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Being Her

Summary:
A series of one-shots in Claire's perspective throughout the series For Her.


Notes:
Um, will not go in any order. they come as i get bored enough to write them. PSSSTTT if you want a new story, go review with her!


59. Letter

Rating 5/5   Word Count 1043   Review this Chapter

I open my eyes early in the morning and find a piece of paper pressing against my cheek, the angle of the envelope sharp against my skin. I sit up, sharply, grumbling. Then I pick up the letter and read the envelope. It’s just one word, “Claire.” But I recognize the handwriting.

Panic strikes through me. What’s happening? The old fear resurges, but I try to convince myself… were he going to leave me, after all this time… he’d at least have the decency to tell me in person, right?

Maybe he thinks this is better.

My stomach sinking, I rip open the top, unfold the paper, and read the first four words. They don’t help. Claire, I love you.

I brace myself for the “but.” It doesn’t come. You are now and forever the world to me. When the bright day comes that will bind us together forever, I will be honored to tell this to the world.

I remember the first day I met you. How could I not? True enough. How could anyone forget the day they became a slave?

As my eyes scan across the next row, I catch my breath and calm myself. Quil, I think fiercely. This is Quil. You know Quil would never, ever hurt you. Don’t be afraid. Even then, you were beautiful.

You captivated me in that moment, and I never wish to be released. Really?

I skim further. He’s blaming himself again, without actually apologizing. How irritating. If he actually said ‘sorry’ I could yell at him, but this half-baked thing I can’t take offense at. No matter how idiotic it is he thinks he could somehow have stopped it. Then, in those first days, I so clearly recall your smile. When you were an innocent child, before I failed you… that smile was so pure and so bright. I remember the power of it, Claire. And the first time I heard you laugh… it was like an angel singing, like a tiny silver bell, Claire.

Despite the fact that I’m sleepy, angry, sad, regretful, and a little bit afraid, I can’t stop those words from warming my heart. He’s really too perfect. I can’t stop myself from soaking in the beauty of the poetry he writes.

I remember the first time that precious voice said my name. It was so sweet and small. I remember wishing that look on your face, the one that said nothing more complex than a baby’s love, would never fade. I can remember it too, through the haze of years. “Kwiw,” I called him, stuttering out the name, laughing, laughing, laughing. I was so happy, then.

And yet I also dreamed of things to come.

The day I had to leave you, I died, Claire. My heart was ripped out with your tiny weeping face, the last whispered words we shared. If I had known, I never would have… I would beg forgiveness, but after all these years I still don’t deserve it, and I never will. At this, I wince. I want to tear the paper in tow. How can he still blame himself? What did he ever do wrong?

I left you because I thought you deserved a normal life and normal loves. It’s the same reason you left me… Does he know? And then I realize, no, he doesn’t. He thinks I left him because I wanted normalcy for myself. I wanted it for him. Anything I can do to make him happy. And both those occasions brought us nothing short of agony. And I keep miscalculating.

I don’t know all of what you suffered in those dark years, angel. I can’t. You’ve told me as much as either of us can bear… I know. I am so proud, you know that, don’t you? How you, not I, rescued yourself… you are strong, Claire. You are the strongest person I know. I smile softly. That really isn’t true. The strongest person is Quil, with the strength to wait, the strength to be gentle, the strength to be mine.

I admire you. I worship you. I love you. I don’t deserve it, but I need it so much.

The day I found you was the best and the worst of my life. The best because the aching agony of five long years was quenched, and the worst because I realized your pain.

I am so glad that I am a werewolf, Claire. I am so glad I could kill him. My body freezes at this. Sometimes I forget. Quil killed him. It’s so inconceivable, that my gentle Quil could actually hurt someone else. And that my nightmare can be so permanently ended. But it’s also a blessed relief. Quil killed him, he’s dead, I’m safe.

I made a promise that day. I would never allow you to be hurt again. I have done my best to keep it… but life is pain, and I want you to live, too.

We have been together. We have been apart. But the togetherness is what is meant by heaven. We are supposed to love one another. It is a beauty strong enough the whole universe might have been wrought merely that we two might share it. I’m choking up. It’s so beautiful, so powerful, and I’m so close to believing it. I love him so much, and reading this it almost seems like…

Magic or none, monster or no, I hold I would have loved you anyway. Our spirits are twined in a way stronger than even imprinting. I adore you.

The tears start to splash down on the paper, and I shake with laughter and relief. Really? He really loves me? No matter what?

You are precious. Wonderful, beautiful, strong, brave, and kind…

I want to keep you safe and by my side, forever. You will. I swear I’m never going to leave you again.

With all the love in the world,

And forever your romantic fool,

Quil.

I press the paper to my lips, then to my chest, and rock it back and forth for a moment. Forever.