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The Joys of Fanfiction

Summary:
Emmett discovers fanfiction, much to Edward's annoyance. Need I say more? Jasper's POV.


Notes:
Stephenie Meyer owns all that you recognize in the story that follows! No copyright infringement is intended.


1. Slanderous Trash

Rating 4.5/5   Word Count 1001   Review this Chapter

The hysterical snorts and screams of laughter coming from Emmett and Rosalie's room weren't unusual. This is Emmett we're talking about, after all. Nor were the emotions coming from him . . . I was used to this degree of, er, inappropriateness when it came to my brawny brother. What was unusual was that Rosalie wasn't causing this degree of, um, hilarity in her husband. She was, in fact, sitting next to me in the living room, rolling her eyes expressively whenever he chuckled particularly loudly. I gave her an inquisitive look.

"Do you really want to know?" she asked darkly. I shrugged and looked at Alice, who appeared to be just as clueless as me.

"He just discovered something called fanfiction." She spat the word like it was a curse. I saw Edward, sitting on the couch cradling Bella in his arms, as usual, bristle. "He's being insufferable. He won't unglue his eyes from that dratted computer screen for two seconds together."

Edward narrowed his eyes and turned his head to the side, presumably to better hear whatever was running through Emmett's oh-so-pure brain. Abruptly, an atmosphere of rage began to materialize around him; it was oppressive. Bella, sensing the change in his mood, looked up at him with frightened eyes. Alice smirked at me and held up five fingers. Four, three, two, one . . .

"EMMETT!" he roared, putting Bella down and charging up the stairs like a being possessed. "What is WRONG with you?" He began a chain of complicated expletives as he crashed through Emmett's door. At least I knew what I was getting Emmett for Christmas this year . . . a lock. Or possibly a steel door.

Bella looked at the rest of us with wide eyes.

Rosalie just yawned. Alice was rolling on the floor, in silent hysterics at Edward's performance. Esme had learned long ago that trying to interfere in their quarrels was futile, and so she merely smiled sympathetically at Bella. Carlisle hadn't even looked up from the medical journal he was perusing. And I? I could see that no one else in this ridiculous family was going to soothe Bella's fears--the worry and panic pulsing through her were suffocating--and so I stood up and walked slowly towards her.

"Don't worry, Bella. Emmett and Edward get like this--" a loud crash and Emmett's signature poor-little-me wail of despair echoed down the hall. I winced. "--all the time. It's nothing to worry about." She didn't look convinced. I sent a few calming waves in her direction.

Hooray, now it was time for the rolling-down-the-stairs-in-a-headlock part of their brawl. I couldn't help but snicker at the sight. Furious growls were ripping from Edward's chest, his face quite deranged. Emmett was growling, too, but he kept laughing and saying absolute nonsense ("Carlise . . . Sexy Edward . . . Bella Banana . . . hot werewolf"), which seemed to only make Edward more livid, if that were possible. The emotion in the room was a curious and overpowering mixture of rage (Edward, of course), humor (who else? Emmett), fear (poor Bella), and boredom (everyone else). It wasn't like we hadn't seen variations on this tired old theme many times before.

They finally landed in a heap of muscle and rage at the foot of the stairs. Carlisle marked the page of his report. "What is it this time, boys?" he asked patiently.

"HE--" Emmett, still snorting, pulled Edward up by the collar--"broke my laptop!" He pouted unconvincingly.

Rosalie sighed in a long-suffering way. Carlisle said reasonably, "That was wrong of Edward, but you DO have five. Laptops, I mean." Emmett sighed, too. "Yeah, well . . ."

Edward spat venom on Emmett's hand. The latter quickly let go of the former's collar. "Ew," he observed pleasantly.

Edward was trembling with fury. "HE was reading slanderous . . ." he seemed to notice Bella's presence in the room for the first time. " . . . trash," he finished lamely.

"It wasn't trash," Emmett said defensively. A slow grin worked across his big face. "STOP THAT!" Edward hissed, glaring at Emmett. "Get her out of your foul BRAIN!" And so the scuffle began again.

Carlisle frowned. He stood up and pulled his less-well-behaved sons apart. I felt very virtuous.

"That's enough, and I mean it," he said firmly. "I'm ashamed of your behavior, both of you. Edward, was there really the need to . . ." Edward was nodding fervently.

"If you only knew the garbage . . . disgusting garbage . . . he was reading about EVERYBODY in this room," he finished ominously. He nodded once, answering an unspoken question of Carlisle's, and the good doctor's face darkened.

"If that's true, young man," he began to threaten Emmett, but his son wouldn't let him finish.

"I was just being creative," he whined, and his face was heartbreakingly cute. I couldn't help it. I snorted derisively. Emmett glared at me vindictively for breaking the spell of his "moment." I shrugged and mouthed "PERVERT" at him; it wasn't hard to guess exactly the sort of material he'd been reading. Carlisle sighed.

"Emmett," he said, and his voice was pained, "how about you try limiting your creativity to less, er, graphic venues in future, all right? And Edward . . ." he looked at his first son and exhaled. "Try anger management."

I made a face at Emmett behind Carlisle's back. He glowered at me for a moment, and then . . . it slowly dawned across his face. He whispered something in Edward's ear that sounded a heck of a lot like "Did you see the Jasper/Bella section? Pretty hot stuff . . ." Edward slowly turned towards me, and Emmett smiled. His work was done. I jumped away from Bella, too late in noticing that we were side-by-side . . . oops. Edward's face was contorted with rage.

"JASPER!"

Dang it.