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Edward loves his lambchoppy feast.

A crack-fic. Don't mind me.

1. Lambchops

Rating 5/5   Word Count 808   Review this Chapter

Jasper stared after the human, his blood pulsing deliciously in his veins. Gabriel could feel the glittery black eyes – sparkly – on his back as he quickened his pace, not daring to look back. He wasn’t slowing down. Jasper was coming for him – that much was certain.

In panic, Gabriel screamed, “RAPE!”

A girl with thick brown hair and a messenger bag walked out from behind a random barrel. “Did somebody say rape? Yays for rape!” she cried, speeding toward Gabriel and the vampire. As she ran, she cast off her belt of weaponry, tossing it in the air, hitting Jasper as it fell.

“SQUEE!” he squeed.

Gabriel, momentarily confused, now seized his chance. He ran, flailing his arms hysterically as he went – almost like a Muppet™. Along the way, he screamed at the top of his lungs, “GANGRAPE!”

Puzzled, the spastic emo-punk armed with a deadly arsenal of weapons – her wit *snort* -- shrugged. It wasn’t all that odd, anyway. Anime characters do crazier things.

“Jesus! You Mexican! What’s wrong withchu? Oh….lo siento. Hay-Zeus. I forgot you only speak Mexican, like I do.” Jasper puffed up his chest and stared off into the distance, giving Miraida a very sexy view of his rather prominent nose. Oh, ah, sorry. His profile.

Miraida muttered, “Stupid Confed.”

“HAY!” He coughed. “I mean, HEY! DUDE! IMA EACCHUU!”

For all those normal English speakers, that was, “Mothafucka, you better watch yo mouth or I’ma eat yo ass!”

Miraida was clearly unfazed. “Whatever, bloodsucker. If you have some important blood to suck, I suggest you get to it.”

At this point, the mere powerless.....Chinese girl…..stepped in a Z-formation out of the alley. Jasper noticed.

“Fool, please. Now I know you didn’t just walk in a Z-formation out of that alley,” he screamed after her.

“Ohhhhhhhhh,” Miraida gangsta-chanted. “You just got sixth-grade dissed!”

“RAWR! Foolish mortals! I banish thee from the forest!” Jasper screamed.

Every lion and lamb within a mile radius trembled.

Another girl entered the scene. It was Brooke. What more can I say about her?

“What a nice party,” she said sarcastically. “Now stop strangling my boyfriend. If you want to, that is.”

For indeed, Gavin was being strangled by Jasper. Jasper looked down at his hands.

“Oh noes!”

“Psshhhh. Keep strangling for all I care. Steal his jacket after he dies and UPS it to me. Just one more to add to my collection. Peace out, fools.”

At which point, she exited rather dramatically. Until she caught her foot on another, different, random barrel.

The Chinese girl had, apparently, mysteriously disappeared. And who cared about Gavin anyway?

Miraida heaved a weight-of-the-world sigh.

“Have you ever said, you know, one of those things, that you say?”

Jasper looked at her. “Words?”

“YES! That’s it!”

“I hate you!” Jasper squeed once more.

“You have the emotional stability of a teenage hormonal girl!” Edward squeed from his above stone bird nest.

“Shut up, Birdy. I’m not the birdy one that sleeps birdy bird nests every night! Did you tell Bella that, huh Birdy? HUH?”

Edward glared. “No. I -- ” He squeed, then: “YAY! IT’S MY LAMBCHOPS!”

For indeed, it was his lambchops.

A klutzy, yet somehow sexy and edible, vampy girl stalked onto the roof.

“EDDY?!” she squeed, tripping on a stone fetal bird.

“BELLSIE! You just killed Fetal Ryan! He was so…so….fetal!”

Bella stomped on the stone fetal corpse. Between jumping in the air and crashing down on the bird, she spoke. “Edward” – stomp – “you know” – stomp – “that you can’t be mad” – stomp – “at me!”

A pained expression crossed his face. He whispered painfully. “I…I’m so full of pain…But you’re right.” His voice broke, and he fell to the ground sobbing. “Please forgive me, Bellsie! Oh my lovely lambchoppy feast, please forgive me!”

Bella looked down in scorn. “You know I don’t like it when you call me food, Edward,” she said in a dangerous voice. “Just ‘cause I let you eat some of me doesn’t mean you can call me names.”

Edward, trembling on the floor, looked up. He was really trying hard not to cry. Except that he couldn’t cry anyway.

“Bella – Bella the beautiful gloriously amazing wonderful -- ” He stopped. “You know what? Screw this. I’ma go make out with Jasper.”

With that, he dashed off the roof and into his brother’s waiting arms.

“It’s about time, bitch!” Jasper squeed.

“Let’s go run into the sunset with all of our gay vampy-ness!” Edward squeed back.

Small insects, snails, and snakes trumpeted mini-horns and unfurled mini-gay pride flags.

And with that, the two incredibly hot -- and gay -- vampires ran super-humanly into the not-yet-setting noontime sun.

Which left Miraida and Bella alone…together…in a dark alley.

“Well, this is awkward.”