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Being Her

Summary:
A series of one-shots in Claire's perspective throughout the series For Her.


Notes:
Um, will not go in any order. they come as i get bored enough to write them. PSSSTTT if you want a new story, go review with her!


29. Tell It

Rating 4.5/5   Word Count 603   Review this Chapter

Three minutes.

Three minutes.

How on earth am I supposed to go to the bathroom, get my books, and walk half a mile in three lousy minutes? It’s ridiculous.

I groan and twitch the lock from side to side. It’s even harder to do with so much on my mind.

Quil, specifically.

I think I love him. Well, I know I love him. But I think I love him the same way he loves me. To be frank. I think I’m in love with Quil.

It’s oddly freeing, to think it, and also absolutely terrifying.

Quil has made it alarmingly easy to fall for him. He’s sweet, and comforting, and funny, and adoring, without ever expecting anything in return. And he’s done so much for me. So much. I owe him my life.

More than that. I owe him everything I am and everything that I’ll become. Hope. And life. And love.

I love him. I should, yes, and I do.

Yet that does neither of us any good if he doesn’t know it. And he can’t know it unless I tell him and I can’t bear to tell him. How could I tell him?

It would be so easy, a part of me protests. Just “Quil I love you” and everything else is solved. But that’s too much. Because what do I do next? I can’t have a boyfriend.

Because then there are other things I owe him. I shudder at the thought. Things I can’t give him, whether or not I want to.

Do I want to?

Sometimes I think I do. Sometimes I want nothing in the world as much as I crave his arms, warm and gentle, around me, sometimes I think it would be wonderful to run up to him, tell him the truth, and just… kiss him.

I’m intrigued by the thought. I can’t deny it. And I know Quil wouldn’t mind.

But it terrifies me. There is a chill of fear down my back, and I have to remind myself, carefully, that it’s merely a hypothetical kiss, and it’s Quil, and I’m in school, perfectly safe.

Yet if all I feared was my own terror, I’d tell him today. I can’t let it control my life. And I can’t let it take from Quil what he deserves.

No, it’s that he deserves so much more. I can’t give him the kind of love he deserves. He wants me, only me, but there are so many things in the world more worthy than I to be loved like he loves me.

I’m broken. Shattered into pieces. He can’t see it, but I’ll never be a whole person. And he is owed more than even the fullest of hearts can give him. But my heart is empty and splintered, like a pot with a crack in the middle, so everything I put in myself falls right back out.

I can’t be what he needs.

If I told him that I loved him, he’d try so hard not to expect anything of me… but he would. He’d expect that love meant something, that it meant I could trust him, that I can change. But I can’t.

Eventually, it’ll hurt him too much, to watch me falling apart when I should be able to cling to him, to give him so much more than I even have.

Eventually, he’ll have to give up.

And I won’t survive life without him.