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Darkest Midnight

Summary:
Edwards decision in New Moon - Just a couple of chapters up to the Cullens leaving.


Notes:
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me in any way, shape or form. They are Stephenie Meyer’s fantastic creations and I am only writing this for entertainment purposes, my own and yours if someone else is reading this. In addition, if there is any dialogue Bella is in earshot of, or involved in, it is all Mrs. Meyer’s genius and some of the internal dialogue may be taken from words that Edward will later say or paraphrase to Bella or another character.


1. Not His Fault

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"You might as well do something useful," Alice was the third to send me out of the room. How could I leave her? This was wrong. But they were right; Jasper needed me to tell him it was okay. It wasn't though, but it wasn't his fault. It was mine, I put Bella in this position, I put her in a room with six vampires, seven including myself, she wasn't even safe with me there. Though thankfully I was able to control myself enough to stop Jasper.

A lot of good that did me, I threw her. I could have killed her with that flick of my wrist. This is wrong.

"Jasper!" I yelled, not too loud, I knew he was nearby. I could hear his torturous thoughts. "Don't be ridiculous man, no one is blaming you, Bella is more worried about you being upset than anything, just come home."

Don't come any closer Edward, I will not come back until Bella is gone and then I will go. I have no business with this family, I cannot control myself. I flinched, I have put him in this situation, I have put the whole family in this situation, I should be the one who has to sacrifice, not him or Alice.

"Jasper, listen, you don't have to go anywhere, you can control yourself, you do it everyday. She was very close, trust me, I understand, you know I do." I tried to sound nonchalant, I am not sure it was working.

You did not try to attack her, I did. He did, but I can't say that it wasn't my first instinct, but I love her and knew that it would kill me, he didn't have the advantage of loving her to stop him, I understood that.

"Can I come over there? We should talk, face to face," I pleaded. I didn't want to just tell him it wasn't his fault, he needed to see it in my eyes, to really understand that I wasn't, no one was, blaming him.

"I can feel it you know, your anxiety, if you are afraid to tell me how awful I am, go on, I deserve it." he scowled as I found him sitting in a clearing, one that probably hadn't been there minutes before. I frowned; my anxiety had nothing to do with him. It was about what I knew I had to do. I didn't think I could make a decision like this, not after she changed my life so much, but it was what I had to do. Later, I would think about it after I calmed Jasper.

"Again, you didn't do anything that all of us, except maybe Carlisle, didn't want to do." Why was I so weak?

Jasper's eyes met mine and he misinterpreted my glower. You hate me. I almost killed the one thing you love. I just shook my head.

"I am the one that almost killed her, throwing her across that table," I remembered.

"Only because I would have had her in my grips if you hadn't, her life would have been over if you had hesitated. I was going to kill her; I was going to rip her throat out. I was going to gorge on her blood. How can you NOT hate me?" I tried not to listen to his thoughts as he remembered the desire to drain the reason for my being of her existence.

"She is not the only one I love, you, my family, all of you are important to me as well." Though at the time, it was her, my life, that was in danger. "I would never hate you, any of you." I could see the monster Jasper saw, it was much like what I saw in myself. I could tell this statement hurt him - YOU HAVE TO HATE ME! - though I didn't understand why. "Jasper, why did that bother you, you scream that I have to hate you, my brother, you know that I could never..."

His voice grew dark and angry, "Edward, if it were reversed, and you tried to kill Alice, I wouldn't be out here consoling you, I would be here to rip you to pieces. And I would not have tried to understand how you were feeling; you would be dead, my brother or not!" The monster he pictured in his head, it gave me no doubts that this was the truth, but it was irrelevant. "I know you love her, as much as I love Alice, I can feel it."

"Jasper, this is my fault. I put you in this situation; I put her in this situation. Surely you can feel that I am not angry, or if you feel anger, please know that it only myself I am irate with."

"Uggh. Edward, if I didn't know any better, and if you weren't a Vampire of course, I would think you were a saint!" a small smile flashed on his face, but quickly faded to a scowl. This moment of humor seemed to make it worse. " I am going to go, I know you don't want me to, I know that you are blaming yourself, but I need some time away from humans, I won't make Alice go if she doesn't want to. "

I understood. "Alice probably has her bag ready," I said knowingly. She would see this coming. But what else does she see? I continued, "Besides, I think the rest of the family will be close behind."

Confusion filled Jasper's eyes. Why would you all leave? No one was hurt too badly, Bella was hurt worse before; this would be easy to explain away. She is a klutz; her dad would never suspect the truth.

"Carlisle has been concerned we have stayed to long for a while now. I think he may be right." I said simply. He was not satisfied.

If you take her now, everyone will know it was you. My throat went dry, if my heart had beat in a hundred years, it would have stopped with that thought. I wasn't ready to accept my decision, it wasn't made yet. Jasper seemed, well, he did feel my pain and looked down. You really are a saint; though, she won't let you. That girl of yours is stubborn. I knew that. I shook my head.

Smiling, but only in expression, I sighed, "I know, I have not figured that part out yet. I think that will be the hardest thing, hurting her, maybe more than I did tonight. But you know humans, they bounce back." I looked down. "Rosalie will be happy," I added with a shrug.

Will you be okay? Can you forget, bounce back? I am so sorry I did this, I will never forgive myself.

I shook my head again, "It is the right thing, it would have become apparent soon enough. Actually, I think that what had happened last spring should have been the end, but she made me promise then, and now I see that I should have never made that promise, it isn't safe, it never was, it is better if I leave her." If my voice could crack, it would have when I said that. Could I leave her? Could I just walk away and never look back? Would I survive? It didn't matter, she would, and that is all I cared about.

Jaspers thoughts were still as dark as they had been when I found him, I should not have shared this part of my plan with him, it was just more he was blaming himself for.

We should talk about where we are going to go. Hopefully not too far, I couldn't tell. Alice was close.

"Jasper!" she screamed when she saw us. Her eyes narrowed, is he okay? I shook my head and lowered my eyes.

"Take care of him," I whispered to her. To him, "Brother, like I said, quit blaming yourself, Bella may be the most accident prone person on the planet, but she is strong. She has to be, she is in love with a vampire, remember!?" I laughed with no humor in my voice. It wasn't funny, it was wrong. I didn't look back as I headed to the house. He would be okay; he had what mattered to him, Alice.

I had to do this; but right now, I had to be sure Bella was okay. Really okay. I wouldn't do it tonight, soon though. I would talk to Carlisle after I took her home, he would know that I was right.