Edward sits outside a lake at midnight, when he notices his reflection is missing something. There, he contemplates his feelings for the angel that saved him, the one who introduced him to a love that he never knew could exist.
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Bella was missing.
Her reflection next to mine was what I needed, what I craved.
My reflection itself seemed lonely, isolated. Just as I was for those decades, only oblivious to it. Just as I was during those long torturous months I did spend alone, without anyone. Even though it had been almost a year since I'd made that hideous decision to leave her, the events were still fresh on my mind. Still I have no idea what was running through my mind when I decided to leave the one person who made my existence worthwhile.
No, that's not the complete truth.
I do know.
It was for her that I made the decision. For her safety. For her life.
No matter how heart wrenching it was to tell her that I did not want her, I assumed it was for the best. I would rather have to go through the painful transformation of my kind once more before having to see the look on her face. It alone was enough to break my heart. At first, I believed that I could not do it. After all, who could break the heart of an angel who had done no wrong?
If I had not left, I knew I would be guilt ridden for all eternity, knowing I had put her in such danger. She had done nothing wrong to deserve such, and I had done nothing right to deserve her. I thought that by leaving, Bella would be rid of our dangerous existence. Or exceeding danger than everyday life, that is. Unfortunately, I was wrong, when young Jacob Black was revealed to belong to a pack of Werewolves.
Every day I am thankful that Bella saved me that day in Italy, and every day I shall continue to thank the heavens. No matter my being damned, I shall continue to be with Bella, my own personal angel. I remind her of that every single day. I shall not leave her again, for I believe it would be too unbearable for both of us this time.
My heart aches every time I hear her ask of becoming a vampire. I do not deserve such devotion, nor does she deserve such a fate. No one deserves to have to live a life of eternity, wrecked with the temptation to take another's life, no matter how innocent they might be. To know that every time she looked at a newborn, or a small child, she would have the threat to drain them dry.
She has far too much to lose to choose this lifestyle. Every human-esque quality that I love so dearly about her, would disappear forever. When she would be embarrassed, I would no longer see the flushing pink fill her cheeks. Her awkward stumbling would be replaced by gracefulness. The color of her beautiful brown eyes that mesmerize me will be long gone, replaced by a fierce red. The softness, the innocence will leave her. In its place will be a hunger, a thirst. Could I be so cruel and selfish to condemn an angel to a lifetime of damnation?
I wish I could say no to that.
Despite my arguments, I know that Bella will not live forever. She will die, it hurts just to hear that sentence. If it were at all possible without condemning her, I would find any way I could to spare Bella any pain such as death. It is a part of life, but nothing would please me more than spending eternity with her. Though, that is not possible. Either Bella dies in years and I follow her shortly after (which I would prefer), or I end her life far too early, giving her a brand new one.
Unfortunately, I cannot deny an angel any request. I just wish she would allow much more time. There are so many human experiences she has yet to have, so many I had wished for, but was never given the ability of choice. And she is throwing it all away, everything. Her life, her family, her friends. For me. Is it wrong that her choice of that fills me with joy?
I know it is wrong of me. She deserves much more than me, an old vampire. She deserves someone who can live just as she does, someone who can grow old with her. Someone that can give her children. As much as I hate to say it, someone like Jacob Black. I would rather her not choose to be with another creature, especially one so unstable, I fear she would be in much more danger then than she was now. But if it was what Bella wished, I would allow it in a heartbeat. Sometimes I wish she did choose another, someone better suited for her.
It was almost midnight, and I still sat outside, staring at my reflection. I knew it wouldn't be long, and Bella would notice I had left her bed. Though, I still stayed, glued to the reflection, wishing it were no more than one of an ordinary human. If it were at all possible, rather than give her eternity, I would give myself humanity. Forever leaving immortality, I would become human so that I could do with Bella whatever I please. It pains me to know that I cannot do much more than kiss her, knowing I wish to be closer.
Oh, how I wished I could give her a kiss that wasn't hesitant, for fear of the venom in my teeth. I wish so dearly that I could give her intimacy that didn't have me craving to kill her every second. A closeness only humans could experience, or two of the same creatures. A love that wasn't lethal, a soul that wasn't damned.
She still pushes for me to try things, but I cannot afford to. As many times that I tell her, she still does not comprehend just how fragile she is underneath my grip. And with that, I cannot afford to push my limits. There is nothing I can do without fear of hurting her.
But oh, the feeling she inspires in my heart makes everything worth it. Never had I known this feeling was even capable, especially of a creature such as I, but she showed me otherwise. Bella showed me that someone so isolated as myself could learn to love another, a love that I never new existed. And I thank her for that.
"Edward?" A rustling from the bush behind me revealed Bella, looking extremely tired in her pajamas. I stifled a chuckle. "What are you doing out here?"
I shook my head. "Nothing, just thinking. I'm sorry I left you," I apologized.
Shaking her head, she yawned again. I admired her beauty. Even half asleep in the middle of the night, she managed to look breathtaking. "It's okay. How long have you been out here?"
"About an hour, I was just about to come back, any ways." I could practically hear her blood calling for me, telling me to take her life. I heard her heart beating inside her chest, making me believe it was one of the most beautiful noises I had ever heard.
A smile came across her face, as she placed her delicate hands on my shoulders. "What are you looking at?" She smirked, looking down into the water. I smiled, our reflections were together. They fit together almost perfectly.
"I was just gazing, I guess. I was thinking about you," I answered honestly. I rose from my seat on the ground, leading her back home by my hand. She nodded, intertwining our hands.
Glancing at my angel, I smiled. Oh, how I loved her. Just by looking at the perfect creature beside me, I don't see how anyone could not understand why I held her so dear to me.
My love for Bella kept my resistance stronger than ever. The strain to be around her was near unbearable, but I withheld. My resistance was very consuming, it took much energy to withstand her intoxicating scent.
The Volturi had not experienced one who kept from their singer in a way that I had. And I agree with them, it was and still is very hard. Every day I hear her blood, smell it, and hear her beautiful heart pounding in her chest. Her heart proves to me that I will not be very upset from abstaining, knowing that I keep it.
Yes, the Volturi were correct in a sense. I may keep my thirst from the most delicious creature to come across, the taste of my singer's blood.
But in return, I received so much more.