I Broke My Angel's Wings
Edward's POV when leaving Bella. Enjoy!
Caution: Extremely depressing for those who hate to see Edward hurt! Reviews will make him better :)
Don't own any of it
1. Burning Bridges
Rating 5/5 Word Count 2008 Review this Chapter
I barely led her even a few feet up the trail so she could see the house and get back easily after --- No, you can't think that far, Edward.
I was making this impossible for myself.
I was leaning against a tree, storing her face in my mind. I would never, ever forget her. It was like forgetting how to breathe, no, cause that can happen. Like forgetting . . . I just can't compare her to anything. There has never been anything I have depended on so much to stay alive.
"Okay, let's talk," She said, sounding brave.
No, I pleaded. I don't want to leave, please, let me wait. Maybe just a little longer . . . No. Clean break. She will heal, but I won't. But as long as she does.
I gathered all my courage as I took in as much air as possible, knowing I would need it to utter these words.
"Bella, we're leaving."
She breathed in too, and I could tell she didn't fully comprehend what I intended her to. She just couldn't imagine herself without me, and it made my heart swell. I wanted to tear myself limb from limb.
"Why now? Another year--"
One more word and she would have me convinced, staying here with her and putting her at risk every second.
"Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless," I interrupted her, keeping my face cool and distant, as I watched her become confused. She still didn't understand.
Then her face was overwhelmed with grief and I struggled to not pull out my hair, or cause myself the pain I wholly deserved, even though I deserved to suffer so much more for hurting my Bella. Not your Bella, just independent Bella. You no longer have claim on the beautiful angel, you demon.
But I would experience the immense pain I fully deserved, if the plan succeeded.
"When you say we---" she whispered.
Pain, pain, pain, pain.
"I mean my family and myself," I said each word separately, trying not to comprehend the meaning of the words strung together. But the hurt on her face reminded me. You're leaving her, a little voice whispered.
She shook her head back and forth for exactly 184 seconds. I was counting how much time I was spending with her in my last moments, and saving the beauty and smell and presence of her crammed into each small second despite the fact pain was burning my insides.
"Okay, I'll come with you."
Stop. I want to say yes so badly. Focus. YES BELLA! COME WITH ME! No. Focus. My fault. Didn't pay attention to Jasper's mind. My fault. Cold. You are a cold monster.
"You can't, Bella. Where we're going . . . It's not the right place for you." To Denali. More vampires. More danger.
"Were you are is the right place for me," She said helplessly.
She needs your protection. Do it, the small voice whispered. You protect her from the danger. NO. I AM the danger. I not good enough for the angel. Like the Beauty and the Beast. Wait, didn't that turn out all right? NO! No happy ending for the evil in the story. I'm a beast, and she doesn't deserve it.
"I'm no good for you, Bella."
This was the only thing I hadn't had trouble saying so far. It was true and I believed it with all of my heart. Angels don't deserve to even lay eyes on demons.
"Don't be ridiculous. You're the very best part of my life," She begged and I was lucky I wasn't able to cry. Tears would've been pouring down my face. How I managed to keep the mask on, I had no idea. Probably because it was for the safety of my -- no, not my-- precious angel.
"My world is not for you," I said softly.
"What happened with Jasper --- that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!"
She said my name. I saved that and locked it in my memory because I knew it was probably the last time I would here it.
"You're right, it was exactly what was to be expected."
"You promised! In Phoenix you promised ---"
I had been expecting this one and had my answer ready. I cut her off, ignoring the want to let her finish just to hear her voice, "As long as it was best for you."
I was letting my words become too passionate. Must not cave. Cold. You are cold and stony. No emotion.
"NO! This is about my soul isn't it? Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward! I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you-- it's yours already!"
Although impossible, I thought I felt a foreign thing. My eyes, brimming. It might be impossible, but if there was anything that could make the physically impossible things possible, it was my love for Bella.
I stared at the ground, feeling, seeing nothing but Bella. I was losing my grip on myself and I had to concentrate.
Clean break. Clean break. Clean break. Clean break. Clean break. Clean break. Clean break.
I needed to do what was so inconceivable. I needed to do something that was physically impossible for my very being to accomplish. It was so horrible, my mind shied away from it. If I couldn't even think it, how on Earth was I going to force it through my lips without letting her completely see through my charade.
I looked up, and I felt colder than I had ever felt. So distant, as if I was watching myself in one of Alice's visions.
I took in Bella's face as a stranger's, and shattered her heart to pieces.
"Bella, I don't want you to come with me," Cold, flippant. Exactly as I wanted it.
I watched her face without really seeing it, trying hard to shut my brain down so I wouldn't yet experience the pain of what I was doing.
"You . . . don't . . . want me?" Her words were weak and my hand involuntarily twitched at my want to wrap my arms around her.
She was searching my eyes, and I managed to hide it. I don't know how, the compassion and love was practically burning holes in me as I restrained it. There was nothing for her to find.
"Well, that changes things," her voice was controlled and cool.
My insides shuddered. She believed that one little lie, after all the times I had told her how I would love her for my entire existence. One word was all it took. It made me panic slightly. Only so much time left with her . . . I had to say more. I couldn't stop myself. I NEEDED more time, and I was desperate.
I looked into the trees, not letting her see my eyes. I needed to reassure her.
"Of course, I'll always love you . . . in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm . . . tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human."
I knew that wasn't going to be the last time I said HER name, I knew I would rock myself for hours, just saying it and thinking of her face.
Stop it. Stop it, now.
"Don't. Don't do this."
I finally met her gaze, soaking up her eyes and letting her meet my cold stare that would hopefully destroy all her hope of me staying. If she begged anymore, I would stay. She had complete control of me, no matter how cautious I was. And how I could 'dazzle' her. Oh, how I wanted to do it one more time.
I dealt the final blow.
"You're no good for me, Bella."
That's it. The bridge that had been there, that I could cross over when I came back to her, was lit fire and destroyed. She didn't think I loved her anymore, and all hope I had, was lost. There was no going back. And there was no way forward. My life was meaningless, and I was dead. Part of me stayed across the bridge, with Bella, where she waited. But I would never get that other half back. Or Bella. They were both gone . . . forever. Or however long I could deal with the pain until someway killing myself. I had singlehandedly destroyed my happiness and purpose for living.
"If . . . that's what you want."
"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much."
Not a favor. I wanted to get on my knees and beg. But now, I could finally release what had been burning in my skull.
"Anything," she vowed, and I could tell she would obey me.
At once, the ice in my face melted, and the emotion burst forth, pushing with all it's strength through my eyes, channeling it's energy into those two windows that it felt like my turning a vampire all over again. The message burned so clear, I doubted I had to say it, but I did anyways.
"Don't do anything reckless or stupid. Do you understand what I'm saying?" My voice was much too strong, but I didn't care. I held her gaze until she nodded.
I tried to cool my face, but after being free, the fire fought me. It slightly marred the ice, but I didn't care.
"I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself-- for him."
Nothing bad can happen to her. I would kill myself without a doubt. And I would, eventually. I didn't plan to outlive her.
She nodded again and whispered, "I will."
" And I'll make you a promise in return. I promise this will be the last time you see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this ever again. You can go on with your life without anymore interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed."
My promises added wood to the fire that was burning the bridge. I couldn't douse it now, it was out of control.
I allowed a smile and the heat in my head raged, wanting to burst forth.
"Don't worry. You're human-- your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."
It was true, no matter how much I wanted to deny it, that she would forget me and move on. Of course, I would never.
"And your memories?" Her voice was hoarse.
"Well, I won't forget. But MY kind . . . we're very easily distracted.
How could she believe me? Hasn't she seen the bonds my family share? How can I do this?
I stepped away. NO! What were my legs doing?! I can't leave. NOT this soon!
"That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again."
How could I not let the hysteria leak into my voice? I needed to stay.
"Alice isn't coming back," She stated.
"No, they're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you good-bye."
"Wait!" She reached her arms out to me, but I pinned her wrists to her side. I pressed my lips gently to her forehead, for the last time.
"Take care of yourself," I breathed, allowing her to smell my breath one last time.
Then I was gone in the wind.
I sobbed tearless sobs as I wrote the note in her handwriting.
I gently gathered the things that showed my existence, the CD, the pictures, and the tickets, and placed them under her floorboards, knowing it was a vain hope that they would be found, and took a last whiff of her beautiful scent.
I turned and fled, leaving the charred ashes that were left of the bridge I had burned.