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Songs Of Sorrow

Summary:
Bella isn't the only one hallucinating during New Moon, and Edward's voice isn't the only agony echoing in her ears. A series of song-fics they hear during their time apart.


Notes:
Well, i own nothing.


1. Good-bye My Lover

Rating 0/5   Word Count 2776   Review this Chapter

He stood at the top of the cliff, the warm air whistling around his hair, setting the bronze into further motion. He could hear the sad, slow music in his head. It was like the songs he had played, yet totally different. This music had her in it, yes, but it was the changed angel. The dead-eyed creature he’d transformed her into, though he did not know what he’d done.

He closed his eyes, enjoying the breeze as much as he could enjoy anything, and listened.

She winced when she heard the music begin. It reminded her of him, of his long cool fingers dancing over the keys as pale as his skin. This is why she didn’t listen to music, she remembered. It made her recall him, and that was one torture even she could not withstand.

The pain in her chest only expanded when the singing began.

Did I disappoint you,

Or let you down,

The lines rang true. What had she done? Why had he taken his love away? She had tried so hard to deserve him. Had he expected more of her?

He had done the only right thing. There was no other option. The right way is not always the easy one… he knew that now. Because this wasn’t easy. It was hard and painful. Every instant was like a wound.

But he’d had no choice! He’d done the only thing he could, and his suffering was nothing, nothing, compared to sparing her soul.

Should I be feeling guilty,

Or let the judges frown,

Oh, he did not know what he’d done. But he suffered for it all the same.

Why had she ever believed he loved her? It was a ridiculous idea. Ridiculous. She was nothing compared to him. Less, even. He shouldn’t have looked at her twice. Why, then, did he?

Maybe she never should have fallen for him, never allowed herself to get so tangled in this. But she’d never had a choice. She was meant for him, as he was meant for something more.

She’d always known it would come to this.

‘Cause I saw the end,

Before we’d begun,

Yes, I saw you were blind,

And I knew I had won,

In the short time he’d given her, she was indeed blind. And, as the singer said, she did win. She won him for a few sweet months. What could be better?

He was used to voices in his head, but there was no one around. How odd. He wondered where the piercing music was coming from, and how it knew to torment him. Had not fate been cruel enough?

His own mind rebuked him when he was so presumptuous as to deny the justice of his agony. A murderer deserves his punishment, monster. And you are a hundred times a killer.

And you dragged her brightness into your dark world, still worse. Willing or no, you had no right to take her.

So I took what’s mine,

By title-right,

Took your soul out,

Into the night,

You had no right to steal her soul.

She was his, though he was no longer hers. She would always be his. There was nothing that could change that. She had been through the fire, was still burning in a lonely hell, but she had not broken. She could not break, and did not think she would give up her love even if she could.

He had forgotten her so easily, disappeared so quickly. He was never coming back and her mind was no sieve. Such a sorrow… If only he knew. If only he cared.

It may be over,

But it won’t stop there,

I am here for you,

If you’d only care,

She would always be waiting. For her, their love had no end.

He had been so empty before her… a mind, not a heart. Then he had had no soul. Maybe he did now. A damned one, perhaps, but he had to have a soul.

There was something within him. There was something within him that loved her and loved her and could not let her go. Before, he had been a mind, knowing right, but soulless and unable to act on the knowledge. Now, he had a soul, and he had lost it.

You touched my heart,

You touched my soul,

You changed my life,

And all my goals,

Before, he had lived for his family. Now he had only one goal. He needed to love her again.

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She had been logical, reasonable, once. The mature one, not like her impetuous mother, falling madly in love every ten minutes. Her love was not so easily bestowed… yet once it was given it could not be taken back.

Her stupid heart. It didn’t know a thing, like to stop loving him already because you’re not good enough for him and he’s never coming back.

She desired him so much. His kiss, his mere touch, was all she’d ever physically had of him, and it was too much fervor and passion. She remembered passing out after a kiss… The damn song kept bringing the memories.

And love is blind and that I knew when,

My heart was blinded by you,

I’ve kissed your lips and held your hand,

She would have given him so much more, but he had never asked for it. She knew why now.

________________________________________________________________________

They were meant for each other…

Their souls were perfect complements. Ideal, really. Physically, it was less of perfect match… he was beautiful, but she was so much more. Pure, perfect, adorable, everything his cursed form could never be.

And though she was drawn to her face… sight, the most powerful of human senses, he had a deeper call. Her blood was the only thing that could tempt him. His self-control was truly formidable, but she had changed all that. She had turned him back into the vulnerable monster… and he loved it.

He would have given anything to be close to her in the way she’d once blushingly suggested. Yet even spending a few minutes in her presence, even watching her sleep, sharing her bed in the most innocent of ways, was a joy. All he ever needed was that.

Shared your dreams and shared your bed,

I know you well,

I know your smell,

And yet he was forced to forbid himself these simple sweet things. Once, with her, he had longed for more, so much more, but he thinks he could be content for eternity if he could but see her face one more time.

________________________________________________________________________

It could really be compared to withdrawal. She needed him like a drug. He had flooded every part of her system, and without him she was empty. She needed him… please. For the thousandth time, she prayed it, and for the thousandth time, he did not answer.

She wonders if the song is but an escalation of the madness she’d pursued. Unfortunately, unlike his voice, it is painful… or rather agonizing. His voice is a comfort. It does not fulfill her need, but it soothes the agony. Like Jacob’s presence, it gets her through the day.

I’ve been addicted to you.

Good-bye my lover,

Good-bye my friend

She has no choice but to say good-bye. If she could just let go, maybe she would be able to live. But she doesn’t have the strength.

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His family had been angry at first. She was everything wrong, human, dangerous, fragile. Eventually, though, she had won them over… she did it to everyone eventually. She was a winning sort of person. And they had all been so glad he’d finally found someone.

He knew now why he’d been alone for so long. There’s only one person in the universe meant for you, in the end. She was it for him. No one else could fill that place… and he’d had to leave her. Now there would be nothing in the universe but emptiness, but the lack of her.

You have been the one,

You have been the one for me.

Good-bye my lover,

Good-bye my friend,

You have been the one,

You have been the one for me.

The only one. He knew she’d believed his lies, and sometimes he thought the hardest thing was that she didn’t know. It was the truth, the greatest truth of all. She was the only one.

The music cascaded like the tears that severed her heart. She wasn’t sure why this tune tortured her. Perhaps the universe was amused by the chance to cause her one more pain. Perhaps there was nothing more they could do to her. God and the angels taking bets on her life. It’s already ruined. What’s a little music here and there?

That morbid speculation was no more real than he’d ever been. Sometimes she found herself wondering if he’d ever existed. He’d been so much more than she’d ever dreamed life could hold. Maybe it never had.

I am a dreamer,

And when I wake,

You can’t break my spirit,

It’s my dreams you take.

True indeed. For once she’d had lofty dreams, and now the greatest aspiration she could recall was remembering forever the beautiful agony of his voice.

He had set her free. He hadn’t had any choice. He knew he wanted her to find someone else, to find someone worthy of her love. Like anyone could be… But there was none on this earth less deserving than he… monster. And so he could not stay with her. He was exiled here, dreaming, praying she would find joy and yet agonized it could not be in his arms.

If only he could be everything someone could. If only he could be human. There was no price in all the world he would not pay, so long as it caused her no more pain. Love is supposed to be so wonderful. To him, it is nothing but hurt. He watched her live, human, beautiful, and cherished every moment of the bright life that was no part of his wretched existence.

And as you move on, remember me

Remember us and all we used to be

I’ve seen you cry, I’ve seen you smile

I’ve watched you sleeping for a while

I’d be the father of your child

I’d spend a lifetime with you,

In her joy, exquisite. In her sorrow, precious. The only thing he wants is to be part of her life. And yet he cannot father a child. He cannot sleep beside her. He cannot spend a life with her, because he has none… only a vast never-ending existence.

She had heard, from his sister, so much about before she entered his life. Supposedly, he had been empty… but then why had he abandoned her to this worse meaninglessness?

She had come to know his soul like her own, his fears of never finding heaven, and her only one know was forgetting him. Every other desire was miniscule next to her need to remember, remember, remember.

And though they’d suffered to be together, he had walked away, leaving her without any assistance on this desperate task. After the fear and the pain and the murder attempts he had simply… discarded it. Forgotten.

I know your fears and you know mine

We’ve had our doubts but now we’re fine…

And she must do everything to avoid from sharing stock in his mistake.

________________________________________________________________________

He wished more than anything he hadn’t had to lie to her. Sometimes he thought this agony would be survivable, if only she knew he loved him. If the burden of this choice wasn’t all on his shoulders, if she’d known, maybe he could endure it.

It was just so hard, to have to say good-bye. To leave her thinking the truest prayers of his heart were perfidy, and the dark lies the only truth, to delude an angel in such a way that she would be hurt. If only their parting had been sweeter… but theirs had been no way to say good-bye. Perhaps than his pain would be lessened.

And I love you, I swear that’s true, I cannot live without you…

Good-bye my lover, good-bye my friend

You have been the one, you have been the one for me,

Good-bye my lover, good-bye my friend

You have been the one, you have been the one for me,

This agony, however, unlightened, unlessened, was utterly unsurvivable.

And yet he must bear it, somehow, somehow.

________________________________________________________________________

The only thing she had left of him were the dreams. They were unequivocally nightmares. Such pain could not be described any other way, and yet she cherished them. It was unbroken time spent with him.

It deserved to be treasured. It was the one sign of his presence he could not steal, and so she would secrete it in her heart, no matter what agony resulted.

And I still hold your hand in mine, in mine when I’m asleep,

If he was only hers in dreams…. “Well, it’s better than nothin’, ain’t it…

She recalled the line from a play she’d seen once. She also remembered the answer.

“Is that all I’m worth, better than nothin’?”

No, my dear. You’re worth less, far less, than nothing…. Especially to him.

________________________________________________________________________

The only thing he had left of her was hope. He was almost ashamed it existed, and yet it was the only thing that kept him alive. He hoped and prayed that someday the last vestiges of his will would collapse.

That he would go back. Imagining that, the scene in which he offered marriage, begged and groveled at her feet, offered his heart with proffered hands, and she accepted it…. It was little more than a daydream, and yet it was all he had.

And I will bare my soul in time, when I’m kneeling at your feet…

His soul, what a joke! And yet if it had one, gladly would he lay it before her, to trample or cherish as she pleased.

________________________________________________________________________

Good-bye my lover.

Good-bye my friend.

You have been the one,

You have been the one for me.

________________________________________________________________________

Good-bye my lover.

Good-bye my friend.

You have been the one,

You have been the one for me.

________________________________________________________________________

The emptiness consumed. The chasm before her reflected perfectly the emptiness of her soul. She wondered if he knew….

I’m so hollow baby,

I’m so hollow,

I’m so, I’m so, I’m so hollow,

He had taken everything from her, and she still wished she had more to give.

________________________________________________________________________

The world was nothing without her. Forever an intolerable agony, his family unwelcome reminders. If only he could have told her the truth…

I’m so hollow baby,

I’m so hollow,

I’m so, I’m so, I’m so hollow,

If only he could give her happiness, that he might have some of his own.

________________________________________________________________________

The music whispered into silence. It took the last hope with it.

Finally, she risked the pain, took the plunge. Agony was nothing to forgetting him…

Edward.

________________________________________________________________________

As the music stilled, so did his final chance. He knew he would never return. He was too strong, and he cursed that strength.

Yet it was best for her. And he had to do what was best for her…

Bella.

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