Edwards decision in New Moon - Just a couple of chapters up to the Cullens leaving.
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me in any way, shape or form. They are Stephenie Meyer’s fantastic creations and I am only writing this for entertainment purposes, my own and yours if someone else is reading this. In addition, if there is any dialogue Bella is in earshot of, or involved in, it is all Mrs. Meyer’s genius and some of the internal dialogue may be taken from words that Edward will later say or paraphrase to Bella or another character.
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The car ride home had been silent; I had to think this through. I did not want to scare her. I did not want to leave her either, but this wasn’t a choice anymore. Carlisle will agree, he has to…he has to know, after tonight, we are not good for Bella, I am not good for Bella.
She made me promise to stay with her tonight. I would, of course, but I would also go home and talk to Carlisle tonight after she slept.
She received her gifts well, better than I would have ever thought. She is being generous, she can sense something. My gift – a simple CD of my music – she acts as if I gave her the world. She is my world.
I kiss her; a long, hard, irresponsible kiss. A last kiss, maybe? Did she notice? I can’t bear the thought of hurting her. But even less I can’t bear the thought of putting her in so much danger. Her life was what is most important, no my happiness. Her happiness was my life, and even with me gone she could be happy again. If I stayed, she may end up dead, or worse. I knew this was a possibility from the start.
After a time, after she muttered my name several times, breaking my heart with every sound I decided it was time to talk with my father. Kissing her forehead as she woke to get ready for school as any ordinary day, I slipped out her window.
As I arrived home I could hear a medley of my family, busing themselves with packing and preparations. Jasper was not there. Alice was on the porch waiting for me. I didn’t see it until Jasper had left, I told Carlisle you would be back to talk to him, he understood. This is a mistake, but one I think you will have to make. She was not going to let me see her visions. She had shown me Bella and my future on so many occasions, a future I was determined that would not happen. Now I know it never will. Alice doesn’t like to be wrong; this is why she hides these thoughts from me.
I shook my head. If we could cry, we both would be in tears now. You won’t come with us. I saw that. I couldn’t tell for how long, but I won’t see you for some time. Jasper and I will not join the family for the time either. Rosalie and Emmett have decided to stay with Esme and Carlisle. I frowned, I hadn’t really thought about it, but I guess I was not going to stay with the family; I had something else to occupy my time, something to further ensure Bella’s safety. Even if I was not part of her life, she was most important and I would take all precautions to protect her precious life.
A slight grin crossed Alice’s face. You will suck at it! I looked at her curiously. I had to ask, “Suck at what?”
All of it. She turned and walked into the house. I followed close behind still trying to understand her cryptic answer.
Edward, I am in the study. Carlisle knew I still wanted to talk, even if the family knew my intentions and seemed to oblige them.
I walked in the once warm inviting office, noticing the books were already off the shelves, the paintings taken down and boxed. “I’m sorry for this,” I sighed.
A flash of anger blazed in my loving father’s face. Do not apologize for trying to be happy! You tried and I understand why you need us to leave. Beside, I couldn’t stay much longer, thirty three is pushing it. My family’s kindness was making it worse; no one was mad, upset, or even annoyed. I have ruined their peaceful lives in this nice town because of my selfish need to be with Bella.
My beautiful Bella! How could I leave her? How could I walk away from her knowing the love I felt for her was returned? I could do this; I was doing it for her. She would hate me, but as long as she was safe I could live with that.
Son, please talk to Esme, she needs to know you are going to be okay. I left the room with a nod, not having said another word.
I ran into Rose on my way to see Esme, her smug stare made it unnecessary for me to read her thoughts, but I did anyway. I told you it wouldn’t work. The look of pain in my eyes must have softened her a bit though, her next thought was kinder. You will be fine, Bella will be better off.
“Thanks,” I whispered.
Emmett came up behind Rosalie suddenly. I didn’t have to read his thoughts he would tell me before I had time to hear. Probably better that way since nothing he said would be cheering, quite the opposite actually. “Did we sufficiently scare the brave out of her? ‘Took us long enough, huh?” Rosalie elbowed him hard enough to make him flinch. A look of guilty apology replaced the grin he always wore.
If only we had scared her. It would have been natural that she should be scared, never want to see me, or my family again. But not her; she had this peculiar characteristic that made her overlook the monster that I was, the monster we all could be. This would be easier if she was scared.
I patted Emmett’s back as I passed by on my way to see Esme, no hard feelings. He was just being Emmett.
I surprised Esme when I came in her room. “Oh, Edward!” she cried. I could only smile long enough to let her know I was glad to see her.
“Is Bella okay? Are you?” she asked in such a caring and unnerving voice I almost shivered.
No, we are not okay is all I could think, but I answered, “She will be fine, as soon as I finish this.” I could not answer for myself; I could not tell my mother that it would all but kill me to leave this creature. I could not tell her that I would be empty for all eternity, but only planned to remain alive as long as I was needed to ensure Bella’s safety. I would not tell this woman who had been my mother for longer than long that I would be only half a person after this, that my life meant nothing now. She didn’t need to know all of this, only that everything would work out.
She watched me closely as all of this passed through my head and her eyes grew dark with concern. “Edward, have you thought this through? Are you sure this is right?”
“Yes, it is right for Bella. And for me.” That was a lie.
“I am not the one you have to convince that it is right Edward, but you will not convince anyone like that.” Her eyes drilling into me, I felt I needed to look away. I did. She slowly turned back to packing knowing I could not give her a better answer.
I moved to her and gave her a hug, a hug only a son could give his mother. I wanted it to be reassuring, but it only made her mind worry more. “Don’t worry about me mom, I will be fine.” I smiled at the untruth, I did not fool her.
I went back in to see Carlisle. I needed to let him know what I was going to do. He was covering his desk now, I went to help him. Edward, you should go back to her, you don’t have much time left.
“I wanted to let you know what my plans are,” I started simply. “I will go to school as normal tomorrow and will tell her after, so that Charlie will be there for her. You should go on; I will be leaving, but I will not be joining you. What did you tell the hospital?”
Carlisle sighed, “I told them I received a job offer in L.A., they were sorry I was leaving but understood.” He paused, “Edward…you will be careful right?”
I smiled at that. “I will, I just need to be sure Bella is safe.” I wasn’t sure that was the truth either. I would be sure she was safe, but being careful wasn’t a priority. I turned to leave but thought of something I should relay. “Carlisle, once Alice joins you again, please ask her not to look into Bella’s future, I am going to completely remove myself from her life and I think it is best that the rest of the family does the same.” He nodded, I will ask, but she won’t listen. I will talk to her, and she will for me I thought.
As I went down the stairs, not in a hurry to return to Bella’s because it would become harder and more of a reality when I looked at her. It was nearly morning now; she would be waiting for me.
Alice bolted in front of me as I reached for the door. “Wait, I want to ride with you today!” she sang.
“No Alice. You should go.” I gave her a look that told her I was serious.
“But Edward, I didn’t really think that you wouldn’t let me say goodbye,” her eyes fell.
“It will be easier for her, quick and painless…,” so many lies tonight.
She is the only human friend I ever had; she is like a sister to me. How can I not say goodbye? But she saw it in my eyes, my mind was made up. She sulked away still attempting to plead with me, hoping I would turn and stop her. I didn’t.
I sighed and quietly went to my car to pick up Bella for the last time to take her to school. This would be a hard day.