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18 Shades of Grey

Summary:
[post-eclipse] Bella and Edward's wedding has finally come, and yet, Bella's having difficulties facing the loss of life and age. More than anything, she wishes that Edward could somehow grow old with her, though she'd rather live with her love than lose him. However, on the night of their wedding - after one last human experience is taken - Bella's transformation goes horribly wrong. Frightened for her sanity, the Cullen family abduct the savage new vampire. How will Edward's already fraying heart cope with his bloodthirsty new wife? Will Jacob Black ever return for the girl he loved - or once loved? And one question remains: Can a vampire ever have a child? *CHAPTER TWO IS UP!* [R&R please] banner by me!


Notes:
Disclaimer: Just a fan. Don't own any Twilight stuff :D R&R please


3. Metamorphose

Rating 4.5/5   Word Count 1853   Review this Chapter

Fear was irrational.

That had been my one constant thought throughout these years; fear was something that distorted reality, that turned any possibility into an impossibility. For these passing days, I had battled it constantly, and yet it had lived upon my shoulders no matter how much I tossed and turned; a dark shadow that refused to let go. And now I was beginning to wonder – was the reason I couldn't shake it so thoroughly due to the fact that a part of me, even if it was the smallest speck of consciousness, was clinging to that fear? It seemed irrational. It was irrational. And yet I sat here, hands clasped into an oppresive fist that hung lifelessly in my lap, my head tilted downwards, the weight of my unwelcome companion bearing down upon me. I tilted my head up slightly, although my eyes didn't quite seek out my prey.

That night - how was it possible that I felt empty and craving more, more life, more, more, more than ever before? It felt like my life was draining out of a hole in me, memories, emotions, recollections and instincts pooling on the ground below me. Each passing moment only leaked more life, only brought the fear to cling tighter to my shoulders. This is stupid,I told myself firmly, gazing down at my hands. They were clenched; idiotic, I reminded myself - into one large fist, knuckles white and standing out like ridges against my pale skin. It seemed like not only was my humanity leaking out of me, but my blood was as well; I no longer felt the hot rush of blood to my cheeks. Was this even possible?, I wondered crazily, to transform myself on my own will? Was it? I studied my hands even harder now - could I mentally will them to be snow pale, mentally change my physique, my whole being? What would change, and what wouldn't? I bit down hard upon my tongue, refusing to let it ramble on; I tasted blood.

I didn't smell it. I felt it upon my lips, felt the ruby red drops glisten upon the tip of my tongue. Hot blood, filled with both life and pain. It was salty, and I swallowed with difficulty, the now-lukewarm liquid sliding down my throat easily. The taste ... I hadn't savoured that. I shuddered involuntarily, and then pulled at my shoulders, holding my shape together; I would not let anyone see, least of all the one I trusted - the one I'd trusted with my life the night before. The sensation, however, of hot blood rushing down my throat ... it was strange. It wasn't something I yet savoured, and yet it was something that could be done. Like a hot cup of cocoa, I reasoned with myself. But that wasn't enough - I knew I was only lying with reason's voice. Blood was far from cocoa; cocoa was mass-produced, and while blood existed everywhere ... I forced back another shudder at the notion of draining a body of it's own indivdidual bloodstream.

"Bella?"

I glanced up now; Edward sat before me. When had he opened the blinds? This room was the harshest of all; the furniture unfamiliar, my surroundings too typical to be special. The blinds, I thought again, why blinds? Through their slanted sides the light danced unevenly through the room, making me feel disoriented after my night, a night that had seemed to have a set path. There were only two occupants of the room - Edward, and I. Edward stood before me, his height against my sitting posture only too representative of his role. I was there - I had no part to play, except not to feel. I rose my eyes to his, ignoring the uneven flash of diamond light where the rays of sun hit his bare chest. I would have stood and risen to meet him, yet the simple positions seemed too fragile to risk changing. Each second, each last moment, was precious to me. And yet, why had Edward insisted upon this room? I refused to turn my face away from the uneven scattering of light upon his chest; maybe if I stared hard enough, the whole thing would seem surreal, a passing memory. Edward was only to be perfect, whole. His house, his family - a world of sweet comfort and reliability. Maybe that was why he had brought me here to this room, exposed himself to the broken pattern of light; to lull me into a false sense of security.

"Edward." I murmured.

Fear was irrational. My eyes glittered, and I blinked impatiently; tears were irrational.

Challenging the silence of the room, I stood, and made my way to him in a few swift steps. He didn't pull away. I stopped a moment away from him; he was so close, and yet, so far away. Each minute with him, now, was only killing my humanity; the thing I had neither loved nor loathed, the thing which had kept him neither sane nor insane. I didn't move, my eyes resting level with his chest, watching the abstract pattern of glittering lights. I saw it rise unconcsiously, and almost winced away; the reminder that sooner or later, I would only feign breathing, was almost .... I stopped myself there, once more, and placed a hand upon his cool chest. I felt the muscles underneath my fingers relax, and then I had thrown myself into him headfirst. It was like crashing into a stone statue, but it was Edward. His arms circled around me, crushing me into his muscular frame. For once he wasn't hesitating, and neither was I; I drowned myself in his overwhelming presence. Maybe that death would be quicker and preferable. His arms strained further still, twined furiously around the small of my back, and I gasped; he was nearly crushing the breath out of me. His hand seized my chin, and jerked it upwards; I had never felt this much energy in him.

Our eyes met. His were distant, and yet blazed with a fury I couldn't quite recall. Mine ... I could see nothing of in the pure emotion in his eyes.

Our lips met in a silent kiss. His were strong and dominated what little space we had between us; moving in desperate words against mine, words he would never sound out for fear of throwing me away. I let him speak against my mouth, not quite hearing what he said; only feeling the smooth sensation. The cold against my body, against my lips, was numbing. Whatever pain I may have suffered was eradicated underneath that touch. His arms moved around me further still, comforting me with the cool cushioning of his touch. His hands wound into my hair, pushing it into messy dissaray; and in only a few moments, that would all cease to matter. The kiss could only last so long. The day couldn't be brought to a standstill. But Edward - and his love - was eternal. My eyes, wide and brilliant, staring into the sheer snow of his skin, closed. He pulled me further in, his lips travelling to my forehead in a light touch. I didn't like it - this closing bow of his would only be brought into my new world with hatred. And yet, he handled me so lightly, like a doll. I tugged at his arm, and knowing what I wanted, he bent. He traced my nose with his lips, and then, finally, my mouth; a kiss too sweet to be goodbye.

It reminded me of the night. A brilliant flush stained my features. Edward chuckled, pulling away only centimeters, his topaz eyes iridiscent and locked upon mine.

"You're my Bella. Remember that." he whispered.

And then, in a swift motion, his lips were at my throat. I had savored this moment in my dreams for months now; the sweet feeling of pain and love mingled in one, the knowledge that I would never die while I was in Edward's arms. And it was better than that. His cool lips caressed the warm skin of my throat for a moment, and I felt my life pump furiously under the skin, calling to him. I couldn't hep it; I closed my eyes. With Edward, there had never been any pain. With Edward, I could do anything- My rambling was cut off halfway by the slight sensation of his entrance, him being within me in a way that would preserve us, keep us together forever. And yet, it hurt; a sharp stinging throughout my body, a subtle ache that ravaged the side of my throat he'd chosen, a weakness springing from the wound he'd created. I kept my eyes closed. Each moment of this pain was priceless. No matter how much I ached, no matter how much blood I knew would slowly cease to be in me, it had been what I had asked for. I locked my mind then; I was resolved. I refused to let my human fear know of the key dangling on the door to my mind. It would never seek entrance, not while we kept fear at bay. Insecurity no longer had any place with me - or us. I felt the gentle thumping of my heart slow, and let my rigid frame relax into the contour of Edward's grip. He was no longer within me, and while the ache, the slow lapse of consciousness was still there, it'd be okay.

He was Edward. If only I had had the power to change myself with words, then it would've been possible for all pain to be bypassed. But we had known that wouldn't be the way. Edward - Edward - he'd protect me. I couldn't imagine how he wouldn't. No matter what bloodlust I endured, no hatred of the world, he'd be there; the one pill to my insanity. I wouldn't be afraid. I couldn't be afraid. Fear had no place in this new life - only love and eternity did. If it was Edward, I would be safe. I felt the cool of his hand grasp for mine, and I tangled my fingers ni his. The fire now burning through me was doused by his touch, and I thought to myself; that was how it would be. No pain or adversity would touch me while Edward was nearby. He, that glorious, glowing god, was someone I could count on. Each moment with him was precious. I pressed my head into the place where I envisioned his chest to be, and sighed as the ice of his frame comforted me. He was rocking me now, gently, as if not to upset the natural process. My eyes were still closed, but I heard him speak.

"I love you, Bella."

It was what I wanted - the snow to cool the fire within me.

"Me too." I murmured sleepily.

His laugh was the thing that sent me to sleep, rocked between ice and fire, ice and fire.