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Being Her

Summary:
A series of one-shots in Claire's perspective throughout the series For Her.


Notes:
Um, will not go in any order. they come as i get bored enough to write them. PSSSTTT if you want a new story, go review with her!


53. Leave Me Behind

Rating 5/5   Word Count 564   Review this Chapter

Quil, I love you. For God’s sake, I love you! How could you ever, ever believe I don’t? Isn’t it the stupidest, most obvious lie ever told? How could I do anything but love you? How could I love anyone else?

You’re the one that’s been here for me from the very beginning. How could I turn away from you when you’re at the center of my life, the center of my universe?

You saved my life. Do you honestly believe I’m cruel enough to break your heart out of pure selfishness? Because I don’t want you anymore?

And how could I not want you? Beyond the fact that you’re widely considered by my friends about the most attractive guy in the world, besides your laugh and your soft low voice and the way your teeth shine when you smile and that look in your eyes sometimes, besides all those mundane bonuses, you are good. Incredibly, unbelievably, unbearably good, the kind of good that comes out of your soul and lights everything around you.

How am I supposed to resist that much adoration? Even when you’re standing away from me, even now, after all of this, after I’ve hurt you so much, even when you’re breaking into pieces before my very eyes… you still look at me like… like… there’s no comparison. Like I’m an angel, or God himself, with this sort of worshipful wonder in your eyes that breaks my heart all over again.

I deserve that, I know, for all the things I said to you. I was as cruel as I could stand to be, and yet you still adore me like this. It’s so unfair. I want you to despise me. I don’t know if I can bear it, but I want you to learn how to hate me. However long it takes, stop this. For God’s sake stop loving me, you idiot. I’m never going to be able to deserve it.

I’m not coming back, Quil. It’s costing me so much with every day I continue my resolve, but I can’t change. I can’t love you, not when I’m not enough for you, not when I’m broken like this.

And I’m sure not getting better. I wasn’t ever going to heal completely anyway, not even with you fixing me all the time. But I was improving.

Now I’m crushed all over again in a totally different way, because of my own stubborn determination to do the right thing.

I just love you so much, and it hurts, and it’s breaking us into pieces for the second time, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I have to hurt you like this just so you can be free.

But I really wish you could be. I just want you to let go of loving me and go do the right thing for yourself. Please, Quil. Please give up on me now. Please realize I can’t change for you and go find someone who would never have to because she was never hurt in the first place.

Quil, you said you’d do anything for you. I want you to break my heart, fall out of love with me, leave me behind and never look back, be happy.

Please.

If only I had the strength to say it all.