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The Joys of Fanfiction

Emmett discovers fanfiction, much to Edward's annoyance. Need I say more? Jasper's POV.

Stephenie Meyer owns all that you recognize in the story that follows! No copyright infringement is intended.

2. Have Some Dignity, Please

Rating 4.5/5   Word Count 1745   Review this Chapter


Double click.

Ah, yes, Google, friend of man . . . and vampire. I briskly navigated myself through a series of windows before finally reaching my final destination.

Fanfiction--Unleash Your Imagination

How fitting. Not that Emmett needed to be told to unleash his imagination. It was running quite free as it was.

I paused for a moment to indulge in a fit of manic laughter.

No one would hear me, anyway. They were all out--Bella and Alice shopping (well, Alice was shopping, at least; Bella was probably still sulking, despondent at her separation, however temporary, from Edward); Carlisle at the hospital and Esme landscaping the yard (again; before I met her, I hadn't known that there were so many ways of arranging flora); Edward and Emmett hunting together (which was probably a bad idea for Emmett. Not that I minded.)

In short, I was quite alone, and therefore would be able to carry out my mission of revenge (at least Phase One) in relative peace.

Shall I refresh your memory on the topic of what I wanted revenge for? Well, let's just say that Emmett had most unjustly projected his twisted little ideas onto innocent moi, for which reason Edward nearly killed me.

Well, perhaps that's not entirely truthful. But I'm with Carlisle--aggression therapy for Edward would still be quite advisable.

Anyway, Emmett, most unwisely, had never bothered to invest in a reliable lock, and so I had had no trouble at all in entering his bedroom and stealing--no, commandeering is the proper military term, I believe--one of his four remaining laptops.

I had to admit, it was almost too easy. Emmett even had himself perpetually logged into his fanfiction account, so I didn't have to go to the trouble of hacking in. This was probably less out of consideration for me, though, and more related to the fact that Mr. Genius was incapable of remembering anything with more than four digits that didn't include the words "Rosalie" or "irritable grizzly."

Do I sound bitter? Really, I'm not.

But as I was saying, it was too easy. It very nearly took the fun out of the whole scheme.

Nah. It didn't.

My eyes opened wide at the sight greeting me on the computer screen. I'd been expecting to find a list of the fanfictions he had read, not the ones he had written.

I hadn't known Emmett could write.

I winced, skimming the titles of his works. I had to admit, though, that some of them were quite impressive: "EDWARD NEEDS HELP" looked really quite inspired, and "Star-Crossed Love," though disturbing enough when you read the summary (it involved a werewolf, Carlisle, and, apparently, an obscure tropical locale), was really a more poetic sentiment than I'd been expecting.

And then I scrolled down.

"In Which Jasper Gets a Life . . . Maybe," rated M. 273 reviews. Summary: "His life sucked from the beginning. After he met his love, his life didn't. Jasper still sucked, though. Will he always? R&R!!"

Incensed, I clicked on the "reviews" link; too angry to read the story itself.

The first one on the page read "omg, who knew jasper was such a freek?! liek, world of warcraft?? that's sooo weird."

I had to physically restrain myself from breaking the mouse beneath my trembling fingers. How DARE he betray me? World of Warcraft was supposed to be a secret!

Suddenly, I understood why Edward had snapped Emmett's other laptop. I only wondered why he had stopped there. Why he hadn't made a clean job of it and snapped Emmett's NECK!

My fingers twitched compulsively.

Focus, Jasper, focus. Remember the mission. A soldier never loses focus.

I gritted my teeth and continued to scroll down, which took some time; my dear brother had penned upwards of twenty fanfictions in total, ranging from the revolting (the appropriately titled "Get Me Through This Nightmare," starring Bella and me--if it were possible for a vampire to be sick, I would) to the just plain odd ("BWAHAHAHA Attack of the Rosalies"--I didn't dwell on what that was supposed to mean). Finally, I came to the last story ("He Sparkled in the Sun Like Freezerburnt Ice Cream": a truly nauseating tale involving Emmett, lots of grizzly bears, and a particularly sunny day at Yosemite National Park).

The enemy was even more formidable than I had expected.

I was interrupted from my solitary strategic musings by the all-too-familiar purr of Alice's Porsche pulling into the drive. Dang.

I wasn't worried about Alice (she had foreseen this, after all) or even Bella catching me at it, provided she kept my scheme to herself. But I knew that Edward, who couldn't bear being away from Bella for extended periods of time, would soon follow, and with him "MonsterJeepHellYeah." Yes, that really is Emmett's penname.

I hastily shut down the computer and left the room, turning the latter's surveillance cameras back on as I went. It was odd, him having those installed . . . either Emmett was extremely paranoid, or he had some other uses for the cameras . . . oh. OH. EW!

Maybe I'm the paranoid one. Emmett's delightful little stories certainly had the power to make me so.

I waltzed down the stairs, my hands in my pockets, oh-so-jauntily whistling "SexyBack" (before you start judging me, please remember that it was on Emmett's iTunes playlist, not mine). He really had corrupted me.

I tried my best to exude an air of nonchalance. I knew that I had no hope of fooling Alice, but perhaps I could keep my plan from Bella--that girl was unpredictable as the wind, and I didn't want to risk her inadvertently passing valuable information along to Public Enemy Number 1.

The front door creaked open, and then Alice was in my face. "How dare you, Jasper Hale?" she hissed, dropping several heavily laden shopping bags on the floor. Bella trotted in after my wife, looking uncharacteristically smug, although there was definite humor beneath her superiority complex. I started to panic.

I could feel distinct waves of chagrin and annoyance radiating off of Alice. Despite my shock (I'd been sure she'd support me in my effort), I endeavored to remain calm. "What do you mean, dear?" I asked innocently, holding up my empty hands in a gesture of surrender. Bella snickered from her position near the door. I shot her what I hope was a sufficiently annoyed look.

"Have some dignity, please, Jasper. You know perfectly well what I'm talking about. Today, while I was shopping at Nordstrom--and you know how I hate to be interrupted when I'm at Nordstrom--I had the most disturbing vision of you taking a despicable revenge on Emmett. What were you thinking?" she asked, and her voice was bitingly sharp. Her eyes flashed.

"I'm sorry, Alice! I didn't mean--" I was panicking in earnest now. What if she took away my gaming privileges?

"What were you thinking, planning this revenge without us?" Suddenly the chagrin vanished, only to be replaced with real humor and goodwill. Bella, her grin even more pronounced, moved forward to stand by Alice's side, gleefully taking in the shock on my face. I sighed in combined relief and resignation.

"You two got me."

"Oh, we definitely did," Alice agreed smugly. "But we're going to get Emmett even worse." Her tinkling laughter was abruptly evil.

It was frightening.

It made chills tingle down my spine.

I loved it.

I spent the next five minutes briefing Alice and Bella on what exactly I had been doing that afternoon. The two of them became more and more infuriated as I described the sort of nefarious rubbish their very own brother--or soon-to-be brother, in Bella's case--had been writing about them. Bella was livid almost to the boiling point by the time I finished my tale.

Speak of the devil . . .

Emmett strode in the front door, bouncing on the balls of his feet, quite oblivious to what we had been just discussing. He'd clearly had a satisfactory trip.

I forced a pained smile across my face, attempting to hide my true intentions towards him. Now is not the time, Jasper.

"Hi, Jasper, Alice, Bella!" He grinned broadly and held his arms out, as if expecting us to run into his signature bear hug. "Miss me?"

It was too much for Bella. She let out a grating, high sort of screech and rushed at him. She instantly began to pummel every inch of his body that she could reach. I couldn't tell exactly what she was saying--her screams were too high even for me, with my abnormally good hearing, to understand--but the words "kill", "evil", and "hate" were invoked repeatedly.

"Bella, Bella, Bella!" Emmett said, reaching down to lock her arms in his steel grip. "What's the matter?" his face was honestly clueless, as was the tenor of his emotions. I sighed.

Something began to work its way across Emmett's face as he looked down at her, taking in her scrunched-up face, her red cheeks, and overall distressed appearance. "Bella . . ."

She growled incoherently.

"Don't be offended, but . . ."

This couldn't be good.

"My biology class just finished a unit on . . ."

Oh, for the sake of all that is good, please, please, no. Not that.

"The female menstrual cycle, and you're exhibiting all the signs of PMS!" he finished in a rush, clearly a bit embarrassed, which was remarkable for him. I groaned.

Bella looked at him blankly, stunned into silence. "You know . . . mood swings . . ." he said slowly, as though talking to someone with a deficit of brain cells. Bella started to growl again.

"I understand, though, Bella. It's nothing to be ashamed of," he said, clearly pleased with himself for being the understanding big brother. He let go of her arms and smiled. "So, go on. Finish taking out your hormonal aggression on me. I really don't mind."

Bella let out a howl of anger, and Alice, who had heretofore been too stunned to move a muscle, rushed to her side, giving Emmett a truly terrifying Look. I shifted my weight uneasily. I could feel a fifth set of emotions heading towards us from outside, and from their general direction, I guessed that my other brother had heard the ending of their conversation.


It was like yesterday all over again.

Edward burst through the door. "Were you just discussing MENSTRUATION with my GIRLFRIEND?!" he all but screamed. Emmett shrugged, perplexed that this should make his favorite brother angry with him.