett asked, looking like a kid who just dropped his ice cream cone.

“Well, look at me? How could I not?” Edward said to Emmett.

“I can think of a few reasons.” Emmett said to him.

“Boys.” Esme warned. They stopped.

The competition was over

And again

Jasper was bored.