Bella returns to Forks in an attempt to remember what it was like to be human and encounters the werewolf Jacob. Oneshot.
Author's Notes: Review please.
WARNING: There are Eclipse (and possibly New Moon) spoilers! Don't say I didn't warn you. Disclaimer: All characters belong to the amazing Stephenie Meyer. I wish they belonged to me. ;-;
Rating 4/5 Word Count 1422 Review this Chapter
I walked through the forest at a human pace, finally understanding why the other Cullens had a need for speed. Walking like this… It was so… slow. But I persisted.
Finally, after five years of resisting the thirst – not that it was hard, the sight and scent of blood, enhanced tenfold, still managed to turn my stomach – Carlisle deemed me strong enough to be alone, without a baby sitter. Not that I minded having a baby sitter, especially if it was Edward, but sometimes I needed time alone. With my newly enhanced vampire hearing, I could hear everything in the house, everything. And sometimes that wasn’t a good thing.
I also wanted to revisit my past. Edward had entertained me with stories of my human self: about how I blushed at the oddest things, how I filled the thoughts of the entire male population of Forks High on my first day, about my ‘endearing’ clumsiness, but that was not enough. I needed to know how I thought.
This new me, was it the same? Was it too different? Did Edward still love me? When I asked him that, he chuckled, “Of course I do Bella.” He always put up with my relentless stream of questions, trying to satisfy my curiosity. One thing he would not talk about was Jacob.
Even though my memories as a human were slowly blurring, one thing remained the same; there was a hole in my heart. It was a small hole, almost a drop in the sea that was Edward and his love, but it was there, and it hurt. I could vaguely remember a large brown werewolf, Jacob, whom I associated with that pain.
Every time I asked Edward about him, he would tactfully change the subject and divert my focus to something else. As much as I loved him, which was much more than anyone, or anything, could possibly fathom, he was over protective at times. I was not the fragile, soft, human Bella anymore. I was a vampire now, a beautiful, hard, sturdy Bella. Nothing out of the ordinary – human ordinary – could break me.
I walked slowly up the nonexistent trail, taking in the sights and sounds around me. I had forgotten how green everything was. In Alaska, where Tanya’s family lived, everything was white and brown, snow and dirt; it was so consistent. Here, each leaf, tree, every blade of grass was different from its neighbor. Small birds twittered in the canopy above me, a melody of different voices, and each one unique to its owner.
I almost wished Edward had not bitten me and broken the treaty, so that we could come back here to live. Almost. But my love for Edward dwarfed my newfound love for this forest.
I was getting closer to the meadow now. I could see light far ahead, something my former self could not have done. As I reached the edge of the clearing, I closed my eyes to enjoy nature’s song. The nearby stream burbled happily, as if it was glad that I was back; a gentle breeze rustled the soft grass and wildflowers, and I could hear small creatures, not big enough to be prey, gamboling nearby. It was the same meadow within my fuzzy memory. Of course, Edward had described it for me with amazing clarity, but even his perfect velvet voice could not do this place justice.
A single ray of sunlight broke through the thick blanket of clouds that constantly hung over Forks, temporarily blinding me. When I could see, I was, again, struck by the meadow’s beauty. Memories began gently floating back to me, like fallen leaves on a stream; I could remember how awestruck I was when I first saw Edward, how he sparkled, my happiness when I could finally touch him and even the unwanted fear of him when he revealed his true strength. I sat down slowly to relive each and every one of my memories over and over again, to regain what use to be me, what was me.
It was darker when I moved again and I assumed it was late noon. I never carried a watch with me; time was meaningless when you were immortal.
A vaguely familiar shape sat at the opposite end of the meadow. It was a large brown wolf; its dark eyes watched my every move. I gasped as realization hit me. Jacob.
It was my Jacob, my best friend, my sunlight, my ‘natural path’, my soul mate. Memories flooded back to me; the burbling stream had grown, mutated. It was no longer a gentle flow; it had become a roaring beast, picking up mud and debris as it rushed towards me, threatening to drown me in its wake. Every little thing, every ordinary conversations, every kind gesture, all the fun, and all the pain came back to me.
The pain I caused him, the hurt in his eyes, the holes in his heart; his heart was so riddled it was like a colander; there were more holes than anything else. My single rip was incomparable to his plethora. And I could see all of it. Every little thing.
His pain was my pain – it had always been, I had just pushed it back, telling myself I could not remember – and tore at the little rip, tearing it wider and wider, thrusting Edward and his love aside.
Dry sobs wracked at my chest; as a vampire, I was not capable of producing tears. I clutched at where my heart was supposed to be, trying to stop the pain, gasping for air I did not need.
Jacob was still sitting there, regarding me in absolute silence. His dark eyes were shadowed and I could not read them.
What was in there? Pain? Hate? Revulsion at what I had become? Regret that he did not save me? Satisfaction because I finally got the pain I deserved? I needed to know.
“Jacob.” It escaped my lips as a whisper but his super sensitive ears would have picked it up. My left arm rose and reached out to him, his bracelet still dangling on it, as if it could bridge the immeasurable distance between us.
Jacob did not react, and even if he did, he did not show it.
Do something! I mentally pleaded with him. Say something!
I wanted him to come to me. To tell me that even though I reeked of vampire, that he still loved me because I was Bella. To rub his large head against my outstretched hand and forgive me. To tell me he was okay.
Then it hit me. That was why I was there. Maybe, at first, I wanted to remember what it was like to be human, to try to pick up parts of the old me, but something else, something far stronger called me here. Jacob.
I needed to know that he forgave me for what I did. I needed to know that he was okay. But he, just like Edward, would not give me the answer I wanted.
Jacob shook his large furry head once, just once, turned around, and strode off into the forest. Nothing would bring him back. I watched him leave in silence, still sitting there even after he blended with the foliage and I could see him no more.
I had my answer then. He was not okay. He did not forgive me. And I was dead to him.
It began to pour; it was as if the sky was doing the crying for me. At least one thing in this world forgave me for becoming a vampire.
After a long while, I got up and made my way back down the trail. The forest was silent now, its beauty no longer capturing my interest. Instead, I relived my pain, his pain, committing it to memory.
I was going back to Edward. He would patch me back up again, put me back to normal. The hole would still be there. Whether it was a bit bigger or a bit smaller, I did not know. It would stay as a constant reminder of Jacob Black. Never again would I make such a mistake as to try to forget him.
But there was no one there to patch up Jacob Black. There was no one there to help him move on, to comfort him, to distract him from his pain. He was alone.