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Being Her

Summary:
A series of one-shots in Claire's perspective throughout the series For Her.


Notes:
Um, will not go in any order. they come as i get bored enough to write them. PSSSTTT if you want a new story, go review with her!


33. The Hug

Rating 0/5   Word Count 668   Review this Chapter

His words are unexpected. His voice is so soft and warm, like an embrace in words. “Sweetie, I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to scare you, and I was so angry. I had to go calm down. Are you all right?”

I am totally bewildered. “You aren’t mad at me?” At my failure, at my worthlessness, at all the pain I’ve caused him.

“No, of course not! Why would I be mad at you?” He seems as confused as I am. For the opposite reason.

“I guess I don’t know… you just scared me.” Not of the pain, but because I was terrified of losing him.

“I’m sorry. Sweetheart, I’m not mad. I swear.” His promise is so clear and beautiful. I love him even more for it.

Although I cannot deserve his forgiveness, I do my best to accept it. “All… all right.”

He hears my doubt. “Do you believe me, honey?”

“I believe you.” Impulsively, I rush at him, and his arms catch me, burning hot and infinitely stronger than I am. “Thanks, Quil.” It feels so right to have him hold me like this. He is powerful, but that strength is directed at everyone else. Certainly not at me. Like all I have to worry about is being able to love him, and he’ll take care of everything else. I’m safe in the circle of his arms.

“What for?” he asks, still cradling me gently in his embrace. He is so careful with me, like I’m a twig he could break in half, and also like if he doesn’t hold me close enough others might shatter me too.

Always a possibility. But he prevents it, always. He keeps me safe. And he loves me. “For everything. You’ve always been on my side. Everything.”

I feel myself start to sweat just a little in his too-hot hold. But I don’t mind. That, too, is comforting. If only I was certain everything could be this easy. Then I could simply love him, with no interference. I could be over it, just as I’ve always wished, and love Quil, as I’ve begun to desire.

But I can’t be.

Nonetheless, he doesn’t seem to wish to turn and run, to get himself out of this hopeless situation. “You’re welcome.”

We are silent, in each other’s arms, for a while. I am so happy, blissfully, gloriously, for the first time. I am exultant that I can become something like this, even temporarily, something normal.

For this second I am Claire Denson again.

For exactly as long as it takes Quil to start to speak again.

And then my heart breaks again. “Honey, your mom was at Sam’s today.”

My whole body rebels. I feel my legs start to tremble, and Quil’s hold loosens. He won’t keep me against my will, but he is trying to show me there’s no reason for my fear. “No! Please don’t make me go live with her.” I can’t. She’ll just do the whole thing over again. She doesn’t care about me, just about what I am, a bargaining chip in her interpersonal relationships.

She doesn’t want a daughter. She wants a pawn, to give to Quil for free housekeeping or my father for a better divorce settlement.

And Quil knows that, and he reassures me gently. “No one’s going to make you do anything. You can live with me as long as you want.”

It is so obviously the truth but I can’t help but sigh in relief. But the fear is still shaking up and down my spine. I don’t want to be too comfortable, because so many terrible things might happen.

If I trust.

Yet I know I must trust Quil. There’s nothing else possible for me.

I turn from my arms and look at him, straight into his liquid brown eyes, full of unstoppable devotion, and I sigh.