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Being Her

Summary:
A series of one-shots in Claire's perspective throughout the series For Her.


Notes:
Um, will not go in any order. they come as i get bored enough to write them. PSSSTTT if you want a new story, go review with her!


52. Bye

Rating 5/5   Word Count 593   Review this Chapter

I am miserable. It’s worse than I expected, really. A nightmare, trying to live without him, trying to trick myself into falling for someone else.

It truly isn’t going to happen. I’m lost. I’m his. I am tied to Quil so permanently. Not because of any supernatural crap. Because of everything he’s done for me. He saved my life. He saved me. Everything I am I owe to him and I’m taking it all and throwing it back in his face.

But it’s for him. I can’t tell him, can’t allow him to see it, but if only he knew… it’s all for him. I’m doing this, enduring this, for him. It’s all for Quil, so he can have his choice even if it means I must loose what I want, because in the face of him, what are my desires anyway? In comparison to someone so heart-breakingly good, I can’t be selfish enough to even consider how much I love want need him. It doesn’t even go on the list of pros and cons.

I’m hurting him. I try not to think about it but I see it. I’m destroying him.

I can’t wait for it to get better, for him to see I can’t be his. I’m not going back. I’ll spend the rest of my life suffering like this if need be, if that’s how long it takes to set Quil free, for him to find a girl he loves on hi sown with no magic to force him. Maybe he’ll start to phase again as I grow old, maybe he’ll remain young until he finds the girl who’s really right for him.

Not me. Not the lie. Not the compulsion. Sad, that I love him for real, but he can’t return it, that he can only be forced to me.

Sometimes I wonder if he could possibly have loved me anyway, without this.

Then I laugh it off. Even if we’d been the right age, he’d never have looked twice at a girl like me. Sullen, shy, not exactly beautiful… I’d never have caught his eye.

If I weren’t the only thing he could see.

I sigh and cover my eyes with my hands. Josh rubs my back gently. He’s not like Quil. He doesn’t know just how unsoothing I find physical contact. I try not to wince as he whispers, “Aw, Claire. I’m sorry.”

My heart breaks. I want to scream it out. Don’t say that, damn it! How many times… only I’ve never asked him before never to apologize. I don’t even want to. He’s not part of that. He’s not suffering from that ridiculous, unbearable guilt. Because he just doesn’t love me like that.

“Thanks,” I say, smiling. It’s a lie.

I sit there for a while longer, murmuring in my mind, lost in pain.

Josh takes my hand, and we begin to talk light-heartedly, making plans for the weekend as my inner self plummets.

He leans in, like he’s going to kiss me. I freeze.

Quil walks in, smiling. His face is a relief, a blessing, a curse. It sends shards of agony through me, because this wonderful man was mine and I threw him away.

“Oh, hi, Claire. I’m going to work, okay?” he says casually, like he didn’t see us here all along.

“We should probably go too,” I respond, and I stand before I can throw myself into his arms.