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Memories & Feelings

Summary:
Ok… I know that there are a lot of other songfics like this, but the songs I use here are ones that I don’t see used a lot. I will also include links to the songs for each chapter. I don’t know about you, but I always like to hear what the author is referring to when they talk about a song, it really helps me get into the story! Thanks to Day for helping me with this story!! ;) Chapter 3: Separation (Bella & Edward POV) is out!!please tell me what you think of this... I'm not posting anymore until I get some rewiews!! :(


Notes:
Please go easy on me... this is my first time doing something like this! :S


2. Without Her

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I’ve left her. My love, my angel, my Bella; and I’ve left her. Left her in that forest alone. Those were hardest moments of my existence.

Here I am,
Lost in the light of the moon,
That comes through my window.

I’m sitting here in an attic, somewhere in Brazil I think. To be honest, I don’t remember where I am exactly. I’ve been here for god knows how long. My family has long since stopped calling, so it must have been a while.

Bathed in blue,
The walls of my memory divides,
The thorns from the roses.
It's you and the roses.

With no one here to bother me, it just leaves me with my thoughts; which could be just as bad… especially in this case. While sitting here all I can do is think. Think about what I did, think about what I’m going to do, think about how I’m going to live without her.

[CHORUS]
Touch me and I will follow,
In your afterglow.
Heal me from all this sorrow,
As I let you go.
I will find my way
When I see your eyes,
Now I'm living,
In your afterglow.

As much as I try not to, I can’t help but think of Bella. She has changed my existence in so many ways. I was a better person, because of her. But in reality, I can’t change what I am… a vampire, a bloodsucking monster. No matter what anyone says to me, I still blame myself for what happened at that party. I should have never brought her into my world, it was never safe for her.

Here I am,
Lost in the ashes of time,
But who wants tomorrow,

The only way I can tell that there is some sort of passing of time is the thoughts of the small family that are in the house below. If only they knew what kind of menace was living… no “living” isn’t the right word… who was cowering in their attic, then maybe they would run. Run away from me, the way she never did. If she could only see the way I am now, maybe then she would understand why my family, my entire world; is not for her.


In between,
Longing to hold you again,
I'm caught in your shadow.
I'm losing control.

If I could only feel her warm skin against mine again, see those beautiful eyes, smell her intoxicating sent once more; then maybe I’d be able to make it one more day, one more minute, hell, even one more second here in my pathetic excuse for an existence. No… I can’t think like that! Those types of thoughts make it all the more difficult not to give up here and now, and run back to her.

My mind drifts away,
We only have today.

Drifting back to thoughts of her can’t be good for my resilience. The worst part is that every time I close my eyes I see her pained eyes, the look she gave me as the reality slowly sank in that I was leaving. I believe what is most disturbing to me is the fact that she believed me so easily. Did she not hear me when I told her so many times that I loved her, that she was the most important thing to me ever. No, I guess not! I’m so sorry my love, I have deceived you.


[CHORUS]
Touch me and I will follow,
In your afterglow.
Heal me from all this sorrow,
As I let you go.
I will find my way,
I will sacrifice,
Till the blinding day,
When I see your eyes.

If only I had her in my arms again; maybe then I could heal this pain that tears through my chest whenever I think of the day I left. I’m sure that eventually I’ll get over this; although I know that I’ll never move on. I made a solemn vow to her that if/when anything was to happen to her, I would not be far behind.


Now I'm living,
In your afterglow [in your afterglow].
When the veils are gone,
As I let you go,
As I let you go.

Moving on, or letting go as others put it, will be quite difficult for me. We vampires have an exceptional memory. Humans on the other hand… well in my opinion, I doubt she’ll remember me by next year. What pains me is that her moving on means someone else will be there for her. Someone else will be holding her warm body in their arms, kissing those beautiful lips. Although vampires are easily distracted, nothing in this world could ever take the place of my angel, my Bella.

[CHORUS]
Touch me and I will follow,
In your afterglow.
Heal me from all this sorrow,
As I let you go.
I will find my way
I will sacrifice,
Now I'm living,
In your afterglow.

I suppose that eventually I will have to leave this place, go back to some sort of existence; but I can’t bring myself to do that yet. I’m afraid that if I do leave my seclusion, my mind will force me to go back to her and beg her to take me back. So for now, take in the sorrow that threatens to take me over and appreciate it, as it is the only thing I will ever feel from now on.

Bathed in blue,
The walls of my memory divides,
The thorns from the roses.
It's you who is closest.

Yes, you were close; we were close, but we can never be again. The monster in me will always win. My world is not for you my love. Your memory hurts, it hurts more than my transformation, it hurts more than death; but at the same time knowing of your existence comforts me my angel, my life was death without you. My cold heart wants to think it’s not over yet, that I can get back my life, but it’s not possible, I know my angel must move on, even if it ends up killing me.