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The Joys of Fanfiction

Summary:
Emmett discovers fanfiction, much to Edward's annoyance. Need I say more? Jasper's POV.


Notes:
Stephenie Meyer owns all that you recognize in the story that follows! No copyright infringement is intended.


6. My love! My life!

Rating 4.5/5   Word Count 1021   Review this Chapter


"EMMETT!" Bella shrieked. Emmett froze in the doorway to the kitchen, transfixed with horror and fascination and--just a flicker--recognition. I gave Bella a big thumbs-up from behind Evil Incarnate's back.

"WHY are you just standing there?" she stomped her foot. The chair beside her shook, and she clasped her hands over her distended belly. I pushed Emmett in front of me. He was still frozen.

"You . . . you're . . ." he mumbled. His mouth opened and closed soundlessly; his resemblance to a blowfish was uncanny.

Well, it wasn't really her belly. It was a highly realistic (and highly expensive, I might add) prosthetic thingamabob strapped over her belly. Beneath the gaudily flowered maternity clothes a gleeful Alice had chosen for her, she really did look . . .

"Pregnant?!" Emmett sputtered. He didn't seem to have regained control of his limbs yet.

"YES, I'M FREAKIN' PREGNANT, DUMMY!" she yelled, and then sighed exasperatedly. "And Junior and I are hungry, so if you don't get your lazy--"

"Wait!" Emmett whined, gaining enough control of himself to hold his hands up. "How? I mean . . . vampires can't . . . you know . . ." he paused. Realization washed over him. "OH MY GOSH, YOU'VE BEEN CHEATING ON EDWARD WITH A WEREWOLF, HAVEN'T YOU?" He jumped away from her. "Werewolf cooties!" he screamed.

"Have NOT! And yes, for your information, vampires can," Bella said impatiently. She surreptitiously scratched her lower back. "Because--"

"I said so," Carlisle smoothly finished, appearing as if out of thin air in the doorway. I was pleased to note that he was outfitted in a pair of ugly sea-green scrubs and that he spoke with a pronounced British accent. He winked at me slyly from behind Emmett's back. The latter's jaw went slack.

There's nothing like a well-constructed rhyme, now, is there?

I didn't think so.

But anyway. Carlisle-the-Briton handed Bella a large bottle of prenatal vitamins, which she promptly chugged down. Emmett observed this gratuitous drug consumption with something like wonder.

"You see, Emmett," Carlisle said solemnly, patting an emotional Bella sympathetically on the back (she fake-burped), "my distinguished colleagues in jolly old England and I have been working on a top-secret project of this sort for years now; using frozen blah blah because vampires are already frozen, obviously, blah bitty technical blah blah hem . . ." Carlisle's words seem to wash right over Emmett's head. Which was the desired effect, of course.

There was a new emotion in his eyes now as he gazed upon the hiccupping Bella. "You mean . . . you got Edward to . . . you got him to . . . I thought that was impossible, dude!" he was grinning.

Ah. It was respect he felt for her. I hated to admit it, but he had a point.

"Please--hic--Emmett." She glared at him, and he instantly recoiled. "Not Edward. Jasper." She sighed my name, giving me a look of simpering adoration. Emmett whirled around, terror fresh in his eyes. "YOU!" he croaked.

"That's all the congratulations you have for your favorite brother?" I bumped my shoulder against his as I strode to Bella's side; he jumped as though electrocuted.

"Yes," I continued theatrically, fingering the script in my pocket, "Bella and I realized just last week that we, er, burned for each other with an all-consuming passion, and this is the miraculous result of our love--and Carlisle's medical expertise, of course." I stroked her "belly" in what I thought was a loving manner.

Carlisle saluted us and coughed into his sleeve to muffle his snort of mirth.

"My love!" Bella declaimed dramatically, throwing her arms haphazardly in the air for emphasis.

"My life!" I thrust my hand to my heart, inwardly gagging. "Without you--"

"I am nothing!" Bella shrieked, collapsing in a limp heap in the chair beside her. I chanced a look at Emmett; recognition, again, was creeping through him, intensifying the terror.

Just as it should be.

Bella suddenly straightened up in her seat. "As I recall, Emmett," she said sharply, "a few moments ago I told you that I was hungry. Well, that lil' Jazzy and I were hungry." She made goo-goo eyes at me. I reciprocated.

There was a loud silence.

"Do you not understand what that MEANS?" Bella's face went a very interesting shade of red. "I'm hungry NOW!"

"You heard the woman," Carlisle said in his posh accent, looking up from his shiny copy of Vogue. (See also: Emmett's foul fanfictions)

"Get the mother of my unborn child some food!" I added, growling menacingly at Emmett, whose thunderstruck gaze flickered from my face to Bella's face to my hula skirt and back again--dang, I'd forgotten about that.

He gave a little start. "Wha--"

"I'm having a massive craving for pickles, Emmett, and so you'll need to get those. And make sure they're the dill kind. And I also really want peanut butter--smooth, not crunchy--and--hic--lotsandlots of bananas!" Emmett just stared at her. "Now!" She muttered something about how stupid vampires never had any food in the house.

A dazed Emmett gave Bella a vague nod. "Okay . . . pickles . . ." he meandered off in the direction of the front door. I hastily grabbed him and spun him around.

"The store's not that way, Emmett, it's--" I kicked the back door open and shoved him out-- "just out--" I patted him--all right, hit him--vigorously between the shoulder blades-- "here." And then I slammed the screen door behind him. Emmett seemed to come to himself just as I did so, however, and he turned back, confused.

"Jasper, bro, what the he--" but he froze, welded to the spot. A delicate pink rose petal drifted through the air, mysteriously carried on the wind, and landed precisely on the tip of his nose; his eyes crossed. Edward's quiet laughter rang throughout the backyard clearing.

"We've been expecting you, Emmett."