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Being Her

Summary:
A series of one-shots in Claire's perspective throughout the series For Her.


Notes:
Um, will not go in any order. they come as i get bored enough to write them. PSSSTTT if you want a new story, go review with her!


32. Perfect Pain

Rating 0/5   Word Count 541   Review this Chapter

Yeah, that’s right. Go ahead and tell him the truth, Claire. It’s not like it’ll scare him away, not like he’ll leave you to face the world alone.

Not like he can’t ever love you. Not like you haven’t been stained, used, ruined so no one else can either, not like you’re destined to be without love or hope forever.

And ever and ever and…

I grab my stomach, trying to hold the tears in. it takes all my energy to get off where I’ve collapsed on the kitchen floor and take the first few steps. I have to get to my room. I have to. The world depends upon it. I need to be somewhere with a door that closes and locks and keeps me safely shut away from all the problems of the world.

It was a struggle to get up the stairs. I felt a huge weight in my stomach, pulling med own, because I knew I was alone now.

Alone. Again. Hadn’t I been through enough? No, I had to face the world again, alone. I wondered where I would go, what I would do. Where was Quil? Probably at Sam and Emily’s. Trying to convince them to take me in.

It probably hurts too much for Quil to see me like this. It isn’t his fault, not at all. He isn’t going to abandon me. He’d never be so cruel.

I’m the cruel one. For putting him through this. When all he’s ever done is love me, and I can’t return it like he needs. All I do is put him through more and more pain.

I try to restrain the tears, but I’m sobbing desperately. My heart is breaking with every tearing twitch. I hurt him. I can’t allow myself to do it again, because it’s so unfair. He’d do anything for me, true, but all I’ve ever done from him is suck that selflessness, pull his love out of him and giving nothing in return.

I am so selfish. Because I need him, I’ve been tearing him apart within. But I can’t keep pulling at him like this. It’s not fair.

The instant he gets home I’ll tell him the truth, that I love him. And then I’ll leave.

It’s only fair.

I have no choice, even though it’s breaking me to bits inside with every sob.

There is a knock on the door. A soft, gentle tap, nothing more. I’m positive it’s Quil. No one else is that careful around me.

I wrap my arm snugly around my stomach and allow myself a few more minutes to get control. I cry just a while longer, but I don’t weep loudly. I can’t let him know how totally it’s tearing me apart. That will only hurt him more.

I internalize this need. It’s more than any of my desires.

I will not hurt Quil anymore. It’s all I can do for all he’s done for me.

It’s time. I stand, shoving the pain aside, and open the door. I rub my eyes a little, hoping he won’t notice how sore they are.