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Songs Of Sorrow

Summary:
Bella isn't the only one hallucinating during New Moon, and Edward's voice isn't the only agony echoing in her ears. A series of song-fics they hear during their time apart.


Notes:
Well, i own nothing.


2. Bring Me to Life

Rating 0/5   Word Count 1931   Review this Chapter

Again, it was a dark and lonely day… but they all were. This one carried with it an especial burden. She would hear today. She could feel it. It was a gift and an agony. Remembering, and being tortured by it. To know he existed… and to know he would never be hers.

The music began, and this time it was no surprise. It was just another routine part of her empty mockery of an existence.

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It was like the piano he could no longer play, because every note reminded him of the ones he’d played for her. It taunted him, this ghost of his solace. Yes, it had been, in the empty years before her, a lovely retreat from the nothingness of his existence.

Now the grief was in that too. It permeated every drop of him. Everything he saw was touched by her. Everything, everything, was pain.

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At least she had chased away the nothingness. Was the pain preferable? She was never sure. Sometimes she wished she could regain the utter lack of agony. Other times, she was incredibly glad she could feel. Because now, once again, she knew who she was. She was his. And even through all the dizzying haze of hurt, she knew if he came back today, she would run into his arms without a single question asked. She always was. Inside and out, she was empty, but down to her core, she was his.

There was another one. Someone else who helped stop up the wounds in her heart, who could trace through her empty eyes and find what passed for her soul. She wondered how he did it. It was a gift, really. Because to everyone but her savior and her angel’s memory, she was little better than a ghost.

How can you seem to my eyes,

Like open doors?

Breathing you down into my core

Where I’ve become so numb,

Inside, nothing. And yet he found something, the little bit he hadn’t taken. That made her glad, that there was some vestige of life left.

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He didn’t deserve her. He couldn’t deserve her. He had no soul. This was a fundamental belief. If he didn’t stay convinced, he couldn’t stay away, and he had to, he had to, he could never return to the love that would always be the only home of his heart.

And yet if he was soulless, how could this pain be so great? He supposed it could be called a spirit, the thing that animated his body, wracked him with agony, and yet offered no hope for redemption in her arms.

Without a soul,

My spirit sleeping somewhere cold,

Until you find it there and

Lead it back… home.

He would always slumber in the freezing dark waste of his heart, waiting for her. He knew she didn’t know it, but it was true.

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Another voice joined the woman in her head this time. It was a man’s voice, whispered, low and deep and full of pain. It could almost be him, that is, if he were affected at all by their separation.

Which she knew he wasn’t. After all, if he’d ever loved her, he wouldn’t have left her. She winced at the thought, and yet oddly it comforted her, because she couldn’t bear to imagine him in pain.

(Wake me up)

Wake me up inside

Wake me up inside

(Save me)

Call my name and

Save me from the dark

Only he was awake, he was saved. She suffered alone.

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It could very well be her, his love, that sang. He’d never heard her sing, but he was certain her voice would be just this lovely. He sighed at the thought. Yet another thing he would never know about her.

But it couldn’t be her, because it was only he that hurt. She was enjoying a happy human life. He found the music much more appropriate when a male voice, an echo of his own, joined in the song, whispering his agony aloud.

Bid my blood to run

(I can’t wake up)

Before I come undone,

(Save me!)

Save me from the

Nothing I’ve become,

No, his blood would never pulse through his veins. His heart would never beat. But she had brought the echo of those sensations into him.

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It hadn’t been so bad before. When she had never known love, she had been able to function without it. But having him and losing him… she couldn’t bear. It was an entirely different thing.

Before him, she’d never truly known life. He had given it all to her, and then taken it just as easily away again. It had cost him nothing to show her the gift… but he hadn’t left it hers. And no matter how much she begged, he would not return.

Now that I know what I’m without

You can’t just leave me

Breathe into me

And make me real,

Bring me to life.

She was nothing but a ghost. Nothing but a shadow. She needed to be a person again, and for that she needed him. The other one, the friend, helped a little. She existed around him. But to live, she needed love.

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His heart was dead. His soul long gone. His mind a whirlwind of agony. His spirit sleeping somewhere cold. To awaken it, to bring him back to life, he needed her. And he could never have her again.

It was the sad, simple, facts. There was nothing he could do. He could not doom and damn her. And he couldn’t stand this awful living without her. And there was no middle ground. He had no choices but to bear the unbearable.

(Wake me up)

Wake me up inside

Wake me up inside

(Save me)

Call my name and

Save me from the dark

The darkness overwhelmed him… and he would never hear her sweet voice say his name again.

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He was the one who was dead, technically. Technically, she still had a pulse and a need for breath… so she suffered more when the broken organ refused to beat, when the great puncture in her middle blocked out her lungs and refused to allow any breath being drawn.

She had so much more pain. He, the friend, helped her combat it a little. He could keep her functioning. But he couldn’t help with the root cause. Only the one who’d done it could heal the wound… and he was never coming back.

Bid my blood to run

(I can’t wake up)

Before I come undone

(Save me!)

Save me from the nothing I’ve become

Bring me to life.

(I’ve been living a lie

There’s nothing inside)

Bring me to life!

She had to figure out how to exist without him. She didn’t even know where to start. And she knew, whatever the voice in her head said, that he hadn’t lied. He was perfectly full without her. Only she was nothing.

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His touch was cold, even to himself. But it wasn’t just the dead heartbeat, the frigid skin. His sort-of-soul was cold. It was numb and bitter, like a tree whipped into submission by winter winds. There was a great ache where it had once felt, but nothing else.

He was dead- he knew it. And yet she had given him a second life, which he’d had to… to give up. There was no soul inside him, and yet she’d so graciously and innocently given him a portion of hers… which he had returned.

Frozen inside, without your touch,

Without your love, darling,

Only you are the life

Among the dead…

Her touch, warm and soft and ghosting across his skin, the touch of her lips on his… he could still feel it, but what he missed most was the sensation of her love. It was tangible… and it was real… and it was gone.

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The one who’d helped, a little, to numb the pain, wanted her love in return. How could she make him see it wasn’t hers to give? All her love was gone, wasted on a golden absent idol… the one who would never return. He had tried to help her survive the numbness, the nothing, and he had awoken her.

Yet the pain prevented her from love. She couldn’t lie and say she felt anything for him. She liked him, yes. But her love wasn’t hers… it was the angel’s. And the angel was gone. He had taken the light from her world.

(All this time,

I can’t believe I couldn’t see

Kept in the dark,

But you were there in front of me)

I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems

Got to open my eyes to everything.

And though she had and was nothing, she would give him still more.

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He heard the voices, trailing a fresh agony through him. He couldn’t join in. The music in him had been killed. He was nothing but nothingness. He wanted to die… no, he had died. He wanted his body to follow in kind, but it refused.

It was really very unfair. There had to be something he could do. This couldn’t be the only way… and yet it was. He could go back, of course. He could betray her again. No. He couldn’t… he gripped his midsections securely. He had to hold himself together, to hold himself back.

(Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul)

Don’t let me die here

(There must be something more)

Bring me to life…

It wasn’t a perfect song, because the chanted pains mirrored each other, and he… he was alone in agony as in all other things.

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(Wake me up)

Wake me up inside

(I can’t wake up)

Wake me up inside

(Save me)

Call my name and save me from the dark

(Wake me up)

Bid my blood to run

Before I come undone

Save me from the nothing I’ve become

Bring me to life

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Bring me to life

(I’ve been living a lie

There’s nothing inside)

Bring me to life…

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He just didn’t see. He could try and try forever, but he could never give her back her soul. There was only one who could bring her to life, and he was forever lost… but no matter how little he wanted her, she would always need him…

Edward…

She was better off without him. He couldn’t go back. And yet, though she was no longer his, he was hers… and so she was his only, his darling, his warmth, his soul, his light, his love, his life, his…

Bella…