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The Falling

Summary:
In the action itself, she is weightless and free. The flight is not to be feared, only the impact. A story on the life of Esme Cullen. Image Hosted by ImageShack.us Banner By incredible Iris!

Notes:
I may submit this to the official site. What do you think?

66. Chapter 66

Rating 5/5   Word Count 593   Review this Chapter

The flight is not to be feared,

Now I stand at the cliff’s edge, looking down at the rocky ledge below. It is not the misery that fuels this choice. It is the infinite emptiness.

The emptiness in my heart, the emptiness of the future, the emptiness of the long fall below.

They suit each other. It is no more than the natural choice to make, this leap, this last move.

People say suicide is a weakling’s choice, a move to escape pain.

I have known pain. At the hands of Charles Evenson, and of endless days of waiting for the Carlisle Cullen who will never return.

I never seriously considered this.

No Juliet, I said once. I am no Juliet. I will live my life with or without love.

But my son was not some girl’s passing fancy. He is not love. He is a reason. A purpose. I will not live without a purpose. How can I breathe out my natural days? I have no family, no friends, no one.

Charles is coming after me, and I have no strength left to flee, no reason to run from town to town in order to find a safe haven and… what? Live there, just as alone as I am here? Nothing will make a difference.

I am alone, utterly, and permanently. The fierce love I felt for my little one is still raging hot as a fire, but it is directionless. It burns me from the inside out, tearing me apart because I have no one left to love.

I could stay here and make a difference to children like Mandy. But Charles is coming, and he will take me away, drag me by my hair to live locked in his house forever.

I won’t survive that again.

I don’t want to.

I don’t want to live. I simply have no desire to go on existing.

Yes, the pain is crushing me, this vast sense of aching agony, of the old loss of my love I repressed for so long, of the new hole my son once filled.

But it is the nothing that is worst. I am utterly and totally nothing. I have no drive. No purpose. No soul. Nothing to live for.

And the future is just as dim. Carlisle was my only chance for a child of my own. I know now, with an instinct surer than time, that I will never have another. How could I, when I’m bound to a man I so totally despise? I could never bring myself back to Charles, and he is the only one I could ever be permitted to be with.

No other man can give me a child. I cannot hope for love, or even simple lust, to bring me a second chance.

Forever, forever, I will be alone, living this dim empty life.

Or I can choose oblivion. Nothingness, or emptiness.

In the end, it isn’t that hard a choice.

It may make me a sinner. I’m sure all the churches would agree on that much. But it’s not like they’ve ever done much for me. I don’t particularly care about the gossip in the town tomorrow.

I allow myself a minute of regret for the students I’m leaving behind.

And I simply step off the tan edge. My hair blows back, tangling in the wind… as I fall.

Only the impact.