Text Size Large SizeMedium SizeSmall Size    Color Scheme Black SchemeWhite SchemeGrey SchemePaper Scheme        

A Shadow of the Midnight Sun

Summary:
My take on Midnight Sun after reading Stephenie's first chapter...begining with the return from Alaska Chapter 15 posted!---- NEXT CHAPTER...PORT ANGELAS ---- Just a note: This story is getting increasingly difficult, but I will try to update regularly...Edward is just so complicated!


Notes:
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me in any way, shape or form. They are Stephenie Meyer’s fantastic creations and I am only writing this for entertainment purposes, my own and yours if someone else is reading this. In addition, if there is any dialogue Bella is in earshot of, or involved in, it is all Mrs. Meyer’s genius and some of the internal dialogue may be taken from words that Edward will later say or paraphrase to Bella or another character.


11. Selfish

Rating 4.7/5   Word Count 2362   Review this Chapter

Selfish

Alice knew something had changed, but I did not look to see what she was seeing. I stayed in my room for the remainder of the afternoon listening to music, trying to drive Bella Swan from my mind. I knew it was wrong. The feelings I was having for her were wrong. I was a monster, she a human, two beings that should not mix. The only thing that could come from the pairing would be death for the weaker of the two. It was the food chain, it couldn’t be denied.

But even with this knowledge, it did not change my desire. The desire for her blood, ever present, was now being eclipsed by the new feelings. I wanted her. I needed her. But how? She did not know what I was and if she did she would surely run from me. This undeniable knowledge hurt. I could not fathom how the outcome could be positive for either of us.

As the night overtook Forks I decided I needed to leave the house; go somewhere that there were no voices to push from my head. I walked downstairs carefully timing it so that I would not run into anyone. Unfortunately, Alice seemed to be waiting for me.

I can’t see what you are going to do. She looked worried.

“Alice,” I whispered, “I am just going to clear my head, nothing more.”

I know; I am not worried about you hurting her, I just never known you to be so indecisive. She shrugged and hugged me. “It will all work out,” she was smiling as she sprinted up the stairs. She knew that her enigmatic tendencies drove me mad, and since I could read her thoughts she was always careful to be sure she stayed just as cryptic in her head. I didn’t even try; I just wanted to leave it all behind, just for a few hours.

I ran. I did not have a destination, or I did not think that I had a destination. But just as suddenly as I had left, I had arrived somewhere that I never would have imagined myself. I was standing in the woods just east of Fork’s own Police Chief Charlie Swan’s house. I stood there, unmoving for hours, listening to the sounds of the television and the one voice I could hear from the house. I would not know she was there if it were not for her scent. Even from a hundred feet, I had become so in tune with her scent I could pick it out from all others. It was both heaven and hell for me now.

I could not force myself to leave my post. I watched over the house until I could only hear the quiet dreams of her father. It had become very late and I was not sure what I was going to do, but then, as if someone else was in control of my body I had moved to her window and then inside to her room. I had seen the room in Alice’s vision, it was the same.

Bella was fast asleep and I could do nothing but watch her in awe. She was beautiful, everything about her; her scent, her body, even her mind, which I could not see but have had glimpses of. I had never felt this way about anyone. My breath caught in my chest as I wrapped my mind around my thoughts and feelings.

Realization came to me as I stood watching this lovely creature sleep. It was her, Isabella Swan. I felt it inside, she was meant for me. Her blood was meant for me. Her beauty was meant for me. Her life was mine. I needed to talk to her. I needed to be her friend. I needed to be so much more.

But I knew I had to fight it. I had to. I needed to save this thing that was meant for me from myself. I knew I deserved this torture, I knew that what I am is reason enough to deserve such torment, but what about her? My Bella. What had she done to deserve the peril her life was now in? Was she the demon I had thought she was that first day or just a pawn in some quest to punish my kind? She was mine and I would save her. She would never know the sacrifice this was, it was all for her and she would never know.

I stood motionless in the corner of her room, wanting to leave. I wanted to remove myself from the temptation. The bloodlust. But the other part of me wanted to remain and enjoy the pleasure of being in the same room with her. She was asleep, as long as I could practice my restraint this was something I could do and be near her.

I shouldn’t be near her, I knew this. I needed to continue with the original plan, ignore her and let her forget me. She would continue on with her normal human life and I could continue with my eternal damnation. It was simple. She would eventually find someone to love, someone like Newton or Yorkie. The anger from these thoughts crept into my throat. I didn’t want her to find someone else, she was mine. She belonged to me. These thoughts lingered until I felt that I may need to leave, not just her room at this moment, but leave Forks in order to avoid the temptation she was provoking.

Lost in my mind, I was startled when I heard her voice. “Edward.” I jumped to remove myself from the room, I had been caught. But just as I was at the window she rolled to her side and mumbled my name again followed by a sigh. She was asleep. I watched her closely. As soon as I was sure of her unconsciousness I took a breath.

As the event unfurled itself in my mind, I suddenly felt as if I might be floating. She was dreaming of me. I was in her thoughts and she was neither angry nor aggravated. She sounded as if my name, as if I, might be pleasing to her. Dare I believe this? My cold, lifeless heart was now full, my unnecessary lungs felt as if they were constricted, I needed to breath but couldn’t. I sat down in a chair that was in the corner of her room, careful not to make a sound. I relaxed as my breathing returned to normal, but the rapture I felt did not subside. Could her love belong to me as well?

I did not deserve this. I knew I did not. I was meant to be tortured by this girl, not made whole. Until this moment I had not realized that I was not whole within myself, but with the possibilities that were now ahead of me I knew I could not live with out her. I would not live without her, not if she wanted to be with me. My chest eased as I made the decision, I would befriend this angel. But only to protect her, I also knew I would not encourage her to love me as I would love her, I would encourage just the opposite, ask her to run from me, the monster I was, but I would always wish for what I really wanted. Her.

I recognized it was wrong. I knew I was being selfish.

I worked out my first move; she was planning a trip to Seattle, alone. Her father had worried about her safety and now I was as well, fate could not take her from me now and if I let her go alone it may try. This miracle was not meant for me, but it was so close, I could only hope. I sat and watched her for a short time but knew I needed to take care of a few things before the day began.

--

I arrived home with a small amount of time left before the dawn. I quickly readied myself and sat impatiently in the living room waiting for the rest. Carlisle arrived home from a late shift while I was waiting.

Edward, what’s going on? He was surprised to see me; I usually was not in any hurry to go to school.

“Nothing,” I started, but then decided that I should let him know part of my decision, the rest of them would know soon enough. I sighed, “Okay, there is something, if you have a moment.”

Nodding his head he moved to sit on the chair opposite me. Go ahead.

How could I start? “Carlisle, I have changed my mind about Bella Swan.” I paused to see his reaction. He just looked at me in interest, waiting for me to continue. “What I mean is that I don’t think I am going to ignore her anymore, she didn’t reveal what happened that day and I think it is safe to be friendly.” I said that last word slowly, letting the connotation of the word be unclear, even to myself. “I just wanted you to be aware, since I believe it will incite anger from some of the family, but you said it was my decision to make and this is what I want now.”

He was thinking now, I tried not to listen so that he could give me his answer when he was ready. “Edward,” a smile on his face, “I trust you to do what is right, if being a friend to Ms. Swan is important to you, then you should be just that.”

“Thank you,” was all I could say before my siblings’ thoughts alerted me to their looming presence.

Good luck he thought sincerely as I moved from the couch.

I settled into the car as the rest of them took their respective places. I knew this would not be a pleasant trip. The worry on my face alerted Alice. Don’t worry, it won’t be as bad as you think, she winked at me with a sly smile. Nothing can ever happen without her knowing how it going to turn out, but this time I was glad, her thought gave me hope.

“Listen, I have to tell you all something.” I started, realizing the statement seemed ominous. They all stopped speaking and their thoughts quieted waiting for me to continue. “Well, I have changed my mind…”

You have to say it out loud Edward, we are not mind readers! Rosalie, of course, was in a foul mood this morning. This announcement should make it better, I though glumly. I almost thought better of telling them, it would be much easier for them to just see or hear about it at school, they wouldn’t make a scene there. I shook this off; it was ridiculous to be afraid of my family.

Deciding I would continue, I sighed, “I am going to befriend Bella Swan.” I said it so fast that I thought maybe they would not even understand me. But then I heard their different replies, all coming at once.

“No, you promised!” Rosalie hissed.

Emmett laughed, “Knew he couldn’t last!”

“Finally, I thought he was going to drive me mad.” Jasper whispered. Sorry man, your depression was getting to me, he said silently.

Alice just smirked.

All of this happened at once. I was not sure which way to direct my stare. “So what are you all saying?” I ask the entire car as a whole.

“It is stupid, Edward, but you seem to have a weak spot for this girl. You have been pouting around like a five year old for weeks now and I was just waiting for you to break…”Emmett was enjoying this, he liked me being weak. It made him feel like the strongest of the three of us.

Rosalie smacked him in the back of the head. “Don’t be stupid, he can’t do this, it is too risky.” Her thoughts were livid, stupid boy putting our lives in danger so he can talk to an ordinary human girl. Of all the idiotic things…

“I am not doing anything to put us in danger,” I promised them. “I am just going to be polite and speak to her instead of ignoring her completely. Nothing to worry about…If I can’t handle it I will go back to the original plan.”

Alice shook her head almost imperceptibly, she knew my intentions. I won’t tell. I know it will be fine.You shouldn’t lie though; it will just make it worse. I glared at her, warning her to stay quiet.

Then I began to file through what had been said, “Hey, Jas, what do you mean depressed? I have not been depressed. And I do not pout, Emmett.” A brief silence was followed by a round of laughter from most of the car. Rosalie was the only one not joining in with the pleasure the car was getting from my denial

Alice, finally able to control her amusement, decided to respond. “Edward, I don’t think I have ever met anyone who mopes more than you, even before Bella Swan. And ever since she arrived it has gotten so bad that Jasper has been unable to fight it off.”

It’s true, Jasper nodded when I caught his eye in the rearview mirror. I did not know what they could be talking about. I had been normal these past weeks, I may have thought about Bella some, but I was not depressed. I could not comprehend their accusations. And Alice thought that I was always moping? I was a content person, I have never looked for anything more than I have. My siblings were only being facetious; there was no truth to it.

I looked at Rosalie for an answer; she would tell me the truth. She noticed me looking at her and sneered, “Please Edward, you are the biggest baby I have ever seen.” This declaration brought the car to hysterics, causing a growl to form at the back of my throat.

Alice patted my shoulder “Oh Edward, don’t be mad, it’s part of your charm.”

“Yeah, there is nothing more charming than a hundred year old, brooding, tormented vampire!” Emmett added, even Rosalie laughing this time. Luckily we were in the parking lot of the high school or I may have pounced on him right then.