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Harry Potter and the Random Crossover Slash Pairings of Doom

or Harry Potter and the Astronomically Titled Series or Harry Potter and the Improbably Lengthy Title or Harry Potter and the High Fangirls Crack!Fic one-shot. Angela/Bella, Harry!Ben/Edward coauthored by abby, who's too freakin' lazy to get an account. Enjoy.

you get the point. Consider this a crossover/slash parody. I have no problem with slash, except it often consists of character walking in, characters making out, character leaving. I own nothing.

1. Harry Potter and the Edward Angst

Rating 5/5   Word Count 1188   Review this Chapter

Bella rubbed the side of her neck nervously. This wouldn’t be a pleasant conversation, not at all. She hated to hurt him this way.

“Love, what’s wrong?” Edward asked, and she sighed.

“Edward, I have to tell you something.”

“Anything. You can trust me, no matter what.”

She drew in a deep breath. “Edward, I’m a lesbian.”

He bent his head to the side, looking at her in utter confusion. Suddenly, insight and new determination showed on his face. “What? I didn’t know you were interested in theatre, Bella. I’d be happy to arrange classes, or auditions, or anything you want. There’s a major movie being filmed, I could probably bribe the director… I mean, I’m sure your talent would be exceptional enough to get you the part.”

“Not a thespian. Lesbian.



“What does that mean?”

“It means…” again, she breathed deeply. This would be harder than she thought. He might be a hundred years old, but Edward was very… innocent. Or maybe naïve was the word. Or possibly just plain stupid. “It means I don’t love you. I love Angela. I’m sorry,” she sobbed. “If I could change the way I feel to make you happy, I would… I still love you, just not the same way… You deserve better. Good-bye.”

With tears glistening on her cheeks, Bella ran from the room. The door slammed behind her.

Edward clutched his stomach and fell to the floor, sobbing. His entire world had shattered in a single word… or several sentences. It’s a minor difference.

Agony rippled through his entire body, and he gasped tearlessly.

He wasn’t enough for her, no matter how much he tried. Finally, she’d seen what a monster he truly was, and done what he’d always thought he should want her to. From the beginning, he’d hoped she could be happy with someone else, with someone human.

Funny how much it hurt to get what he wanted.

Be careful what you wish for…

A humorless laugh briefly replaced the sobs. Then he realized again that he would be alone for all eternity.

Italy. He needed Italy.

An end to the pain was all he could desire…

And then he remembered something… she… had said. “Angela,” he mused aloud. “Isn’t Angela a girl?”

Ben and Angela sat side by side upon the couch at Ben’s house. It was a common enough occurrence, as fanfiction writers of all sorts had a tendency to stick them there in order to throw the outrageous exploits of Edward and Bella into even sharper contrast. The ironic movie pick for today was Bloodsuckers with Awesome Cars.

Ben particularly admired the BMW of the blonde vampire.

Angela… didn’t.

Suddenly, disrupting their charmingly normal evening, a shadow appeared, haunting their stairway. As the Volvo onscreen bent into a pretzel around a tree because of its ridiculous speed, the ominous music playing from the speakers rose. Angela turned at a sudden slight sound and saw the dark figure.

She screamed.

The figure dashed over, slapped a hand over her mouth, and began tugging furiously on her ponytail.

Angela would have said it, but she was being gagged, so it was Ben who stated the obvious.

“Edward Cullen, what are you doing in my house, and more importantly, why the hell are you tugging at my girlfriend’s hair?”

“Girlfriend… ha!” Edward explained. “She’s no girl…” he edited hastily… “He’s no girl! The vile deceiver had deceived us all! Traitor! Liar! Fiancee-thief!”

Ben stared blankly at him. “Uh… what?”

Angela attempted to explain, or for that matter, breathe. Edward tugged again at her hair. Finally, he removed his hand from her mouth, noticing her purple coloring. He didn’t know much about humans, but two times through medical school had given him some hint that purple wasn’t a healthy color. A rasping noise escaped Angela’s throat as she drew in a much-needed breath.

“This is my guess, Ben. I think Bella likes me, and Edward has come here, under the assumption that I’m a guy, to try and yank off my wig. Am I right, Eddie?”

“Only one out of three right, Hermione. Not quite up to your usual standards, I’m afraid,” Edward muttered under his breath. “And don’t call me Eddie.” Then he paused. “Wait. Yeah, actually, they were all right. Three for three, congratulations!”

Angela smirked victoriously. Something occurred to her. “Wait. Did you just call me a fictional character’s name?”

“You are a fictional character,” Edward reminded her. “In fact, everyone here is a fictional character--except me, of course. I am so incredibly awesome that my sexiness has convinced thousands of fangirls across the globe that I am, in fact, real. And as someone famous sort of said, ‘Remember Cedric Diggory and/or Edward Cullen, who are coincidentally played be the same actor, who coincidentally really needs his eyebrows plucked, and they will live on, at least in our hearts… forever. Remember Robert Pattinson’s characters.’” Edward took a deep and totally unnecessary breath. “Oh, Bella, Bella, however will I live without you! Ouch! I said her name accidentally! It’s sending splinters of pain through my dead, dead, heart...”

At that precise moment, Bella charged in. “Angela! Angela!”

They threw themselves at each other, and, without warning, suddenly altered both their life plans and their sexuality by making out with extreme fervor. Edward and Ben’s eyes met.

Ignoring the kissing girls, Edward and Ben spoke in a perfectly normal tone. “So, you read Harry Potter, Edward?”

“Love it! Do you read?”

“No… I have a confession to make. I… I am Harry Potter.”

Edward peered at Ben, who pulled spectacles and a wand out of his pocket. Edward squee-ed like a teenaged fangirl.

“You’re Harry! Harry Potter!”

“Yes,” Ben/Harry stated in an accent. Edward found it somehow… alluring.

A yelp came from the far side of the room. “Oh, Angela!”

Harry rolled his eyes.

“So… Harry. I have a question.” Edward looked and felt more terror than he ever had before. He didn't know if he could take a second rejection.


“I have to know… whenever I read the books, I always think you’re so… so… intriguing. Attractive. Sexy. Is that wrong?”

Harry smiled. “Of course not.”

The second sudden same-sex couple snogged. Wizards were much more resilient than humans because the author’s lazy, so Edward could finally feel total abandon and passion. He realized suddenly this was what he’d always been looking for as he kissed the man of his fanboying dreams.

Bella’s shirt flew across the room and landed on Ben’s head, but no one even noticed.

To sum it up, all went well. The couples found true happiness, in each other’s arms… and there’s one thing you can say.

Happy endings ensued.

Ten Years and Twenty Thousand Miles Away

“Italy,” Ginny Weasley sobbed. “I need… Italy.”