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Being Her

Summary:
A series of one-shots in Claire's perspective throughout the series For Her.


Notes:
Um, will not go in any order. they come as i get bored enough to write them. PSSSTTT if you want a new story, go review with her!


27. Might Have Beens

Rating 4.5/5   Word Count 774   Review this Chapter

It was the girl I would have been that I missed most of all. Usually, I could live with the two voices in the back of my mind, whispering cruelties in my ear.

One hissed, “Go on, you coward. How scared can you be? Tell Quil you love him. Even if you’re not sure yet. Because you should. Look at what he’s done for you! Look at how he loves you! And you do love him, you know you do, how could you not? He’s everything perfect, sweet and devoted and gentle and kind and funny and handsome. You love him. He loves you. What’s the problem?”

The other, no less painful, urges the opposite. “Run away, idiot. You can’t trust him. You can’t trust anyone, not now, and not ever. Or didn’t the first lesson hurt enough? I would have thought it would teach even a fool like you. But apparently you can’t understand that. Maybe this time it’ll work, when he turns on you (and he will you know he will everyone does it’s just the way life is for you), maybe then you’ll understand.”

They both sound like my father. I recognize the voice, and, with effort, ignore it almost always. There are few times when that can bother me. It’s merely a constant murmur in the deepest recess of my consciousness.

The dreams only disturb me sometimes, and usually only when they involve Quil. Apparently, my subconscious agrees with the devil in my brain.

And I can never run fast enough.

But this is a constant facet of my life. It rarely bothers me, since I spend most of my time ignoring it.

It doesn’t get to me. When I let the pain trickle over into my real thoughts, that’s the problem. And it’s this path of speculation that’s worst of all.

I wonder who I would be, if it had never happened. I miss that girl.

In my mind, I call her Claire Denson, the name I forswore for myself, because I can’t bear to hear it. My new name, Claire Young, signifies my rebirth, but also the long, long time I was dead before it.

Claire Denson kept her name, because she never knew the pain. It’s that simple. She grew up with her mother and her sister, an intelligent and self-sufficient child. She has the same friends as me, the quirky and unusual girlfriends who shared everything, laughter and gossip and even a few boys here and there.

Claire Denson had her first boyfriend when she was thirteen. She still remembered how angry Quil had been, the look on his face like he wanted to dismember poor Will Uley.

She’d had two other boys ask her out. Claire Denson, like me, is far from the prettiest girl in town, but she has a good body and clear skin and a confidence that sends the boys after her.

But she ignores most of the suits, after a while. She doesn’t care.

She waited for her fifteenth birthday. Quil had to obey Sam’s order to wait, but he’d told her he was a werewolf, and that he’d imprinted on her, before she was really old enough to understand, even. He’d never kept a secret from her.

The day (the moment, probably) that she turned fifteen, Quil had bounded into her house and said in a sweet voice, his dark eyes shining, “Claire, will you go out with me?”

It was so adorably innocent. She remembers laughing aloud, and the hurt in his eyes after that.

She cured that disappointment, walking to him, and, before she could even think about it, kissing him.

Claire Denson told her girlfriends the story of how she lost her virginity to Quil on her sixteenth birthday, their first anniversary. There was nothing to be ashamed of, after all. And Claire and the girls had a great giggling fit about the strange wonder of it.

Quil had asked if she wanted to wait, sworn he didn’t expect it, but she’d only laughed again. After all, she loved him, and he loved her… why wait?

Claire Denson is going to marry Quil someday. They’re going to have kids, and live a normal happy life. Claire Denson knows this. She doesn’t know pain and fear, only happiness. Claire Denson exists in a universe where she’s always been protected.

I do not. And that is what hurts the most.

I could not protect myself, and so I will never meet the person I should have been.